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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Quickie Challenge  ›  A More Perfect Union - QC Moderators: MarkItZero
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  Author    A More Perfect Union - QC  (currently 2748 views)
SAC
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 6:46am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

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Writer,

I loved your set up! Thought there was some pretty good tension going on throughout. However, you lost me at the end. It's like you couldn't think of an ending, and just threw that in. Still, a good entry with smooth writing and memorable characters - good choice on the names. They stuck out.

Steve


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Dreamscale
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 10:29am Report to Moderator
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You know something's right when I don't have to continually stop reading to make notes/corrections.

There are a few places here I could have, but the nice thing is that I didn't want to.

Things are rather vague here and that works both for you and against you, depending on how one looks at this.

Lassiter's comments really sound more like he's Holy than Unholy and I was actually thinking the twist would be that he is indeed God, not Satan, but as it plays out, very vaguely again, he must be Old Scratch.

I like it for exactly what it is and I disagree that it needs to be altered or added on to.  It is what it is and the end is perfectly OK, as far as I'm concerned.

It's a solid effort and the best entry by a country mile with 5 more to read.

****
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Heretic
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 2:40pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



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I see the sinners burning but I feel like I missed the sin. It's good fun but a little light on the story -- unless I missed some subtle hints.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: August 23rd, 2017, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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Like the others, I was with you until the end when things fell apart completely.

Why would the reception be moved to Lassiter's house? I didn't get that.

Writing was fine, but the story needs a better set-up for what's to come and better explained. It would only take another page or so to accomplish that.


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Michael
Posted: August 23rd, 2017, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hi to all, it's great to be here.

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Good story, it had me interested to know more. But at the end it just confused the hell out of me.
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ajr
Posted: August 24th, 2017, 6:26am Report to Moderator
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Agree with what's been said before, the wedding setup took some valuable space away that could have been used to explain the sins of the congregation a bit more.

Lassiter says it's good to see Wooly with his robe on, apparently an allusion to the fact that he molests kids.

Good catch on the 3 sixes - agree that Lassiter is the devil since the party got moved to his house, in flames.

Solid writing, the only 'sin' is that the writer ran out of space with the 3 page constraint.


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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eldave1
Posted: August 28th, 2017, 1:04pm Report to Moderator
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Top notch writing.

Would have liked to know what the couple did to deserve the fate.

Nice effort here


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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