Cyborn by Isacc Avitoff - Short, Sci Fi - An android uses a pair of dice to help him choose random memories to relive as his power supply runs out. 3 pages - pdf, format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Hi,

Quoted Text Braxx looks as cool as an artificial cucumber

Haha, I like it.

I didn't mind this. A fair bit going on for 3 pages, so good job on cramming it all in.

Best of the ones I've read so far.

Wow, this is a heck of a story. Can't believe you got all of this into three pages!

Hey Mr Avitoff (I do love a good smut pun).

I do feel there is a MUCH bigger story lurking here and this would benefit from more pages but you perked my interest. I quite fancy Dollface as well.

-Mark

A lot of stuff covered here. Neat idea. That's thinking outside the old box.

Isaac Asimov  sci fi author of I Robot cool reference as author.

I'd recommend not using numbers at all. Just roll the 30 sided die and access a memory. The memory numbers were not needed for the story. Just like the star date numbers in Star Trek.

You squeezed a lot of story into those 3 pages and showed it to us via montage.
The montage didn't work as I had to read it carefully and it contained a lot of info.
I don't think I'd read all of that on screen.
But the ending is clever and sweet.
Actually good of you to manage an entry with very little dialog.
Good story.

Good.

You've got a timer thing going and everything! What's not to like?

Now, with some cutting and tugging, you might eliminate some of the technical sound and extra writing to bring more "life" into the android, but I think you've got something here. I'm not feeling bad about this one at all.

Sandra

Visually, this Is stunning. I think it would work much better as a feature film, as you could quite a lot with it, I think. Just a couple of questions: are androids sexualized here?  You refer to the android as "he" several times.
Also, I understand the need to get dice into the script, I just didn't understand why the android would you those to randomly access memories. Seems like something he could have programmed himself without prompting from a pair of dice.  Nit picky, I know. Still, very well done here.

All the best,
Gary

This was cool. So much in three pages, nice work. I envisioned the Matrix gunfight coming as the elevator doors open.

I've a feeling that you're going to take this one and run with it after the challenge. Just make sure you let us know where we can read the revision.

Good opening.  Well written...but a bit dense.

"passed" - "past"  "The is BRAXX." - "This"

"Stood next to him..." - Awkward phrasing.

"You ready Dollface?" - always need a comma to set apart a name in dialogue.

These memories are actually Flashbacks and IMO, should be labeled as such.

OK, well, this is a bold attempt and I do like it for the most part, but even though you've definitely used dice, I don't find it remotely realistic that this "last" android would have 2 twenty sided die with him, as he attempts to escape the angry mob.

It is a solid effort, though.

***

Pretty good effort and well written. I agree with hawkeye that the dice thing seemed odd (and handy lol) but I guess it gave the android a more human feel?

That was awesome. Wildly creative.

Not sure if you plan on expanding this and keeping the dice element. But, if so, you could explain their existence by having one of his early memories being playing a dice game with Dr. Azmos. It becomes their favorite little game between them. Which explains why Azmos would build this memory device to work like a dice game. At least, I'm assuming Azmos built it.

Anyways, great stuff. My favorite so far.

Quoted from MarkItZero Not sure if you plan on expanding this and keeping the dice element. But, if so, you could explain their existence by having one of his early memories being playing a dice game with Dr. Azmos. It becomes their favorite little game between them. Which explains why Azmos would build this memory device to work like a dice game. At least, I'm assuming Azmos built it.

That is a GREAT idea!!!!!

Writer,

Interesting tale. I kinda liked this, but just not sure I'm buying the rolling of the dice bringing about pertinent memories of his past like that. Too convenient.

Well done.

Memory montage question: Should the first item (in the church) be there? Shouldn't it come before the montage begins?

MarkItZero's suggestion is excellent.

A few editing things: Peripheral should be periphery, passed/past, etc.

Overall, great execution. You unfolded a whole bunch of elements in a short span, and you did so in a way that that sparked some emotion at the end.
Henry

My favourite logline.

Haha yeah, this was good. Deserves to be a longer short, with a justification for why to use the dice (I see there's a good idea above). It would answer: why replay random memories instead of specifics? In that question might be the root of what the script has to say about its protagonist. But this is well-written and entertaining, anyway. Great job.

Heretic, to answer your question, I think

OH SPOILERS

Braxx was dying, so, it honestly didn't know what to do during that time, so, accessing random memories seemed like the "human" thing to do.

I didn't write this, but, boy, do I wish I did.  This was the best one so far.  Easily the best I've read so far...

You could, and should, rewrite this and flesh it out.  While it's true that there is nothing really new here, you present it in a new way.

Clean up some of the typos and wrong word usage and this reads fine.

One question for those smarter than I-  Were the use of memory recall and other aspects done correctly?  Was the montage done right?  Whenever I have half a thought to do something like this, I never follow through because I don't know the correct way to write it.

Thanks
Dan

Visually pretty cool throughout.
Your concept feels "a bit" arbitrarily constructed; specifically that a throw of a dice decides which random memory pops up. Like: if his time's running out, then wouldn't he want to remember moments of his choice? On the other side, he's an android so how can I know how they like their stuff :-) - still, just feels a bit uneven in this context… the kind of when you read it twice and ask yourself really? Yep, really, okaaay, let's read on...

Wow, a great ending I find, quite creative. Brave move to go SF in this challenge. Well done. Great title as well. I enjoyed your story and my complaining from above is minor regarding the whole picture.

Glad I read this one again this morning. Tried last night but I was too tired to understand what was happening. A fresh head and I have to say that I'm very impressed with this. Nice work.

My favorite title and logline in the challenge... let's see if I like the script as much ...

Wow this is like Oscar material ... I watch the Oscar shorts every year... both animated and live action and this gives me the chills. Great story. Great character. Great world.

This is my new favorite so far!!!

GREAT job.

Agree, this looks like the winner.

True, the dice are shoehorned in, but this one, when free from the constraints of the challenge, could get a little longer and stand on its own and be a very cool and poignant story.

Great job.

Quite a few typos, but loved the story. Probably my favorite. Very inventive. Not much to suggest here other than cleaning up the typos and turn it into a feature!

Great job!  

I don't read science fiction, so I had to bite the bullet from page one. But I must say that this writer knows his stuff, both as a fan of science fiction and as a technician. Nice descriptions and a great sense of story. Some minor slips, but nothing that can't be fixed in a rewrite.
I would imagine this is a script that will be expanded and then developed into something  really special. Great job for three days.

Thought this was really solid - a whole lot packed in 3 pages - excellent

Thanks for all the wonderful comments. I’ve answered some specific points below but in general, this is very loosely based on a short story of mine called ‘Brax’s Choice’ (with one x) about a Cyborg Private Eye. He is attacked by a super virus and ends up reverting to his primary state as a ‘normal’ robot some fifty years earlier. During his final self-aware moments, he relives some of his favorite memories. I’m pleased to say this story is in the finals of a competition which, if it wins, will be published in a sci-fi anthology book.

However, I really wanted to do a cinematic version of Brax. I’ve even been approached by a director to do so, but as of yet I’ve not come up with a story that works on-screen. Visually Brax fighting off a virus isn’t stimulating, unless I go down the Tron route which is expensive and is hardly original. This challenge helped me focus on a cinematic approach to Braxx (I prefer the two x’s) in a totally unexpected way, so I’m really grateful for that.

I’ve written a second draft (which is already up if folks are interested) based on all the great feedback here, which is still 3-pages and I’ll enter this into some specific 3-page challenge competitions. I’ve already submitted it to Shore Scripts but I think I will also write a longer version more in line with the short story mixed with this version. I have some ideas!

At some point down the line, depending on interest, I’ll start to work on a feature. Thanks to everyone for their input and encouragement. Now, onto the specifics.

Quoted from grademan A lot of stuff covered here. Neat idea. That's thinking outside the old box. Isaac Asimov  sci fi author of I Robot cool reference as author. I'd recommend not using numbers at all. Just roll the 30 sided die and access a memory. The memory numbers were not needed for the story. Just like the star date numbers in Star Trek.

Well done for spotting the Issac Asimov homage! Thanks for your suggestion. This makes a lot more sense. I’ve done this in the next draft.

Quoted from Gary in Houston Also, I understand the need to get dice into the script, I just didn't understand why the android would you those to randomly access memories. Seems like something he could have programmed himself without prompting from a pair of dice.  Nit picky, I know. Still, very well done here. Gary

A few people questioned why he uses the dice. This is my fault assuming everyone knows computers as well as I do and that’s the wrong assumption. Computers are notoriously bad at choosing random numbers. Due to their logic, they tend to pick the same ‘random’ numbers over and over. Maybe that is something they will solve with Artificial Intelligence but I chose to assume not for this story. However, I have addressed this in the next draft thanks to a great suggestion which I will list next.

Quoted from MarkItZero Not sure if you plan on expanding this and keeping the dice element. But, if so, you could explain their existence by having one of his early memories being playing a dice game with Dr. Azmos. It becomes their favorite little game between them. Which explains why Azmos would build this memory device to work like a dice game. At least, I'm assuming Azmos built it.

Genius suggestion! This also ties into the human side of Braxx, or his emulation of humans. I’ve added a flashback to Braxx playing Yahtzee with the young boy as one of the random memories, I didn’t want too many of these so-called random memories be with Dr. Azmos. I’ve also changed the number of dice to 5 normal dice to tie this in. Thanks for the great suggestion!

Quoted from Stumpzian Memory montage question: Should the first item (in the church) be there? Shouldn't it come before the montage begins?

Yes! Thanks for spotting this and the typos, I’ve updated.

Dreamscale also pointed out that flashbacks should be marked as such and I’ve fixed those as well.

It was mentioned by a couple of people that they fear this idea will be stolen. There is always that risk but I can’t hold back and hide ideas away. If I want to get noticed I need to get my stuff out there. I do take precautions of course. All my scripts are registered with the WGA and I enter them in at least one festival/competition so there’s a public record that’s timestamped so to speak. I always think it is a bit ridiculous to steal an idea when it’s much easier just to get the original creator on board. That way there’s less chance of a law suit, plus you get more fleshed out ideas from a willing contributor. But yeah, there’s always the risk.

Thanks again for all the feedback, it’s been great.

-Mark

Great story for three pages. I must have read the rewrite and it works really well. Even though it's just a small part of a larger story, that larger story is so familiar we already get it and that lends a lot to this.

Well done, congrats for the win!