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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The Quickie Challenge  ›  Dance Away, Lover - QC Moderators: MarkItZero
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  Author    Dance Away, Lover - QC  (currently 1528 views)
Tyler King
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 1:19am Report to Moderator
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Saggy ass and tits? So hilarious. Sorry but for a comedy I didn't laugh once, not even a CRACK of a smile. See how lame that was?

Also, not a full 3 pages.
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Dustin
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 3:20am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from Tyler King


Also, not a full 3 pages.


It doesn't have to be a full 3 pages.


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Tyler King
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 11:13am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin


It doesn't have to be a full 3 pages.


So it's been established. Still didn't like it.
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MarkItZero
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 12:15pm Report to Moderator
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Whoa, that was different.

I was glued to the read except for the shoehorned jump rope stuff which took me out of it for a second. It was sweet and creepy at the same time, if that's possible. Unique and kept me interested so good job.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Stumpzian
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 12:56pm Report to Moderator
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I like how the writer set up an expectation and then surprised us.

The jump rope needs a better explanation for being there -- from the exercise room or something. Not many kids running around retirement homes.

Some good descriptions to set the scenes. Nice touch with Ralph taking a hit on the oxygen.

And Hattie stripping? I think I'd have to look away!



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Heretic
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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Hattie seems like good fun.

The buildup to one big visual gag is fine, but you do wish we got to know a bit more about these two. There's room for some character building in here, surely.


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DanC
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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I pretty much agree with most of the other comments.

I think the issue is, for me, it isn't funny.  Dementia is a terrible illness.  She doesn't see the man she's with, she sees her past.

Clearly, he likes her, so, the 180 turn at the end rings hollow for me.  If he cares for her that much, wouldn't he stop her from embarrassing herself?

No ages hurts this too.  65 is far different than say 90.  

So, it just didn't work for me.

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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stevie
Posted: August 22nd, 2017, 3:58pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah a mishmash here but it ends with a funny visual lol


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PrussianMosby
Posted: August 24th, 2017, 9:54am Report to Moderator
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P1 wrong formatting of page numbers
Slugline has no time element

P1-2 charming to some degree, let's see what the payoff tells…

Nah, it's too flat for me. imo, if you make jokes about elderly people, it only works if it's really lol funny, more ironic, intelligent or super crazy. Most of them have no problems to laugh about themselves. I believe you'd even have a fine audience there, only that the script's resolution by now hasn't been classy enough to land it - at least for my taste. The overall build-up worked quite fine.


In the Head of the Driver (3p - drama, sports, SF)

Those Infinite Wolves  (8p - psychological horror)

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pale yellow
Posted: August 24th, 2017, 4:59pm Report to Moderator
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This one made me laugh. Good job writer.

Well written. Light hearted comedy.


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Angry Bear
Posted: August 25th, 2017, 1:27pm Report to Moderator
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Felt kind of bad for Hattie. Would the people that work there allow someone to make a fool of themselves like that? I don't know. This wasn't my kind of humor, sorry to say. I felt mostly just sad for her.


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Michael
Posted: August 26th, 2017, 8:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hi to all, it's great to be here.

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The ending was funny, But I had to picture my grandma naked... ughhhhhhhhhh  Now I'm going to have nightmares.
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grademan
Posted: September 2nd, 2017, 6:18am Report to Moderator
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Thanks to all who read this. I'm glad some of you liked some of this. For those of you who felt sorry for Hattie -- that was something I had not expected. Sometimes the writer is surprised at his own writing.

Special thanks to Tyler for his more than honest review. And a shout out to Jeff for consistency. He gave a similar review years ago in one of my first scripts. Maybe I should have listened back then.
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khamanna
Posted: September 2nd, 2017, 6:43am Report to Moderator
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Well, I loved it. It was funny and at the same time I felt for them.
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