If the idea is that people are haunted by manifestations of their childhood memories, I think that's a very cool idea that's worth a longer script.

As is, some fun scares -- nothing too out of the ordinary, but efficient and entertaining. A bit too subtle for me, if there's a more to the story that I was supposed to understand.

Some commenters have offered ideas for making this something more than it is. To me, it's a tad thin. The scary images seem to exist only for their own sake and no other reason. A girl who turns ghastly and scares the nurse to death. A dog at the window. A little cowboy. Is this what St. Gertrude had in mind?

Fun in places but I miss some connectors that clear up and explain me that world exactly.

The boy at the end completely rocks as a concept, like: harmless looking kids stroll around with their toys and rhymes till they turn on their bad sides. As said, some connectors, explaining moments, reasoning, are missing. However, I already enjoyed it as it is. Good job for now and I would like to read it again when it's completely coherent one time.

I wanted to like this because it is very creepy. I like the way you started with the death.

Are those real nursery rhymes or did you make them up? I thought they were cool and different.. as I hadn't heard them before.

Why were the kids there? Who were the kids? Why did Helen freak in the room? I'm left a bit confused. I like it but I need to know more. Good writing through out and easy to read. I'm just wanting to know more.

Good job.

It's horror, it doesn't have to be logical, it has to SCARE the HELL out of people. This was scary and original. I personally liked it.

Quoted from Michael It's horror, it doesn't have to be logical, it has to SCARE the HELL out of people. This was scary and original. I personally liked it.

I agree. That is the main purpose of a horror. We let horror films get away with a lot because we're not looking for character arcs and great stories. If you seek out a horror to watch, you want to be scared or at the very least be creeped out.

I thought this one was pretty good, but could use a rewrite to make things a bit more clear.

The story is certainly not clear. I don't know what the relationship with the ghosts is to people dying. It's fine to play with a viewer/reader's thought processes, but everything must be tied up at the end - else it seems the writer just didn't have a clue either.

I actually agree with Dustin... and yes, even though you are watching a horror movie and expect to be scared, I still look for a captivating story and characters that I care about. A lot may not, but I'm one of the few who do. Take a slasher, for instance. If you don't care about any of the characters, then you don't give a shit about who lives or dies... and the sad part is, most slashers really DON'T have characters you care about, and in the end, you end up rooting for the killer hoping he just offs the entire fucking cast... when you have a relatable, likeable main character, you root for them to survive, make it to end, and you are on the edge of your seat with them... otherwise, you're sitting back in your seat yawning and falling asleep. I know I just picked on the slasher genre of horror, but that really goes for any genre in horror... possession movies/supernatural/etc. You still have to have good, fleshed out characters AS WELL AS a captivating, well told story IMO.

Had to google Ice Cream Soda nursery rhyme and came up with jump rope... it all ties in lol

For the writing itself a pretty easy read.
The story had a nice horror element going on for just 3 pages with the dead kids, just need to flesh it more and you might have an interesting story.

Interesting but could needed a little something more to really make it complete (I'm sure if you had another page, that wouldn't be an issue)

Thanks to all who read and voted for this story. Pretty fun challenge, and I'm happy this got some recognition.

The main issue I had with this, and it was reiterated almost to a man, was it lacked clarity. The Girl skipping rope, and the Cowboy at the end, were meant to be the Angel of Death. They were actually the same person. I alluded to something with the appearance of St. Gertrude, but the nurse, Helen, should have made it clear she thought the Girl was an Angel of some kind. There's a whole religious angle that never came through here, and the reason it didn't was because I had to fit this into 3 pages. Had I, say, a fourth page to work with I could have given a bit more clarity. So, to make up for it, I tried to make what I had as creepy as possible, hoping that it would earn me a few extra points. I guess it did.

And as for Jeff's review, he was spot on with the awkward writing. I felt it as I was writing this. For some reason I feel as if I almost forgot how to write clear action passages. I'm a little out of practice, and haven't written much lately. I have started a rewrite, though, and hope I can clear things up a little.

Thanks again!

Steve

Hey, Steven, this was really powerful. Creepy, full of imagery. I interpreted it differently, had something simpler for it. I thought that a person who dies fromthe hands octhis ghost becomes a bad ghost himself. I think youcan easily optionit.