Alien Revelation by Alan D. Watkins - Sci Fi - A take on the Alien/Aliens franchise - doc, format


Script removed by request

That's cool.

So...what happens?

My story essentially ignores the last two sequels and picks up after "Aliens."  If you like "A3" and/or "AR" then I would suggest that you don't bother reading mine.  On the other hand, if (like myself) you felt that the last two installments were a horrendous mistake, then by all means check it out.

So is anyone reading the script?  There's been over 70 views of this discussion board, but no comments.   Just wondering..............

I'm a HUGE Alien fan so I thought I'd give this one a few moments of my time. I'm now on page 62. I liked the beginning premise. I also liked that she's now married to Hicks and even liked Newt being part of this again.

The format is ok. I think you need to break things up a bit though. Max four lines of action. I haven't really noticed any spelling errors or typos, that's good. Your dialogue is pretty good and smart too, but some of it may not work well when spoken in a movie.

My main problem here would be that there is way too much written words and not enough of the promised action. So far there's only been a training exercise. No sign of the Alien it's eggs or anything.

I like what you've started, but I think you can tighten it up a lot. Like I said, I'm on page 62, but it feels like it should be more like page 20 or so. If you tightened this to around 90-100 pages instead of 135 probably more people would read it too. This problem by the way, is a lot better than only having 70 pages and trying to figure out how to come up with 20 more.

Thanx for the post, and just to let you know........I do appreciate the "constructive" criticism.  Too often when you see someone else's critique of a script it is strictly negative and simplistic.........like "Your script SUCKS!"  That's also usually an indication that the reviewer never liked the basic premise to begin with.

Truth is, this thing started out over 200 pages long.  The first draft was written in almost novel form, with a lot of description of equipment, planets, machinery, etc., not to mention physical descriptions of the characters, along with their thoughts and feelings.  By the third draft I got it down close to the 120 page target length, but it probably could use another trimming or two.

The opening scene is the most difficult because it's a real balancing act between trying to set up what follows with enough backstory so the viewer isn't totally lost during the rest of the movie, but not overwhelmed by unnecessary exposition that drags it down right out of the blocks.

I do have mixed feelings about the spoiler included in your post, but I think the fact that you've taken the time to read the script definitely overrides that.  With almost a hundred views logged on this board now, I was really hoping to see more comments.  Then again, I know that "reading" isn't exactly most younger people's favorite past-time.  

Hi Beau:  Just to let you know, the "views" are for this thread alone.  It is not a count of how many people have actually opened the script.  That is an unknown.

Not to keep harping on your synopsis, but it's not doing you any favors.  Your reply that it "picks up after Aliens" is still inadequate to generate interest in the story, except maybe for the die-hard fans.

There is tons of stuff floating around this site, and your synopsis needs to grab people.  When I asked "What happens?", I wasn't asking for spoilers, but just a general idea of the story.  Is Ripley in this?  What's the scenario?  What's the conflict?  That kind of stuff.

A really good 1-2 sentence synopsis can make the difference between "looks" and "reads" for your script.

I would really like to finish reading your script, but I don't think I have the time. I'm a slow reader and when I converted your script to Courier New 12 (which I believe is standard) it turns out that it is 169 pages. If you break up the text to max four lines I believe this will be near 200 pages. That's a lot and I think it will be hard to get anyone to read it.

I know you probably love your work and feel that it's all too important to cut, but since you're using a computer you can alway go back to the original if you are not happy with the result.

Let me know if you get it down to around 100 pages or so, I really do want to finish it

To Bert:  Yeah, I know that the view-count is just for the discussion board, but I think that it's safe to assume that if 80 people were interested enough to view it, at least some would also check the script itself.

When I first replied to your post, I didn't realize that you were looking for a synopsis of the script.  I was just letting people know that it backed up from the last two and picked up at some point after "Aliens."  I wanted to make sure that that point was clear, as I know that there are those out there who actually liked either or both of the last two, and if so, would not care for my store.

Now the setup:  My story takes place roughly 15 years after "Aliens" ends (because it was first written approximately that same amount of time after the movie first came out) and begins with the "Revelation" that the last two films were just two MORE of Ellen Ripley's long history of nightmares.  What has really happened since she, Cpl. Hicks and Newt left LV-426 is that they made it safely back to Earth, whereupon she and Duane eventually got married and adopted Newt.  Duane continued to move up into the ranks of the Colonial Marines (now dubbed the "Universal Guard" and when Newt came of age she also joined the military.  Duane and Ellen have settled into married life, but Ellen is still haunted by two things.........the fiasco that she survived on LV-426 and whether or not the company was still attempting to secure live aliens..........and the potential danger that her daughter (Newt) was constantly facing, by virtue of her chosen profession.  The second scene cuts to Newt's current mission which involves dealing with other humans who are bent on a terrorist mission..........but rest assured, the aliens DO show up later.  Is that enough of a start, or do you want more?

To Tomson:

First of all, not sure why you tried to convert it, unless you are wanting to print it out rather than just reading from the computer screen.

Anyway, I do appreciate your comments and I believe that I did mention already that I realize it probably needs another pass or two for trimming.  The problem right now, unfortunately, is that we're right in the middle of the holiday season and I'm strapped for time.  Perhaps in a couple of weeks I can get back on it and see what i can do.

Just out of curiosity, where did you get to?

I changed it to Courier New size 12 because it's the standard, but it's also easier on the eyes than the Times New Roman size 10 that you had. It made it easier for me to read, that's all.

I read to the part where Ripley and Vasques meet.

Here's the big secret as to why nobody read it... People hate these types of screenplays, fanfics if you will. Look around most fanfics get murdered by negative reviews because the writers of them do not care to revise them and well what's the point in reading it if the writer won't fix it?

Most people would rather invest in an original script or by somebody who actually READS other peoples work and your 5 posts are only in your thread so you tell me why I should read this if all you care about is yourself?

Take Tomsons advice and cut down the fat and repost it, if people read this version they will not read another version so ask yourself if you want people to read this the long version or a better version if you cut out all the stuff Tomson speaks of to make it a reasonable length.

I'm not being negative, I'm being honest and you asked so I told you.

That may be part of the problem, but I don't think that it's all of it.  That most people (especially generation X-boxers) don't like to READ these days is also a factor, I suspect.  I went to see the lastest blockbuster (King Kong) at the movie theater the other day.  It clocked in at over 3 hours long...............I wonder how many people would have taken the time read the SCREENPLAY for it if it had been posted here before the movie was released.

I was hoping to get some constructive feedback here, but I guess that's asking too much.  This thing is starting look just like the pointless debates between the self-indulgent psuedo-intellectuals on AICN's talkbacks.

To tomson:

FYI - The original script was written in Times New Roman size 12, not 10.

Are you trying to give me a hard time for not reading your 3 hour script?

Thanks a lot.

I'm the only one as far as I know who even started reading it and I really wanted to read it too since the Alien movies are some of my all time favorites.

King Kong maybe 3 hours long, but I believe the people behind that one has some previous experiene.


And your script was a size 10 font on my computer!