Hey Mike,

First off I'm not much of a cartoon guy, but I did like monster house though so there are always a few exceptions.

I did think this was a fun story though and I did like it, so coming from guy who really doesn't care much for these kind of films that's probably the biggest complement I could give.

I liked the bit with the juggling millipede , I think when she gets debris chucked at her it be funny if they they were chucking like fruits and vegetables like in them old timey cartoons, maybe a beer can or something cause I think debris is too vague.

I think I would do more with the Kingpin's entrance in the beginning, maybe show more of his personality up front, you could have him make fun of the roaches that got turned away or something.

I also think it would be funny if the stage hand badger guy was more rough around the edges, like a cigar always in his mouth and he could be hacking and coughing all the time.

In the bar scene you have Johnny rat say "Well, don’t feel bad.  Most people don’t have it in ’em."

since Milo is a mouse maybe he could change "people" with "mice"

I liked Snitch and Snatch, they were pretty funny.

I think Milo goes from giving up to going for it a little to easy, I think there needs to be a little more there to have him get his confidence back up.

Maybe you could hint a little that Angel is also a musician cause it seems to come out of nowhere.  You don't have to make it obvious, but a little hint would help I think.

All in all I thought this was a cute story.  I think the characters could be punched up a bit.  I thought Milo was fine till he started going back and forth a bit at the end, but I liked his final confrontation with Johnny rat.

Johnny rat was a good villain though and I liked what you did with him, same with snitch and snatch.  But I also think a lot of the supporting characters felt flat, you could just do little things to punch them up, it could be as simple as the types of clothes they were, if they have accents, little mannerisms they have, stuff like that.

I liked the story, it was fun and you had an exciting climax.  Good work

Thanks for the review TBWCF.

Quoted from The boy who could fly I did think this was a fun story though and I did like it, so coming from guy who really doesn't care much for these kind of films that's probably the biggest complement I could give.

I'll definitely take that as a compliment.  I was actually glad you decided to review this.  It's good to get a fresh perspective from someone outside of the genre.

Quoted from The boy who could fly I also think it would be funny if the stage hand badger guy was more rough around the edges, like a cigar always in his mouth and he could be hacking and coughing all the time.

Cigars are classic.  Right up there with getting hit in the groin.  This would also be in keeping with his character so I'll have to work it in.   Maybe he could blow smoke in Milo's face too or something.  Or accidently into Kingpin's.  Hey - this stuff writes itself.

Quoted from The boy who could fly In the bar scene you have Johnny rat say "Well, don’t feel bad.  Most people don’t have it in ’em." since Milo is a mouse maybe he could change "people" with "mice"

You're right.  Used as a noun,  the word 'people' does refer to human beings specifically.  Thanks for pointing that out.  

As someone who writes mostly animation that's a good thing to know.  Of course, logic is often sacrificed in the movies, especially animation and since I've bestowed human characteristics upon all of the critters in this story, this might still be permissable - I think.    

Quoted from The boy who could fly I think Milo goes from giving up to going for it a little to easy, I think there needs to be a little more there to have him get his confidence back up.

Both you and James brought this up.  I think the mere sight of Johnny rat performing on stage is what really set Milo off and motivated him to keep going.  Maybe there needs to be more of a trigger than this - I'm not sure - but I'll definitely try to play this up a bit more.

Quoted from The boy who could fly Maybe you could hint a little that Angel is also a musician cause it seems to come out of nowhere.  You don't have to make it obvious, but a little hint would help I think.

I think when I flesh out Angel's character a little better it'll become more apparent.  A little foreshadowing is always a good thing.

Quoted from The boy who could fly Johnny rat was a good villain though and I liked what you did with him, same with snitch and snatch.  But I also think a lot of the supporting characters felt flat, you could just do little things to punch them up, it could be as simple as the types of clothes they were, if they have accents, little mannerisms they have, stuff like that.

I'll definitely be focusing my attention towards fleshing out some of the other characters a little better.

Thanks again.

This was a nice little story with a good ending. Good Job.

SPOILERS AHEAD-------------------

The animals you used as main characters were definitely unique. It wasn’t the same old ones, like cats, dogs, deers or pigs.

By at least page 10-15 the inciting incident or catalyst should occur. The main character should have some kind of problem, desire, or need. The beginning of your first act is also really delayed also.

When Milo is confronted by Johnny Rat on page thirty something that is your catalyst. It gives Milo something to do and we meet the antagonist. When Milo meets Angel earlier that really isn’t your catalyst.

The beginning of the first act is when Johnny Rat finds out he is performing before Milo, that is almost twenty pages over due.

Maybe Snitch and Snatch’s personalities should differ, instead of being practically identical. But that was probably your intention, just a suggestion.

Maybe we could get more background on Angel wanting to be a musician long ago and Lou and Milo’s relationship.

And it might not be a bad idea to have some of the other characters pop back in the story a little more often.

Nice ending.

Your story structure seems to be missing something. Maybe more twists and turns, or a sense of a character really being in danger. Johnny Rat chasing Milo was good, when Milo’s guitar was switched that was also a good example, and the canisters. It’s just that I feel the script needs more dangerous spots like those. It sort of felt bland at times.

The story seemed to slow down in the middle sort of building up for the end.

Good Job on this one.

Good Luck.

Quoted from TAnthony By at least page 10-15 the inciting incident or catalyst should occur. The main character should have some kind of problem, desire, or need. The beginning of your first act is also really delayed also.

I think I did establish the need and desire part right off the bat with him getting kicked out of the club after his poor performance.  I wanted to establish Milo as a down on this luck musician.  You're right though that the catalyst is delayed.  I've been swinging back and forth on this one.  I've never been one to follow the rules but perhaps if Johnny rat made some sort of introduction earlier on then it might tie things together a little better when they do finally have their confrontation.

Quoted from TAnthony Maybe Snitch and Snatch’s personalities should differ, instead of being practically identical. But that was probably your intention, just a suggestion.

That was my intention but point well taken.  I am trying to flesh out the characters a little better so I'll let this one toil in the back of my mind.

Quoted from TAnthony Maybe we could get more background on Angel wanting to be a musician long ago and Lou and Milo’s relationship.

This is something alot of reviewers have brought up.  I've already included an earlier scene that hints at Angel's musical ambitions.  We'll see about Lou.  I think he is just a minor character though.  He's kind of like Yoda - he's there to dispense his wisdom but not really directly involved in any of the action.  I'll try to flesh out his background a bit better if I can.

Quoted from TAnthony Your story structure seems to be missing something. Maybe more twists and turns, or a sense of a character really being in danger. Johnny Rat chasing Milo was good, when Milo’s guitar was switched that was also a good example, and the canisters. It’s just that I feel the script needs more dangerous spots like those. It sort of felt bland at times.

I tend to be very restrained.  It's just my style.  That being said I can't use that as an excuse.  I definitely don't want to be bland.  I am planning to expand on Milo's final confrontation with Johnny rat.  That should be a start and we'll see from there.

Quoted from TAnthony Good Job on this one.

Thanks and thanks for the review.

Hey, sorry for late review. I just finished reading the story and the fellow replies to your story.

First, I will say I agree with alotf the feed back you are getting and not restate what has been said. Instead i going to point somethings out that have not been stated.

I'm assuming this is for kids. It is hard not to try and compare this story to the no a days pixar and animation fixs that come about. You have a great approach with unqiue setup and imagination. I feel it like where these days anmation needs alot of humor. You base story is good, but lacks alot of things to that make kids and adults laugh.

I would remove " Oh HELL" here is milo! theHell.

Now kids are not to far from adults in this next issues. If milo quits his dreams so early, why on earth is he still carrying around a guitar, which he doesn't want to play anymore??? I know later he states he doesn't know if eh was stop, but that is ong over due when his mentioned from earlier when he is dead set on quiting.

Any person who gives something up. It is tossed quickly. Which can easily be fixed by adding a line, like hs Dad or even Lou gave it to him, so he holds on to it for sentimental value.

i dont think Angel should be reffering to milo as "man" as you have her do. This removes the uniqueness of your world. All words need to be refferred to the rodent world terms.

pg 58 " Knew'" you mean new?

I dont buy the roach getting drink as one drink.

Also, I will have to re point this out. You can't have milo be doing his thing, then he looses to spirits. Just to go back to doing his thing, just to loose spits again, then get it back. needs to be ONE change.

on this note. you next main character Johnny rat (since this is a kid movie)

he needs to learn his lesson aswell. He is the same throughout. In kid Movies the tempory bully/bad learns his lesson.

Also, I dont like the milo leaves behind Johnny. We teach kids, to to forgive and make your enemy your friend. This is how I would have it end, which will solve two problems.

Right after the humans find the trap with the cape on it, flash back to milo come back out and tries hard riskin his life while Johnny whines about he trying to help. then once out, he doesn't necessary say thank you for saving him. Each go their on ways.

After Milo and Angel come about being together. They start playing together on that "street corner" where he used to play. People gather around cheering them on. And Johny's pose storlls up. his boys want to beat up milo. But Johnny intervennes and says like " No, that mouse is alright"  They watch on to milo and angel play out. AND Jut maybe, they invite Johnny to play again with them. Then total harmorny to the fade out.


Overall, It was good story. You put alot of thought and time into it and it showed well. I will tweak dialogue more, for each. To make more unique. Like even hadd accents and stuff to different characters. like more of the woods rodents talk kind of country. and city rats have slang.beetle specific accent that shows he has travelled and learned many of life's lessons.

Good luck with revision! hope this helps in any you agree with.

Hi JD_OK.  Thanks for the review.  It wasn't too late by the way and I like alot of your suggestions.  

Quoted from JD_OK Now kids are not to far from adults in this next issues. If milo quits his dreams so early, why on earth is he still carrying around a guitar, which he doesn't want to play anymore???

Basically the reason Milo keeps giving up is out of frustration.  Deep down he's a musician at heart.  It's his dream.  That's why he can't seem to walk away from it and why he still hangs onto his guitar.  

Quoted from JD_OK Any person who gives something up. It is tossed quickly. Which can easily be fixed by adding a line, like hs Dad or even Lou gave it to him, so he olds on to it for sentimental value.

Good idea.  Very simple but effective.  Thanks for that.

Quoted from JD_OK i dont think Angel should be referring to milo as "man" as you have her do. This removes the uniqueness of your world. All worlds need to be refferred to the rodent world terms.

It's street talk.  As you know most animals in cartoonland are infused with human characteristics but I see your point.  She could say 'mouse' instead of 'man' and still not lose her streetwise, tough-talkin' edge.  

Quoted from JD_OK Also, I will have to re point this out. You can't have milo be doing his thing, then he looses to spirits. Just to go back to doing his thing, just to loose spits again, then get it back. needs to be ONE change.

I guess Milo does seem like he flip-flops alot on this.  I based Milo alot on myself and my struggles as a writer.  There were many times I wanted to quit along the way (I still do occassionally) but, unlike alot of other things I've done, writing seems to stay with me.  It's in my blood, I guess.

You're not the first person to bring this up and to be honest I don't quite understand why.  Maybe I'm not conveying this clearly enough - I mustn't be - but shouldn't our hero face many obstacles along the way - get knocked down, pick himself back up only to be knocked down again?  That's reality - my reality anyway.

Quoted from JD_OK on this note. you next main character Johnny rat (since this is a kid movie) he needs to learn his lesson aswell. He is the same throughout. In kid Movies the tempory bully/bad learns his lesson.

I think he learns his lesson but too late.  You're right though - he's never reformed.  

Quoted from JD_OK Also, I dont like the milo leaves behind Johnny. We teach kids, to to forgive and make your enemy your friend. This is how I would have it end, which will solve to problems. Right after the humans find the trap with the cape on it, flash back to milo come back out and tries hard riskin his life while Johnny whines about he trying to help. then once out, he doesn't necessary say thank you for saving him. Each go their on ways. After Milo and Angel come about being together. They start playing together on that "street corner" where he used to play. People gather around cheering them on. And Johny's pose storlls up. he boys want to beat up milo. But Johnny intervennes and says like " No, that mouse is alright"  They watch on to milo and angel play out. AND Jut maybe, they invite Johnny to play again with them. They total harmorny to the fade out.

Those are good suggestions.  We'll see what happens.  I've already started on my revisions.

Thanks again.

First off, sorry for the mishap for taking so long to reply.

I'm reading through it a second time because I forgott alot of the stuff I was gonna tell you.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_SPOILERS-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-

You should give more description on Milo's guitar.

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Around the beginning, introducing Stage Manager, you put:

"A badger STAGE MANAGER peers out on stage from behind the curtain."

Personally I would have said:

"A badger peers out on stage from behind the curtain. This is STAGE MANAGER."

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You never put the Ferret or the Emcee in all caps when you introduced them,

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When Milo is introduced on stage, he's called Milo Mouse, If 'MOUSE' is a part of his title, it should be capitalized.

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You need to capitalize Bouncer, Stage Managerm and Lemue, since that is their title.

A few others, but I won't point them out.

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Later on, you put:

"An elderly paternal mouse-figure (LOU) stands nearby,"

The parenthasese are unnecessary, commas would suffice.

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It's 6:00 in the morning, so I'm gonna go to sleep, I'll finish this later today.

Quoted from Braksnen Around the beginning, introducing Stage Manager, you put: "A badger STAGE MANAGER peers out on stage from behind the curtain." Personally I would have said: "A badger peers out on stage from behind the curtain. This is STAGE MANAGER."

Wrong, this is correct way.

STAGE MANAGER, a badger,  peers out on stage from behind the curtain.

Quoted from JD_OK Wrong, this is correct way. STAGE MANAGER, a badger,  peers out on stage from behind the curtain.

I'm not sure Braksnen's way is necessarily wrong JD but yours is more economical so I can see where you're coming from.  There was this article once - I wish I still had the link - that talked about proper format in a spec script and how, if you follow them too religeously, can sometimes hinder the flow or personality of your writing.  

I'm not using this as an excuse - I'll probably change it to how you suggested anyway - just playing devil's advocate with you.  I often will deliberatly break the odd rule of formating here and there just to mix things up a bit and avoid repetition.  As well, because I'm a bit of a rebel too.

You kids don't try this at home.  

Quoted from mgj I'm not sure Braksnen's way is necessarily wrong JD but yours is more economical so I can see where you're coming from.  There was this article once - I wish I still had the link - that talked about proper format in a spec script and how, if you follow them too religeously, can sometimes hinder the flow or personality of your writing.   I'm not using this as an excuse - I'll probably change it to how you suggested anyway - just playing devil's advocate with you.  I often will deliberatly break the odd rule of formating here and there just to mix things up a bit and avoid repetition.  As well, because I'm a bit of a rebel too. You kids don't try this at home.

LOL, sounds good! You have great X-mas
And I see where you are coming from.

Merry Christmas, mgj. Your present is a review. This is by far one of my favorite scripts. I loved everything about it. It took me back to my childhood and got me to laugh especially the Angel character. i could vividly imagine everything. I was reading your previous comment about rules. And i agree with you. Rules are meant to be broken. Some but not all. Are you planning to do a sequel on this? I only ask since I recieved that tinge of it towards the ending. By far a touching script with humor and something for a family to watch. Good Job.

I appologize for the shortness of this review but hey I was completely spellbound by it.

Gabe  

Thanks Gabe and Merry christmas to you too.  I had fun writing it so I'm glad you liked it.  About the rules - you break them at your own risk.  That is, I guess, the best way to put it.  90% of the time I try to stick with them as best I can.

No, I'm not planning a sequel, which doesn't mean it'll never happen, just that  basically I view this as a complete story.  The ending is somewhat open-ended though - you're right.  It might be interesting to see what happens to Milo now that he's a big star.  How does he handle fame?

Maybe I should do a sequel.  Then I could complete my Rodent trilogy with this one and 'Rodent Brigade' (that sounds funny - rodent trilogy).  

I've done a few revisions to Milo BTW.  I might post the new draft at some point but it's basically the same, just added a few details and tighted up some spots based on the suggestions I've received from the people here.

Quoted from Mr.Ripley This is by far one of my favorite scripts. I loved everything about it. Gabe

This is one of my favorite scripts, too. Some may argue that it's over-written, and perhaps it is, but there are many ways to write a screenplay -- "Milo" is one 'em, and a damn good example.

That said, if you're looking for something that goes beyond "bare-bones," something that engages the reader, then read this script!

Unlike many of the scripts that are submitted to SS, this one includes a biginning, middle, and end. Its structure is solid.

Is it perfect? No. But it's as close as I've seen on this site.    

Seth

Thanks Seth.  Funny - my mom says the same thing.  

If you feel it engages the reader then I've done all that I can hope for.  As well, I'm glad you pointed out that it's not perfect.  All of the reviews I've gotten so far have been very helpful and, I should mention, I've incorporated many of the suggestions into my revision.  

Here's the second part of my revision.

-_-_-_-_SPOILERS-_-_-_-_

I just have to say, around when Milo met Angel, you made Angel have some sweet street skills while Milo stood dumb-founded. When they found the mouse trap, you reversed it, Milo knew a lot of that, while Angel, the one who knew the street skills before, was the one who stood dumb-founded.

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WEll, the rest of the script has some similar flaws as my first post, some introductions flaws, etc.

I must say, I enjoyed the read. Mr. Ripley said that it took him back to his childhoood, that's true, but it can be mistaken in differend ways. Fro me, it made m feel like a 6 YO again, eagerly awaiting the happy ending. In the happs that this had been made into a full feature film, I'd be with my nefew, watching it, just as excited.  I guess that concludes my revision of the script.

One last thing, This IS in the annimation section, but I was just wondering what kind of animation. There's a bunch of different kinds of animation,

Anime - Japanese animation
Cartoon - Regular SpongeBob Square Pants animation
3D Graphic design - Nightmare Before Christmas (clay, wood, even lego)
CGI (Computor Generated Images) - computor animation
ETC.....

which is it?