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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Milo Moderators: bert
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jane12
Posted: April 17th, 2007, 11:33pm Report to Moderator
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i think this was a great read. the plot was good i liked the characters the events the whole thing was awasome
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mgj
Posted: April 18th, 2007, 12:06pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Jane12.  It's always good to get feedback.  This script seems to have struck a chord with people - some people anyway.  Glad you liked it.  As well, if there's anything about it you didn't like or felt could be improved upon, don't hesitate to share your thoughts.

-Mike


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: April 19th, 2007, 1:24pm Report to Moderator
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Hey, mgj

i finally got this script done. I really enjoyed it. Nothing much changed. But I've come up with some possible ideas for you to ponder about.

The scene where Mile and Angel have to escape and they see a mouse die. I think you should have it that they try to save the mouse. You saved Johnny's so save the innocent mouse.

The scene where Johnny is trapped by his cape. I think it's too simply to get away. The fact that his mad why dont you leave a torn foot. lol.

Angel's dream in the music business i think came out of no where. felt as if you put it in there so you could move the story along.  you should start to develop that b.g. when both meet each other.

When Milo is going to sign and asks about Angel. once kingpin gives the response, why not just end the scene there with Angel's scream and continue off. I thought that was kinda of mean after knowing angel that he would still make the attempt to sign.  

So these are kinda of some thoughts for u to mull over. Hope it helps. Wish u luck in the competitions and inform me quickly if u get picked up. Ill be the first one to watch the film.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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mgj
Posted: April 19th, 2007, 2:03pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr.Ripley

The scene where Mile and Angel have to escape and they see a mouse die. I think you should have it that they try to save the mouse. You saved Johnny's so save the innocent mouse.


I can see where you're coming from, this being a kid's story and all.  I don't want to sugar-coat this too much though.  Toxic gas is deadly - it would be pretty unrealistic if none of the rodents died.  

BTW have you ever seen Watership Down?  That's pretty intense for a cartoon - there's blood and brutality you wouldn't normally see in a live action movie.

I do see your point though.



Quoted from Mr.Ripley


The scene where Johnny is trapped by his cape. I think it's too simply to get away. The fact that his mad why dont you leave a torn foot. lol.



A torn foot.  Now that's just plain mean.



Quoted from Mr.Ripley


Angel's dream in the music business i think came out of no where. felt as if you put it in there so you could move the story along.  you should start to develop that b.g. when both meet each other.



I did try to rectify this when I had Milo catch Angel toiling away on the piano keys.  Still a little too subtle maybe.


Quoted from Mr.Ripley


When Milo is going to sign and asks about Angel. once kingpin gives the response, why not just end the scene there with Angel's scream and continue off. I thought that was kinda of mean after knowing angel that he would still make the attempt to sign.  



Well, he was quite torn if you'll recall.  Just as he was about to sign the contract fate stepped in and prevented him from making a terrible mistake.  Sometimes we do things in the heat of the moment that we later regret.


Thanks again Gabe.  I always like it when a reviewer offers up suggestions.  I did enter this in a few competions.  We'll see how it goes.  As for it getting picked up - well, I'm not holding my breath.  BTW I'm pretty sure I'd be the first in line to see it.  Lol.


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: April 19th, 2007, 2:22pm Report to Moderator
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For the dying mouse. Since they see him, I imagined that they were close to him enought to save his life. You can have mouses die just that if they had the chance to save him, take it. Don't just let them glance at a mouse dying  four steps away and then run off. That was my point.

For the torn foot...hehehe. that is mean. lol

In regards to Angel's back stroy, Looking back at it now on my memory. I do actually see some other subtle items I missed. I appologize for that comment.

For the contract, Angel had given Milo hope and encouragement. Milo helped her as well. So their relationship is strong. Even when, he asked kingpin about her I thought that just strengthened it. But I think this is all the disney movies Ive watched when I was young that is talking now. lol.

Now in regards for the possibility of being made into a movie...I'll be second then. but no more. lol.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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mgj
Posted: April 20th, 2007, 10:11pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Mr.Ripley
For the dying mouse. Since they see him, I imagined that they were close to him enought to save his life. You can have mouses die just that if they had the chance to save him, take it. Don't just let them glance at a mouse dying  four steps away and then run off. That was my point.


I do see your point.  I won't quibble too much over it, just to say that I guess if Bambi's mother can die, then by god I'm gonna kill a mouse or two.




Quoted from Mr.Ripley

For the contract, Angel had given Milo hope and encouragement. Milo helped her as well. So their relationship is strong. Even when, he asked kingpin about her I thought that just strengthened it. But I think this is all the disney movies Ive watched when I was young that is talking now. lol.


Actually I think we're on the same page here, more or less.  Milo didn't want to sign - that's why he hesitated.  I was just trying to create a little tension - sort of a 'will he or won't he' kind of thing.  


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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jane12
Posted: April 23rd, 2007, 7:43pm Report to Moderator
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i did'nt get the cat attack part but everything else was great
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mgj
Posted: April 24th, 2007, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, I guess tha cat did come out of nowhere.  I threw him in more for fun than anything else.  I think I may have watched one too many Tom and Jerry cartoons growing up.  


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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Shelton
Posted: June 13th, 2007, 10:08pm Report to Moderator
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I'm a little behind where I want to be in terms of the review lottery with the new job and all, but I was finally able to get around to this.

I have no idea if there's any certain format or whatever that should be followed when writing Animation, so I'm not even going to bother commenting on anything of that nature as I read along...This will be all about the story.

In the opening scene, where Milo plays and it doesn't go over to well, I think you could pile on a little bit more.  Nobody likes the melancholy stuff, but he could take a crack at something a little more up tempo and end up snapping a guitar string.  Same effect at the end, but just a little more oomph to add to his "mope-walk".  It's fine as it is though.

I think you've done a good job of introducing Milo to Angel, having them go through everything with the cat, and developing a little bit of kinship in that short amount of time.  I thought the pacing worked well, and you cut it at just the right time.

I liked the description of Milo getting caught and then ending up back at the scavenger bar, and then the spider flinging drinks with all of his arms.  It's stuff like this that really belongs in animation scripts, and it works really well.

I think the description of the type of music Milo is playign would help a bit.  I'm assuming it's something more upbeat since his slower stuff didn't go over too well, but calling it out would allow for a better visual in the mind's eye.

Angel "smashing" the rat over the head with the guitar implies that it would be broken into pieces, but you have Milo picking it up and running along with it.

Good use of the cuts back and forth between Johnny and Milo to drive home that the showdown is about ego vs. perserverance.

A nice touch with the ensuing pandemonium after Milo's performance.  Almost out of the woods, but not quite yet.

Everything ended nicely, but what happened to Johnny.  You have him getting stuck in the trap and conceding his fate, but then later when the humans are at the building, one guy sees a small piece of torn fabric in the trap.  Reading this, I'd think that either Milo helped him, which doesn't seem to fit, or he managed to escape and you have plans for a sequel.  

If neither is true and something is just missing,  then it really needs to be fixed since it's a huge hole.

Overall, I really enjoyed this.  You had a good, well rounded set of characters, and the pacing and structure were great.  This is right on par with the types of animated films being put out now, where kids will love the visuals, but adults don't find the story ho-hum and can relate to it.

Good job, Mike.



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"I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper." - Steve Martin
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mgj
Posted: June 14th, 2007, 1:31pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for giving this a look Mike.

I'm not sure either if there is any special format to follow with animation.  I just wrote this as I would any other script.

I know I didn't go into too much detail describing the type of music he was playing.  I had envisioned Milo as a sort of Bob Dylan beatnik type who sang as well.  I don't compose music myself so I just settled on having him play the guitar.  Ideally I'd love to see what some musician could do with this (as long as it wasn't Justin Timberlake).

I see what you mean about smashing the guitar over someone's head.  It probably would break into bits.  I just couldn't resist.  It would feel like an opportunity missed if I didn't include it.  I'll think more about it.  Maybe I can get away with it; I'm not sure.

As for what happened to Johnny at the very end - that's something I may need to rework.  I know it's a little vague.  Killing him just seemed a little heavy-handed.  

It wasn't my intention to imply that Milo went back to rescue him, nor was I intending to set this up for a sequel either.  Just simply to add a little mystery, get people thinking.

I'm glad you didn't perceive this as strictly for kid's.  As well, I'm glade the pacing work for you.  I know I have a tendancy to be too methodical with my writing, overthink things.  I really made a conscious effort with this one to just jump right in and see what happens.

Thanks again.


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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mcornetto
Posted: September 13th, 2007, 6:31am Report to Moderator
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I really enjoyed reading this Mike. I loved the animal world you created.  I thought the characters were quite well drawn, you knew and told your story well and the pacing was fantastic.  The climax was one of the best I have read on SS.

Obviously I don't have a tremendous amount of comments and what I do have to say is nit picky but here goes.

The thing that bothered me the most was that you called them guitar chords.   I think it would be much better if you called them strings because chords has more than one meaning for a guitar and it was confusing.

Next was the people.  I know they play an important part of the story but everytime there was human dialogue, you lost me.  I think you should underplay them a bit more - I would say get rid of them entirely but that would affect the story too much.

I was a bit confused with the teahouse at the begining, I kept thinking we were in Japan.

I thought Angel's piano talent needed to be foreshadowed a bit more.  I got an inkling of it from the scene at Milo's crash pad but not enough.

Here's a few typos I found.

You’re table sir.
Your table sir.

The humans use it to catch mice
The humans use it to catch us (maybe)

elderly paternal mouse-figure
elderly mouse paternal-figure

Eat rat poisoning creep!
Eat rat poison creep!

hounding me ever
hounding me every

That's it.  Well done. Best of luck with this script.


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mgj
Posted: September 14th, 2007, 1:24am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the review mcornetto.  



Quoted from mcornetto
I really enjoyed reading this Mike. I loved the animal world you created.  I thought the characters were quite well drawn, you knew and told your story well and the pacing was fantastic.  The climax was one of the best I have read on SS.

That's very nice.  Glad you liked it.  



Quoted from mcornetto

The thing that bothered me the most was that you called them guitar chords.   I think it would be much better if you called them strings because chords has more than one meaning for a guitar and it was confusing.


Good point.  Chords are a series of notes.  Strings are something different.  I'll change it.



Quoted from mcornetto

Next was the people.  I know they play an important part of the story but everytime there was human dialogue, you lost me.  I think you should underplay them a bit more - I would say get rid of them entirely but that would affect the story too much.


I do see what you mean.  Most if not virtually all of this story takes place at gutter-level, from the rodent's perspective.  Introducing human's does take you out of the story (or setting anyway).  I remember in those old Tom and Jerry cartoons they'd never show any of the humans above the waist.  The perspective was always maintained at ground level.  I envisioned something similar here. Maybe I should just do a V.O. - have them speak off camera.   That might create a similar effect.



Quoted from mcornetto

I was a bit confused with the teahouse at the begining, I kept thinking we were in Japan.


Yeah, I just kinda figured I could get away with it.  Being that New York is a melting pot, I figured a tea-house might not be so unheard of in Coney Island.  Of course, I could be wrong.


Quoted from mcornetto

I thought Angel's piano talent needed to be foreshadowed a bit more.  I got an inkling of it from the scene at Milo's crash pad but not enough.


Virtually everyone has mentioned this.  I have tweaked the scene but I'll consider doing more.



Quoted from mcornetto

That's it.  Well done. Best of luck with this script.



Thanks again.

-Mike


"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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bert
Posted: January 19th, 2008, 2:10am Report to Moderator
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Seth has told me on more than one occasion to look this one over, and I have glanced at the comments enough to know that response has been pretty positive.  Like several readers before me, I open with the caveat that these types of stories are not really my bag.  But cheers to you for writing them.

I think a few stray episodes of Banana Chan is the only time I have ever perused this board, but I am glad I returned for a look at this one.  It draws you in quickly, and I found that knowing this was envisioned as a cartoon somehow encouraged me to imagine the fanciful images and characters even more than usual.

*  You do not have periods after INT or EXT.  Surely somebody has brought that to your attention by now. And at least half your parentheticals can go.  Probably more than that.
*  The Kingpin is "pimpish"?  Ha.  Is that even a real adjective?  I guess it is now.  Seems like he ought to have a dame on his arm, though.
*  The rivalry between Johnny Rat and Milo builds well.  The whole bar scene is pretty good.  Especially the spider bartender.  That is another one that is fun to visualize.
*  The black-eye thug mouse has enough lines that he needs a real name.  It is confusing when his dialogue is just "mouse".  I mean, they are all mice.
*  Snitch and Snatch cave to Angle pretty quickly in the bar about the guitar.  She should have, like, a baseball bat or something.  Or whatever it is that mice carry.
*  When the trap springs and catches Johnny’s cape -- well, I was unaware that Johnny had a cape.  If you set that up before, I missed it.  You need to make that more prominent.  If you neglected to mention it, go back and do it somewhere.  You have a good payoff that you forgot to set up.

Speaking broadly now, I have two comments on the story itself.

One thing I found kind of odd was the Angel and Milo never fight.  They get along for the entire story, and there is never any friction in their relationship.  They should have a disagreement at some point, and go their separate ways, if only temporarily.  Of course they will end up together, but you need to make them work for it a little harder to give it more meaning.  The piano playing is a nice surprise, and perhaps that aspect of her character is what can bring them back together when things seem darkest for Milo.

I also have to say that I was not very fond of Lou.  His character is only there for exposition, and it shows.  The story drags when he is around.  There is really no reason that Milo cannot live in that bumper car by himself, abandoning it when he leaves, and returning to it later.  The space you save by using Lou would be better devoted to the aforementioned friction in the relationship between Angel and Milo.

If you feel that exposition is vital -- and I would disagree to a point -- why not have the piano roach give it at some point?  There seems to be some history between him and Milo already built into the story.

But otherwise, I have to say that Johnny Rat is a wonderful antagonist, and was the star of the story for me.  He overshadowed Milo whenever he was around, but that is fine.  The story builds at a good pace, and we look forward to the inevitable showdown.  The final climax, with mice and rats working together, sends the right message.  I enjoyed this quite a bit, despite my nits.  There are always nits.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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mgj
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Thanks for giving this a look Bert.  I was curious to know what you thought.  I always like to know what others outside the genre think.  Often they can provide a unique insight.


Quoted from bert

*  The Kingpin is "pimpish"?  Ha.  Is that even a real adjective?  I guess it is now.  Seems like he ought to have a dame on his arm, though.


I was wondering when someone would bring that up.  According to my spell-checker it's not a word but I think you can add 'ish' to any noun and turn it into an adjective.  I once saw a character described as bookish.  As well, you're right, he ought to have a dame or two on his arm.


Quoted from bert

*  The black-eye thug mouse has enough lines that he needs a real name.  It is confusing when his dialogue is just "mouse".  I mean, they are all mice.


Good point.  I was never very good with names but I really ought to have come up with something.


Quoted from bert

*  Snitch and Snatch cave to Angle pretty quickly in the bar about the guitar.  She should have, like, a baseball bat or something.  Or whatever it is that mice carry.


Yeah, you're right.  If she had a baseball bat, then she'd have to carry it with her throughout the whole story.  It's a possibility - or perhaps she could swipe a cello bow from the orchestra pit?


Quoted from bert

*  When the trap springs and catches Johnny’s cape -- well, I was unaware that Johnny had a cape.  If you set that up before, I missed it.  You need to make that more prominent.  If you neglected to mention it, go back and do it somewhere.  You have a good payoff that you forgot to set up.


I believe all I wrote was that he was dramatically attired when I first introduced his character.  It makes sense though to mention the cape since it comes into play.


Quoted from bert

One thing I found kind of odd was the Angel and Milo never fight.  They get along for the entire story, and there is never any friction in their relationship.  


That's funny.  At one point I thought of doing a sequel and wrote about ten pages or so.  I had them breaking up so the scene itself is already written.  It shouldn't be too difficult to incorporate into the story - actually, when is anything ever easy in screenwriting?  Anyway, my point is that the scene does exist so it'll definitely give me something to consider.  


Quoted from bert

I also have to say that I was not very fond of Lou.  His character is only there for exposition, and it shows.  The story drags when he is around.  There is really no reason that Milo cannot live in that bumper car by himself, abandoning it when he leaves, and returning to it later.  The space you save by using Lou would be better devoted to the aforementioned friction in the relationship between Angel and Milo.

If you feel that exposition is vital -- and I would disagree to a point -- why not have the piano roach give it at some point?  There seems to be some history between him and Milo already built into the story.



I think it is important that Milo have a mentor - it makes sense to me anyway but your idea of combining Lou and the roach into one character is intriguing.  They do both basically function in the same capacity.


Quoted from bert

But otherwise, I have to say that Johnny Rat is a wonderful antagonist, and was the star of the story for me.  He overshadowed Milo whenever he was around, but that is fine.  


I can see how Johnny might overshadow Milo.  I think it works though because, since they're opposites, the two  can play off of each other.  Johnny is all sizzle and no steak, Milo is all modesty but has the edge on him in the integrity department.  I wouldn't want to change that dynamic.  

I sort of envisoned Milo as a Bob Dylan, beatnik type - I don't know if that comes through or not but I think there's a certain understated charm there.

Thanks again for this.



"If at first, the idea is not absurd, then there is no hope for it." - Albert Einstein
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