Okay, let's see. You should maybe think about the characters more, maybe you could think up a more extensive history for them, and how you could show a bit more of their past in relation to current events.
Also, you should work on the dialogue, too, and see if that's how real people actually talk. A lot of the lines here sound like they came from, i'm not sure, old movies. And they talk a bit too much, a lot of times, you don't have to give every little detail through dialogue. The rule, which I don't always agree with, but in this case would apply would be 'show, don't tell.'
I liked some lines, though, like the ones from 49-50 about kidnappings and serial killers. Also, for some reason, that noir feel actually came across, which I understand was the intent, so, that's a good thing.
With a lot of the scenes though, there was sort of a routine wherein the protagonist goes someplace, roughs somebody up, goes to the next place and roughs the next person up, and those scenes were a bit tiring to read. |