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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Fear of Sleep Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: May 25th, 2008, 9:10am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Fear of Sleep by Ben Murray - Sci Fi, Noir, Thriller - The film is based in an alternate earth and has four parts to it, three are dreams and one in reality. What has happened in the dreams is tied to what happens in reality. It is a fight to be with the one you love no matter what stands in your way. 68 pages - doc, format


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conceptualleaf
Posted: May 26th, 2008, 11:01am Report to Moderator
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Okay, let's see. You should maybe think about the characters more, maybe you could think up a more extensive history for them, and how you could show a bit more of their past in relation to current events.

Also, you should work on the dialogue, too, and see if that's how real people actually talk. A lot of the lines here sound like they came from, i'm not sure, old movies. And they talk a bit too much, a lot of times, you don't have to give every little detail through dialogue. The rule, which I don't always agree with, but in this case would apply would be 'show, don't tell.'

I liked some lines, though, like the ones from 49-50 about kidnappings and serial killers. Also, for some reason, that noir feel actually came across, which I understand was the intent, so, that's a good thing.

With a lot of the scenes though, there was sort of a routine wherein the protagonist goes someplace, roughs somebody up, goes to the next place and roughs the next person up, and those scenes were a bit tiring to read.
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