Intergalactic Alliance by Chad Fleagle (shadeborn) - Sci Fi - It's the year 2033, and Earth's natural energy resources have been depleted. We now rely upon a new power source created by an alien race known as the gray's. Yet, as governments often do, they've put a price on the usage of this precious energy source. American's fight against one another, and against a new armed force created by the Galactic Council -- The Intergalactic Alliance. Yet, this is only the beginning of a war that will decide the balance of Earth's very existence. As a vortex of vast energy appears in space, not far from earth, an evil alien race appears to drain it before Earth can take advantage. A single platoon of soldiers, and a special fighter craft will be Earth's only hope.  81 pages - pdf, format

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Finally something with fewer than 120 pages and sounded interesting.

Starting off, all the threats about how tough Lucian is come off empty because he doesn't follow through, and neither does the General. So many one liners about how tough Lucian is get old real fast.

When Lucian and Bryant enter the complex building, you have Lucian putting a gun to Bryant's head so they can get in. But your set up is that Lucian does not want to be there in the first place. It would make more sense if Lucian says something like My weapon goes where I go. It's not my choice to be here, as I'd much rather die on the battlefield. Lucian should be the guy who talks softly but carries a huge stick.

All that goes on for the first 10 minutes and should last all of one.

You've set up a cut out hero.

A battle in Pittsburgh? I thought this was galactic.

Well, I've gone 20 minutes with nothing happening, so I give up. This is an action series, so it must move at a brisk pace and it doesn't. Up to now, there is no point to this, just tough talking and some minor action going on. The dialogue really does not work for me. Why? The dialogue does not come off as natural responses to what appears to be going on, or for what appears to be at stake. It's all about who is at the top of the food chain in the United Galaxy Complex. While conflict between team members is good, the conflict here is conflicting. Like 120 years from now we're a race of people who threaten to kick each others ass 'cause that's just what we do now.

I'm tougher than you.

No, I'm tougher than you.

Are not.

Am too.

Are not.

Am too.

I'll shoot you.

No way, I'll shoot you first.

Will not.

Will too.

That's not interesting to me.

Perhaps, you should read it more before passing full judgment. That is something sorely lacking with places like this today. It's not a series, but the Pilot to start a series, and I've seen my share of supposed action packed series premiers. They sucked. Warehouse 13, FireFly, The Sanctuary. I could go on and on with the great ideas that failed in the long run.

You claim there is no action at all to keep you interested. The script starts out with action. If Lucian shot the Superior General, the show would be over before it started, he will play a much bigger role in the series.

The battle in the Burgh! Well, it all starts off on Earth. Then as the story progresses heads to the stars. With dialogue on a TV show, you can only go so far, hardcore cursing is not permitted. And how do you know humankind won't still be thinking the way they do in my script 120 years from now? We haven't changed yet, what makes you think even an alien presence will make us less aggressive.

Thanks for what time you put into it though.

Hey Chad;

I do not have time to read the whole thing right now so do not give me grief about that -- but I did read the first coupla' pages out of curiosity.

My feedback -- right off the bat from a quick glance -- is that you have given everybody handguns and rifles and such.

As you struggle to gather specific feedback, my comment wold be that for a futuristic script, you should give them more interesting weapons.  Fans of action sci-fi will be looking for that kind of stuff.

Sounds like good advice, Bert! I believe I do place some more interesting weapons further into the script. The rifles and guns can have any attachment added in an instant. Say, if you want a flame thrower on a pistol, attach it and kick butt. It's like a MOD system for weapons.

Thanks.

Quoted from shadeborn Perhaps, you should read it more before passing full judgment. That is something sorely lacking with places like this today.

I think twenty minutes (a quarter of your time) in is plenty to tell me what the rest is going to be like (I did scan ahead and still nothing jumped out and pulled me in). I've done this enough to know what works for me and what doesn't. I ain't no pro, but I know a good story when I read one. If I don't think the story is going to work, I choose not to spend my time reading the remainder and to comment as to whey I chose not to read the remainder.

Quoted from shadeborn You claim there is no action at all to keep you interested. The script starts out with action.

Action that means nothing other than an attempt to tell me how tough Lucian is. The way you set up Lucian does not work for me and I told you why.

Quoted from shadeborn If Lucian shot the Superior General, the show would be over before it started, he will play a much bigger role in the series.

I don't remember saying Lucian should shoot the General. I remember saying that Lucian didn't want to be called out of the battlefield so why should he use his weapon to stay there when he has the perfect set up to say, F you guys, you called me here, now you want to shoot me, so I'm just going to leave. In some way this should remind me of Maximus in Gladiator. That quiet but effective and tough as hell leader that Lucian is not.

Quoted from shadeborn The battle in the Burgh! Well, it all starts off on Earth. Then as the story progresses heads to the stars. With dialogue on a TV show, you can only go so far, hardcore cursing is not permitted. And how do you know humankind won't still be thinking the way they do in my script 120 years from now? We haven't changed yet, what makes you think even an alien presence will make us less aggressive.

My point is that you did not spark my interest in the first 20 pages. You need to find a more engaging method to bring me in. But I'm just me. I'm sure this works well for some other readers.

Quoted from shadeborn All in all, you gave no true criticism.

Matter of opinion

Quoted from shadeborn I can't work with what you've given me

I think I pointed out what I think is a major flaw that you begin with, so perhaps, you should read it more before passing full judgment.

Quoted from shadeborn because you refused to help

refuse?

Quoted from shadeborn try being a little more helpful next time though.

I can't tell you how to write. There're all kinds of tips on how to write on this board. Tips on character, tips on dialogue, tips on plot, tips on writing action, etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. I can only tell you what doesn't work for me and me alone. I'm just my own messenger (saves on costs in these hard times).

And I liked Firefly.

STARSHIP TROOPERS started out with interesting weapons and ended up with what appeared to be good old fashioned CAR-15 type rifles. Weapons, while they might be original STAR WARS cool, don't replace a story that catches your attention. Cool weapons are icing on a good cake.

Cool, cool! I mean you got a great point. Why would Lucian want to go into the complex when he didn't want to leave the battlefield to begin with? That does make perfect sense, and it didn't sink in until now.

I'm sure that I could start out with a more interesting beginning. You don't think Lucian is a cool character though? I modeled him after the Gears of War Hero Marcus Phoenix.

Okay, maybe it's not your thing, I understand. But you honestly think it has nothing at all to tell story wise through the full script?

I'm not here to shoot the messenger. LOL!

I'll let Lucian decide on that.

Quoted from shadeborn Cool, cool! I mean you got a great point. Why would Lucian want to go into the complex when he didn't want to leave the battlefield to begin with? That does make perfect sense, and it didn't sink in until now. I'm sure that I could start out with a more interesting beginning. You don't think Lucian is a cool character though? I modeled him after the Gears of War Hero Marcus Phoenix. Okay, maybe it's not your thing, I understand. But you honestly think it has nothing at all to tell story wise through the full script? I'm not here to shoot the messenger. LOL!

Marcus Phoenix generally does not discuss anything, he would shoot first and ask questions later. He is not a man of idle threat. Marcus says few words and carries a big chainsaw bayonet assault rifle.

Action is my thing but the bar has been raised so high in that genre that you really have to have solid characters that I can relate to. Action has become more about the character than the action, aka Bourne versus the 90's action flicks.

Here's the deal; I have a finite amount of time in my life and I'm not getting any younger. I enjoy reading feature scripts. After reading so many, I find I only want to finish those that grab me right away, like in the first 10-20 pages. I can say that for me, and it's a matter of statistics, that the last pages will follow the first. Those first pages will tell me if there's going to be an engaging story. Now while a particular story may engage me, it may not engage someone else, and I'm pretty certain someone on SS is going to read your work and think I'm a nut case and don't know what I'm talking about. That's the nature of the beast and I'm perfectly at peace with them being wrong  

I hear ya! I have an infinite amount of time on my hands as well. Such is why I have so many scripts on here, and am always starting a new novella or screenplay. It's a little sad that action has taken that turn, where it can't rely on action and explosions, it has to relate to the character or characters. I still love those old 90's action films. I think they are better than some made today.

You did see some good points though. But if I were going for a Low Budget TV series this might just work with some editing. After all, it is my First Draft.

Maybe we can chat on Yahoo sometime?  

Quoted from shadeborn It's a little sad that action has taken that turn, where it can't rely on action and explosions, it has to relate to the character or characters. I still love those old 90's action films.

While there is a pile of 90's action flicks, If you think hard about the ones you like, I'm going to guess that your admiration will come down to you enjoying the characters much more than the explosions. The wit and toughness of John McClain. The tug of duty and family that Harry Tasker felt. The crazy death-wish-but-really-want-to-live torment that Martin Riggs went through.

Let's not forget Jean Clade Van Damm in Bloodsport.

Quoted from shadeborn Let's not forget Jean Clade Van Damm in Bloodsport.

Point taken, however there are many more action flicks with more heart that Jean Claude's action kick de Jour

Highlander - My favorite film of all time.

Blade Runner - A benchmark in modern sci-fi films.

Mad Max, Escape from New York, Terminator... etc.

All greats and classics. Yet, we do remember most for the main character.

Then again, there were numerous films that the action meant more than the character. Like in The Matrix films. The first was was really good, but after that, the FX started taking over the storyline.