The Secret of Space and Time by Jared Hampden - Sci Fi - What "star wars" woulda been, "lord of the rings" coulda been and "the matrix" shoulda been. 145 pages - pdf, format

Broken link fixed.

- Don

Jared,

There are several things you have going against you before I even open your script:

• Your logline doesn't tell me anything about the script.  It alludes to some Sci Fi/Fantasy films but it doesn't tell me anything about YOUR story.  Your logline does, however, speak volumes about your skill as a writer.
  
• Your page count is going to prevent a lot of people from reading your script.  If you had a killer logline and a page count of 145, you'd get some reads.  Unfortunately, you don't have a killer logline.
  

Now on to the script:

• Uh oh...your title font is bold and strange.  Not a good sign.
  
• "Serial Chapter One:  The Time Is Now"  Interesting.  Different.  Let's see if it pans out.
  
• "FADE IN TO THE PRESENT:"  What does that mean?  How would that differ from fading in to the past or future?  Why not just "FADE IN:"?
  
• What's with the hyperlink to the brainy quote page?  I don't need or want a hyperlink in a script I'm reading.  Maybe that's just me.
  
• Your comprehension of spacetime is incorrect.  Spacetime isn't like solar time where you watch a clock tick by.  Spacetime is the combination of where you are and when you're there.  More or less.
  
• Right now the camera directions aren't your biggest problem, but they're definitely taking me out of the read.
  

Well I made it to page 3.  Or is it 2?  Oh by the way, your page numbering is wrong.

Your logline is correct in stating that Star Wars, Lord of the Rings, and The Matrix, are nothing like this.

You have a lot to learn about screenwriting and storytelling.  Read more scripts, write more scripts, and join in on the conversation and you'll see the error of your ways in no time.  Good luck.

Jordan