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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Devil's Bay Moderators: bert
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  Author    Devil's Bay  (currently 1676 views)
Don
Posted: September 24th, 2014, 4:31pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Devil's Bay by Mahyar Rasi - Sci Fi, Action, Adventure - Stranded on a military outpost in space, a woman is forced to hunt down and cure her own sibling of the zombie strain before the station reaches Earth and causes a global epidemic. 95 pages - pdf, format


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TomV
Posted: October 4th, 2014, 5:25pm Report to Moderator
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Don't worry so much about writing intricate action sequences... Directors and the special effects team are going to do whatever they want. Just worry about the broad strokes and try to create an image in the reader's mind.
Also you need to learn how to tell a story based on the "Hollywood Structure." All Hollywood screenplays follow the same formula.
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the goose
Posted: October 12th, 2014, 9:38am Report to Moderator
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Yippie-kay-ay.

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I thought I'd give this a read - space and zombies is an interesting combo. I'm not sure if you're active on the site but I'll post my thoughts...

--spoilers --

The characters all started off okay, I got that there was a lot of tension between Anya, Carolyn and Joan -
which seemed fair enough, although the two of them suddenly made up with Joan a lot quicker than I thought.
Two years of hurt seemed to suddenly slip away. (As I've finished reading I've realised why - how does Joan sleep at night knowing that happened with Carolyn's child due to her!?

I must admit I like a bit of a slow-burning script, and I was enjoying the build up but then as soon as I got to
page 20 there seemed to be a massive jump and within the space of a few pages the characters were suddenly ready to hit a zombie with a chair - without any sign of fear or any questioning. And then within the next page they're agreeing to help William and are handling guns. I think, for me, this happened way too fast - making it feel rushed and somewhat unbelievable (although the whole idea of zombies in space is of course not the most real...but you get my point...I hope).

I think loglines could do with a little work, e.g. INT. SOMEWHERE ON THE STATION - MOMENTS LATER

ANYA AND CAROLYN
Search for zombies in a different section of the station.
Anya’s weapon slips out of her hands.
She picks it up nervously. Carolyn looks annoyed.

-- Again this is only 20 or so pages in and they are walking round hunting zombies with guns because a guy
they've just met said so. Are these characters ex-military? Did they have weapons training? Fair enough
they are nervous when they try to kill the zombie, but if I were in this situation I'd be full of questions before
I'd agree to go zombie hunting.

She hasn’t let go of his hand yet. Meets his gaze in a brief  moment of affection.

-- they're having feelings for each other already!? This is the first in depth dialogue they've really had, William has some smooth moves.

I liked the bit with Anya and the zombie on the train, reminded me of Dead Space a bit. Just a thought, but how come William doesn't seem to have a team with him? Surely to make absolutely sure the virus isn't spread he would want at least a couple of accomplices?

The scene with Peter and Carolyn is really good as well, the one in the canteen - had a trippy, Event Horizon feel
to it almost.

So, Nadal actually has a tumour? Was he dying already or what's the case here?

How long was William 'Fake William' for? That suddenly came out of the blue.

---

You write action and suspenseful, thriller-esque scenes better than many I've read - the scenes such as the canteen fight, Anya's last moments etc are really good and I'm sure this is something you can develop for future scripts. There's also a lot of philosophy in here, some of it is really deep and good - it ilicits an emotional response which is something that very few sci-fi horrors really do. Particularly the scene where Carolyn confronts 'Other Carolyn'.

In short, asides from the 'rushed' opening - this is good and it has the legs to be just a little more than a straight out Sci-Fi horror. In a rewrite I'd love to learn a bit more about the characters - what does Carolyn do for work? Is Joan a sports star or was she just in an exhibition game? How come they were so ready to use guns and fight zombies?

Also with the ending - there didn't seem to be much of a reassurance that Sam would be okay and what not - where are they actually flying to? Was William really meant to eliminate all witnesses? Surely when they land security will be so tight that the infected Sam will be exterminated straight away?

Another thing as well, the zombie genre has been done, reanimated and then done again. As your script has depth to it, maybe you could change from using zombies and create some kind of new evil that is on board the ship? This could make it more original and more stand alone.

Just my thoughts anyway, if you're around and have any questions please do let me know.


"We don't make movies for critics, since they don't pay to see them anyhow."

-- Charles Bronson.
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