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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Jacked Up Moderators: bert
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  Author    Jacked Up  (currently 2206 views)
Don
Posted: November 13th, 2014, 6:20am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Jacked Up by Ian J Courter - Sci Fi, Fantasy - A man lost in combat awakens three decades later in a dystopic nightmare where he is both hunted and the hope for a release from the faceless, inhuman regime. 111 pages - pdf, format


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DS
Posted: November 13th, 2014, 9:17pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Ian, took a quick look - my thoughts:

Right - Page one:

CWO2 - I don't think that's a widely known term for people with little knowledge of the US military. Sure, we can google, but if you spell it out to Chief Warrant Officer we won't have to.

You don't need the beat. "Gahl motions slowly, then creeps up the trail" already indicates that there's a pause. If you don't feel it's not enough, add a "stops" to the previous action line. The orphan with just beat in it is useless.

It's also not said what exactly he motions. Stop? Follow? I'm also not sure whether the use of the word slowly is necessary, it feels out of place with a jungle military operation setting and motioning slowly almost makes me think of slow motion. What's the significance anyway, why couldn't he just motion?

I think you could change Gahl's "quietly steps" to "stealthily" and remove it from the paragraph with the 11 soldiers, if Gahl is moving with stealth, it'll make sense for the other soldiers to do the same. Enter the trail isn't really necessary either.

Another orphan with beat on it that is superfluous. The scanning already indicates a beat. More white space and starts of new action lines where they wouldn't be required.


This entire page would actually only be half a page, or less. This is how I would merge it:


Quoted Text
Dense foliage, steam, dim sunlight and soft jungle noises.

A heavily armed, tall, athletic Chief Warrant Officer ERIC GAHL (3 stealthily steps onto an animal pathway. Camo paint fails to hide his numerous facial scars.

Gahl motions to ELEVEN indistinct camoed SOLDIERS following at intervals, then creeps up the trail.

Jungle noises abruptly go quiet, Gahl signals "freeze". Everyone stops, their eyes flash as they scan the area.

A twig snaps. Gahl opens fire, his carbine pops softly, the action muffled. A human body crashes in the underbrush as sporadic fire erupts. A soldier throws a grenade as others fire into the foliage.

The team backs up the trail as the grenade explodes. Hostile fire stops, a scream and unintelligible shouting from the underbrush... and the fire resumes, Gahl takes a round to the chest plate.


Ok, I'm going to quit that now. Right, writing-wise there's a lot of capitalisation that is distracting and unnecessary. It can be useful in parts, but I think you're really overdoing it and it doesn't contribute to the read. The script is at 111 pages as well, you could scrap some pages and make for an easier read if you merged the sentences, I don't know if the early page trend continues later on in the script. The reasons that made me over analyze the script instead of being able to focus on the story were the overdone capitalisation and unnecessary beats/lines when they could be said with far fewer lines.

Apart from the other things I can locate quickly/suddenly/slowly/begin words that could be scrapped and some cases of "a & the" getting mixed up, wrong tenses (both basically typos). The typos are natural, but along with the other things they tend to start sticking out.

Getting better as we move along and get to the dialogue, the tattoo joke on page 2 was great and worked well in the situation. A nice introduction to a stasis pod and we're already getting into the moral dilemma stuff surrounding it and it looks like it'll stick around, nice.

Though, there's exposition like "His heart will soon be beating only a couple of times a minute.", "He's going into indefinite stasis." that makes me realise it's a movie. These people would already be aware of these things and they seem unnatural.

I'm off on Page 5, I might read forwards later. In my opinion the first thing you should do in the next draft is getting rid of most of the capitalisation and merging the short action lines. It would make more people stick around for the story. Good luck.
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Iancou
Posted: November 15th, 2014, 4:56pm Report to Moderator
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DS,

Thanks for the feedback. What you describe in the action paragraphs is one of the frustrations I have experienced. Unlike academic and technical writing, both of which I have done for a living, screenwriting is not as clear-cut. When I began dabbling in this field, I read every how-to book I could check-out or buy, and every script I could download. I have wrestled with formatting according to Syd Fields, Hoag, etc. There are commonalities, and some significant differences. Finished, produced scripts are problematic as well. Some use four-sentence paragraphs, others used short blurbs, the latter of which is exemplified by the script for the Pixar movie Wall-E.

Length is another frustration. One expert suggested at least 100 pages and no more than 120. Another suggests 90-110. I shoot for 110ish as my upper limit. Looking at the classics is no help either as the page counts vary. Speaking of classics, the actions sequences have varied considerably over the years. What was short in Casablanca is long in Lawrence of Arabia.

So, short-story-long, what has guided you in your own writing? Anyone else have any insights or observations that can be helpful?

So,


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DS
Posted: November 15th, 2014, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
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90-120 seems to widely be considered the norm for the page count of a standard feture. I've seen 80-120 referenced a lot too. In my opinion, the safe bet is 90-120, but if it clocks in between 80-90 that shouldn't be a problem imo as long as it can actually hold up 90 minutes+, e.g the script isn't all fast-paced dialogue or white space.


Quoted Text
So, short-story-long, what has guided you in your own writing?


A lot of things, I try to read what I can get off the internet, what I catch up on reading scripts or comments on the scripts. The motto I consider correct is "Think through every advice you read/get, no matter who writes it or where it's from and only use it if you agree." Lot of right and wrong out there. Can't use all the right as they conflict with eachother and got to watch out for the wrong, just attempt to develop your own style. I'm still far from having developped my own style, I'm not sure if it'll happen anytime soon. Things I've considered wrong have hit me a month later that they're actually right... and vice versa. I guess it further reinforces that experience takes up a big percent of the screenwriter diagram. Well, that's basically what I go on.

Reading forwards:

P6: I don't buy that the current "I told you so" conversation would happen at the two year mark. It looks like a conversation that should have happened long before, currently it seems like it's the first time Arva is back there and that doesn't look right.

The genetic anomaly part also feels like exposition that would have been told long before. I feel like this conversation needs to happen earlier, like a week in, or there should be a reason provided for why Arva hasn't visited in two years.

I'm very much liking these time-lapses.


Quoted Text
P8: More changes as time goes by.


I think you should specify what kind of changes.


Quoted Text
P11: DANYLUK
What the hell are you doing?! Nobody
authorized this!


I'm not sure whether "nobody authorized this" is a good line. It sounds odd. Danyluk isn't really that high in command. Would he know for sure? Even if he did know for sure, wouldn't it go without saying? Threatening them with security or calling them imbeciles would sound more natural imo. This too, kind of feels like poor exposition.


Quoted Text
P18: Arva walks towards stairs. He STARTS.


Starts what?

I'm up to page 35 at the moment and the script started to go by quickly, which is always a good sign. The story seems well written so far, it's definitely an interesting world you've created. I think the dialogue could do with tightening up. Three parts mostly come to mind:

The first is the family-themed confrotation involving York and Arva. It feels overblown with drama and not flowing as well as it could. The drama kicking in seems abrupt and feels like it could be fleshed out more, I believe some change of wording to make it flow more could work.

The second is Gahl's dialogue, perhaps his entire character in overall. I'm not getting a military vibe out of him at all, his dialogue seems very nervous. And yeah, he probably would be considering all of it, but would he not be the type to try to hold it in, show himself as composed? Surely his rank, training and what he's been through before (scars from the opening scene) indicate that he'd be experienced, especially in high pressure situations.


The third are the "thinking out loud" moments like these:


Quoted Text
You don't deserve a daughter like
her, you bastard.



Quoted Text
Great. George Jetson meets Disco.



Quoted Text
Great. Only twelve blocks to go.


I feel like they weigh the script down a fair amount, a lot of characters do it in the first 35 pages.

I think that you have an interesting story here and it doesn't veer far from theories that are already going into play at present day. I started writing something similar to your overall universe as a short a few weeks ago considering a potential feature expansion later on, I won't go into depth on it as I think I chose an angle that hasn't been explored before in regards to it, at least I don't know of a book/movie that has. I planned the story out in my head, but what stopped me on page 5 was that it may have been too much for a short and I should go straight to the feature and now, it's kind of stuck at page 5.

During the plotting I thought about these future societies and their roles in a story or a movie and what hit me was that your biggest character is the actual universe and while you can't underplay it, you can't overplay it. It's going to be broad, the changes are going to be huge, but the story needs a central theme picked out to focus on. 1984 had the totalitarian regime, for example. The pros and cons and especially potential ways how this could work against us are fascinating. We all see the pros of future, but there will always be cons along with it and people are interested in this. I think you chose an interesting angle with the immunity to the technology, that is technically exploitable and from what I gather a requirement of the law or just so useful that no one can pass on it. My question at page 35 is whether the premise could be full on established earlier. I think the conversation between York and Gahl on page 23 is an excellent choice to say that it is either actually mandatory or that everyone is jacked up because of their free will now and the effects it has on the civilisation, setting the link between the regime and the technology up early, making the central theme certain from that point on. Gahl is pretty much going into the world unprepared now, it feels like something that should go on being explained to him. Especially considering that later on there's a character who's flabbergasted that this guy isn't jacked up after all.

That's enough rambling, hope my comments were of some help.
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Iancou
Posted: November 16th, 2014, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
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DS,

Thanks for the additional feedback. You obviously devoted some time to consider and compose, so it is appreciated. You have given some good points to ponder. For example, the Gahl character is a seasoned career soldier, but his composure has been cracked on a number of different levels. The first level is where he was on combat patrol in some distant country and is "blown up", of which he was fully aware. So, he awakens in a hospital room in a peaceful setting. The second level is that he wakes up young. As we age, we get comfortable with our bodies as they change with the years. Suddenly, he awakens in a new body, but with his old mind. This would cause significant discontinuity. My issue is how to convey that accurately in as few words as possible. Third, he awakens in a world where all he had known and swore to defend is gone and replaced with the very thing he fought against. He feels that he is in enemy territory, but at the same time, it is his home. Finally, he is changing beyond the issue of being young again. He is becoming something almost superhuman and it is messing with his hold on reality. How does that affect him?

So, that is part of my dilemma. With all 1st drafts, there will be holes, inconsistencies, etc. I will continue to revise while working on other scripts. If you need a read on something, let me know, especially with the 5 page script you considered expanding. Your brief description intrigued me.

Thanks again.

Ian


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Ledbetter
Posted: November 16th, 2014, 10:11pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Ian,

I'm gonna crack this one open this week and give you some thoughts.

First i want to address the logline

A man lost in combat awakens three decades later in a dystopic nightmare where he is both hunted and the hope for a release from the faceless, inhuman regime.

The first half is perfect and then, "the hope for a release from the faceless, inhuman regime".

Doesn't feel like the second part of a logline, rather another part all together. Make sense?

maybe..

A man lost in combat awakens three decades later in a dystopic nightmare where he's hunted by an inhuman regime who seeks to destroy him.

Just a thought my friend.

I'll get some thoughts over as soon I have some time this week.

Take care,

Shawn.....><



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Iancou
Posted: November 17th, 2014, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
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Sounds good, Shawn. Much appreciated. Ditto with "Mission Style". I might need a little longer as my kitchen is being involuntarily remodeled (fairly new dishwasher sprang a leak). So, if you need longer with "Jacked Up", my feelings won't be hurt.

As for the logline, yep... literally as I was unloading it to SS, I realized I had not checked that block off the list. That was a quick brainstorm idea.

Anyway, when and as you can. Thanks.

Ian


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Ledbetter
Posted: November 26th, 2014, 12:18am Report to Moderator
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Hey Ian,

I just wanted to let you know I'm about half way through this and should be done when I get home from Thanksgiving this weekend.

Sorry it's taking me so long.

I'm a very slow reader, dyslexia and all...

But I promise to get some notes up to you this week.

Take care and thanks for the great notes on Mission Style. They were very helpful, my friend.

Happy Holidays!!!

Shawn.....><
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Ledbetter
Posted: December 1st, 2014, 7:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hey man, sorry it's taken me so long to get back to you on your script. I've been really busy but I do have some notes that I want to get to you.

Also, sorry for any misspellings of the characters or any other part of this. I left my laptop at work today. So I'm doing the rest of my notes from my phone. With that said I'm trying to get these notes done and don't want to spend a bunch extra time trying to go back and re-spell words like gall. LOL


In the first part of the script the opening scene reads out really well with the action.


You don't really let up at all from through the first few pages. That's always a good sign when your crack in a script open. A small pet peeve of mine are camera directions. I'm sure you've heard 100 people tell you 100 different things about whether you should use angles are not in a script.


I'm one of those that thinks that the director should direct the writer should write and the cameraman should offer the angles. I'm not saying that it's wrong, I just think that in a spec script you're better off leaving them out.


One of the things that stuck out was in the dialogue. At first I couldn't quite put my finger on it but then as I read through and got past the halfway point. Something in the dialogue kept stopping me and making me reread looking for something or not looking for something. It’s hard for me to explain. But what it ended up being was I don't know if you would call it on the nose, but the dialogue seemed very straightforward.


It's ringing more like speak rather than natural dialogue. There are a lot of examples but I will pick one. On page 22 when you have gall talking to Arva - gall that's fine I'd rather not be one of those zombies I saw in your waiting room. Gall- I just want my life back. I already lost a few years. Arva - you don't understand. You were placed in stasis, a kind of hibernation, over 30 years ago.

It's a very direct dialogue if there is such a word and I think what I'm sensing is that all of the characters dialogue essentially comes across kind of the same.

By time I got to page 55, I was essentially seeing the same dialogue over and over again regarding the pace of this the dialogue. I wasn't feeling any quirkiness or any individuality or any aside miss any of the characters that would've made him be extremely different from the others.

Another example of how you could've finessed the dialogue a little bit more on page 56. You have Gall and Martina  talking to each other where Martinez says cow farts! I should've gotten rid of the microbe sooner. Gall replies, microbes? Martina replies micro devices, in which gall answers so that's how you tracked to me. You didn't put them in my clothes. So they were on me when I left the hospital… Doc what's his face is one of you.  Martina replies, good reasoning.

He can't come up with a name for a device and then explain it right after. You have to work the device in somehow to the story and then explain it by maybe showing Martina in planting the device and having somebody say what are you doing?   I'm injecting a microbe. And then maybe later explain to gall that she had done that.

Often, within one or two sentences, you give us something that's unusual and then explain it to us. You're not allowing us, the reader to figure out what it is you're doing. Instead, it’s being explained.

In other words, you're telling us what something is and it immediately explaining to us what it is.

I will say, one of the nice things about the script is how you handled your action lines. Even though you could make better use of some of the space by not writing to three words and then drop it down in writing another action on the drop-down run another action line, the content in the action lines are actually very well written.

Another example of over explaining was by Martina again on page 61 where gall mentioned I need a shower but not a freezing one, and Martina replies it's a trick we used to get by thermal trackers and other devices. The huge amount of cold water helps mask heat sensors.

I remember in Minority Report, Lieut. Anderton hid from the spiders by getting in the tub of ice water. Everything you needed to know at that point was explain without a word being said. I think this is a good example of what I'm trying to explain where instead of explaining it to us what it is you're trying to do instead show us through dialogue and action but don't explain it to the audience as though they need to know what it is you're about to do. It really kind of takes the fun out of the discovery as you read it.

I think in the rewrite of this, you may want to consider working on some character arcs as well as perhaps adding some romance in it. Even if it's just heavy flirting or innuendos I noticed where you had gall looking at Martina's A** when she was bent over in the refrigerator.


Maybe take that a step further. But the more important aspect is that you need more character development with your primary players in the story.


I kind of feel like Martina took over the last part of the story just a bit. I could be wrong. But it seems like all just kind of disappeared for a while and Martina, stepped in there at the end and took the lead especially right at the very end when she starts talking to the crowd.


All in all this is a very good effort.  I think in your next rewrite, if you concentrate on deepening your characters, reworking your action lines to tighten up the script just a little bit and work on some of the dialogue that explains more than dialogue should, you'll have something really special here.  


Thanks for letting me read it! Feel free to hit me up with any questions you might have regarding any of the comments I gave here.

Shawn.....><

Revision History (5 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Ledbetter  -  December 2nd, 2014, 10:21am
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Dreamscale
Posted: December 2nd, 2014, 11:11am Report to Moderator
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Hey Ian, I read your intro, which seems to end on the middle of Page 6.  Wanted to throw out some feedback to you.

First thing, don't put your title on top of Page 1.  No reason for this and it looks amateur.

IMO, it looks much cleaner and easier to read when you skip 2 lines before a new Slug.  This was a hot topic a few years ago around here.  Try it and see if you like the way it looks.  Of course, you'll be adding a line every time you have a Slug, so your page count will increase, but IMO, it's well worth it and it will also make you write leaner to keep your page count down where you want it to be.

Your constant and incorrect CAPPING of words is a big turnoff, sorry to say.  I see no rhyme or reason as to why you're doing this so often.  Yes, you want to CAP each and every character's first intro, and that includes unnamed characters (MEN, WOMEN, GUARDS, etc), as well as animals even (RAT, CANARY, SNAKE, MUSKOX, etc), but anything other than possibly sound effects should not be CAPPED.  It just gets annoying, is probably the best way to put it, and you never want to annoy your readers.  Even teh CAPPING of sound effects is much less done than it used to be.

IMO, you've gone a bit overboard on the 1 line passages.  It obviously makes for what many will call an easy read, but that's merely because there are so few words on each page.  It's always a fine line, but for me, you're underdescribing alot, while at other times, you're skipping words here and there, which make the line an incomplete thought, most likely to save a line.

You'll find many detest the use of BEAT.  IMO, it's fine when used sporadically, but using it twice on your opening page, when it's really not needed either time, is probably a mistake.

I see Led mentioned the dialogue. I want to as well.  IMO, it's extremely OTN, and at times painfully so.  When characters say things to other charcters that they already obviously know, it's OTN, and you want to do your best to avoid it at all costs.  IMO, all the dialogue I read needs attention, and much of it needs to be completely scrapped and rewritten...or completely left out.

One thing really stood out and I have to question it - More than once, someone says that Gahl's organs were "jelly" and "mush" - how can he be alive if this is remotely true?  How can he be joking about his missing leg and the expensive tatoo on it?  I'd rethink this, as it's the very beginning and you don't want your readers calling Bullshit right off the bat.

Finally, I did scan ahead, as I wanted to see what Led was referring to when he mentoined you were using camera directions and the like.  He's right.  Don't do it.  There are ways of doing it without really doing it, if you feel it's that important a shot, but IMO, you should avoid trying to direct the shot as much as possible.  I can't tell you how many times I've read a script where the writer was trying to direct and by doing so, they totally shot themselves in the foot by making rookie mistakes, caused by their desire to direct.

Hope this all makes sense and helps.  Take care.
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Iancou
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Gentlemen,

Sorry for the delay. I have been out of town on business.

Now, for the feedback. First I would like to say thanks for taking time to read the script and giving your thoughts and suggestions.

Shawn,

Camera angles- yep. I plan on paring those down only to the absolute minimum when conveying something very specific I have in mind.

Dialogue- First drafts seem stilted to me also. It is not as natural as I would like, so heavily polishing is in order to make it sound realistic and believable.

Character- Developing them has been difficult, but the differences can be to my advantage in the form of opposites/contrasts. I hesitate about the romance part as watching "chick flicks" with my wife and actually enjoying them is one thing, but trying to add a love story would likely test me to my limits. However, it sounds intriguing.

As for Martina taking over, in a sense I wanted her to be part of Gahl's hero journey that Joseph Campbell described in The Power of Myth. He was becoming something so much more than what he was, and she came to realize that he was not bad as she led herself to believe initially. How I describe her change of heart is another one of my challenges.

Dreamscale,

Title- I added the title with the idea I wasn't going to have a title page. One or the other, but not both. Noted.

As for slugs and other scene headings, I have always used the default settings for either First Draft or Movie Magic, when I switched over. I also used the Cole & Haag default template for all of the settings. Is there a default template that is the typical standard? I hesitate to adjust settings.

Capping- Yes, I have gotten carried away. I initially stayed with effects, but that expanded. Dialing it in with the upcoming rewrite.

One-line passages- Tried to separate ideas without making long paragraphs. I will consolidate in next version.

BEAT- Same with PAUSE. Thinking of ways to convey the same thing without using terms.

Dialogue- noted.

Injuries- You would be surprised what people can survive for short periods of time when you would think death was instantaneous. Saw that in Iraq. Same with his wound. People concern themselves with strange things in the midst of extremely bad situations. My first tour in Iraq is a prime example. After getting shot at by insurgents in '03 (and sprayed by shrapnel, but his armor stopped the fragments), my gunner was worried that he was going to get an Article 15 for losing his issued and expensive ballistic goggles. After a firefight, nobody cared about those stupid goggles but him. Same with an incident in the Green Zone after a car bomb took out a couple of vehicles. I tried to insert real life into that scene and in my mind, Gahl was serious about his leg. He did not want to leave it behind as tattoos typically have deep sentimental meaning for the wearers. As for believability, people using their minds to move stuff, light swords, faster-than-light space travel, etc., all play big parts in other movies that lead viewers to suspend belief. So, how do I make it believable? That is my next challenge.

Thanks for the pointers and suggestions. There will be a revision at some point. This feedback will only make it that much stronger.

Take care.

Ian


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Dreamscale
Posted: December 16th, 2014, 10:29am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Iancou
As for slugs and other scene headings, I have always used the default settings for either First Draft or Movie Magic, when I switched over. I also used the Cole & Haag default template for all of the settings. Is there a default template that is the typical standard? I hesitate to adjust settings.


I use Movie Magic, as well. You can easily make adjustments in terms of # of lines to skip, # of dashes, etc.  As I said, just try it and see if you like the look.  I think you will...and once you do see it, you'll come tonotice when other scripts don't do it that way.


Quoted from Iancou
One-line passages- Tried to separate ideas without making long paragraphs. I will consolidate in next version.


That's good, but you'll find that when the majority of your script is all 1 line actions and descriptions, it will feel "light"...as in too light.

Injuries- You would be surprised what people can survive for short periods of time when you would think death was instantaneous. Saw that in Iraq. Same with his wound. People concern themselves with strange things in the midst of extremely bad situations. My first tour in Iraq is a prime example. After getting shot at by insurgents in '03 (and sprayed by shrapnel, but his armor stopped the fragments), my gunner was worried that he was going to get an Article 15 for losing his issued and expensive ballistic goggles. After a firefight, nobody cared about those stupid goggles but him. Same with an incident in the Green Zone after a car bomb took out a couple of vehicles. I tried to insert real life into that scene and in my mind, Gahl was serious about his leg. He did not want to leave it behind as tattoos typically have deep sentimental meaning for the wearers. As for believability, people using their minds to move stuff, light swords, faster-than-light space travel, etc., all play big parts in other movies that lead viewers to suspend belief. So, how do I make it believable? That is my next challenge.[/quote]

For any and all scripts and movies, the reader/watcher has to buy in to what is being delivered.  If tghey won't or can't, it's not going to work.

The problem here, IMO, at least, is that you have at least 2 characters say the guy's organs are "mush" and "jelly".  If that were remotely true, he would be very dead.  You don't show us this, so the way to fix it is to simply remove the dialogue saying these false statements...or...have a doctor or someone who actually knows, correct them.

Happy Holidays.

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Iancou
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Dreamscale,

Thanks again for the feedback. As I start the rewrite I will try the adjustments you suggested. Also, I am adjusting the whole "mushy organ" issue to be more vague. Since I am not a doctor (don't know any socially) and have only combat lifesaver/first responder training under my belt, I will gloss over that one.

Best of luck in your own endeavors. If you want me to reciprocate sometime, drop me a line. Would be happy to do it.

Ian


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