Molniya 7 by Anthony M. Dionisio - Sci Fi, Fantasy - A reckless American astronaut risks everything to save seven world leaders trapped on board a crippled Russian space station before it crashes to Earth. 90 pgs. - pdf, format

Hey Anthony,

Hope you're fine. I only read the first ten so far, but I'll read the rest within the next days. Here are some notes; I hope they help to get this thread running because this one, so far, reads as if you made a huge effort.

Logline sounds weird at first; on the other side it is written clear, reads interesting, and raises a lot of questions, which is positive.

I imagine that first space sequence was quite hard to write and communicate to the reader. It works. I never lost the overview. The descriptions are really good and well thought out. Even the bold typed stuff, I usually dislike to see on page, functions.

That said, I don't know if I get the tone. The animal tests were quite serious, whereas those pilots searching for space-crap come across funny. Same as the spacelad with her girl toy, a bit stereotypic maybe in opposite to that heavy scene and the Middle-east nuclear-theme later.

But I won't make a premature judgment. Here some notes:

THE MOON -- colonization has begun.

That's too general for me. I think it's great to leave some things to our imagination but a certain minimum of your vision should be carried on the page concerning such big things. At least one sentence imo.

I'd be interested what Rurik wears. Maybe cut one of his other features' descriptions and spend a few words on his dress.

p 5/6 – 25 seconds is too long. On screen this is damn long.
So, when Rurik watches the monkey, there has to happen something imo. You could use it to characterize Rurik. The way you've written it here Rurik just waits 25 seconds till this ape suffers from the injection.

Current Crew 0.  So Rurik is entering and the count is 1 now? This looks uneven. I'd suggest you to give us a shot of Rurik's craft docking, or however he had joined the station originally. Why not say - current crew 1 - if he's just going to join the Molniya?

Or perhaps this should mean Rurik is not a part of the originally crew...?

I'll come back when I've read it.

Alex

Thx SS for the post.

Thx for the notes, Alex. This has been on Script Shadow AOW and didn't do too well. This is a slight re-write trying to solve some issues about pacing while building a better Protagonist, so all notes would be most welcomed.

I'm trying to figure a way to front-end this with more action, but so far not doing too well. Sci-Fi action themed, but it's really a story about family.

Thx again,

Tony.

Hey Tony,

I'm sorry it took me so long to come back to this script...

I skipped through your feedback from scriptshadow and I agree with most things said. You should consider those notes from over there. Maybe now that you have a bit more distance to this draft you see things clearer and understand the input better, at least that's how it goes with my own stuff...

Alexis and Jammer mirror each other. The way both talk and act, too cool, seems too forced.

The action starts far too late, and with regards to the point above its way too far in the comedy corner.

Also some political comments and jokes build a humoristic climate of cold war 80's stuff. The Americans curse against the Russians, while Rurik throws back their prejudices.  Better find a villain characterization and main problem for your story from the 2010s (since I hope we're not going back to those points because of Ukraine, who knows). Goals, characters and their motivations, all that has to be rethought imo.

So, I suggest a whole new approach, a page one rewrite.

The U.S President has to fight for his life on a space station. That's what people, same as I, seem to like in case of your story. That is your baby. And I'd suggest you to write a "fresh" breathtaking scenario around this great premise.

The tension wasn't bad at all in the second half of the script. I could imagine you can use a lot of stuff from there and put it in a new story framework.

Concentrate on the president's characterization and give him a villain we haven't seen before.

The Middle East could be a quite nice theme to handle; the president could have been the one who had brought in some positive results into the conflict for the first time; then there are guys who don't want this for some other interests. But I wouldn't handle a kind of cold-war conflict from the 80's here. Make it fresh.

I also ask myself, what if this play spends much more time at the Molniya rather than on earth. If you draw and create a whole world up there, with something like daily comfort zones (implying a fake security) you could compress it so heavily for building more tension.

In the end, to write it again is a natural process, especially in SciFi. If you once again put the same major effort into your script, as you did when you looked down on white paper and developed this interesting piece one time, then, imo, it steps up to another level.


Here are some notes, but, as said, I would hardly suggest rethinking the concept, plotting, choice of characters and parts of the story from start to finish:

In the sequence of our family, there's a specific moment we make a final conclusion about their relation:

"ALEXIS
My parents, my loss. Don’t concern
yourself about it."

So, I guess that reflects the emotional conflict of her not wanting him in her life no more fine.
The Parker-"upbringing" thing is completely overwritten and boring, seen before.  He doesn't want to wash his dishes, did wrong in school, plays his video games without listening (do they still Play on Game Boys in an age of artificial gravity space stations-I doubt that)...; he heard his mother swearing...

Can you make it better and take only one or two points where you show Parker's upbringing with regards to his contrary parents, and tell an interesting sub-story around that point?
– Maybe it's right to show a scene of Jeb and Parker's calm farm-life to show Jeb's contrary position with regards to her, but then cut out all lines and subjects that go further than bringing the point across.

So, I'd leave it with: Alexis is an emotional maladjusted person who carries up son Parker from her opposing ex-husband Jeb, who wants her back but can't reach her emotionally anymore.

^^That's not complicated and should be presented as short and original as possible; and while this happens, you can interweave some exposition of the space plot same time.
I'm talking about heavily compressing this whole part. Then you'll have no blah, just context flying all over the place. So much context that we can't even follow all of it. Like when you watch a movie, second or third time, and experience new things you haven't noticed before because they've done it well. This point is transferable to every scene.


I like the girl toy stuff,
the dialogue line I've quoted,
and the rollercoaster cell phone call too. Those images are strong.


Three characters' expositions are quite generic situations:

The president and the first lady.
The lonesome farm life.
And Jammer in flight school: Of course No.1 on the hit list.

Different minor points:

1. The ISS probably will have a controlled reentering (like MIR) when its operational life span has come. I can understand it's a nice shot to let the Molniya overshadow ISS but I'm not so sure if you should ignore reality. Russia recently plans building a new station for example.

2. I'm not convinced of the way how you develop/establish that Secret Service Agent Treat carries a gun onto the Molniya. It's just too easy and Houston must be concerned or at least give a reaction. Also, it seems to be a massive violation of the meetings arrangement, and that the president has not much to say about it weakens his authority and position somehow, since he "should" be responsible for any imaginable consequence. The extend of the dramatic fall is also hurt. The good guys foreshadow that there'll be violence soon...

You seem to use this odd MAG underwear thing as a subtheme for jokes and so on, so why don't show Treat putting a colt in there or sth. earlier. It's just an undeveloped example of course. Again that would be like compressing your story for the better, connecting themes.


"CARL
Absolutely, usually don’t get many
VIP’s here, sorry it’s not more
comfortable."

VIP? Not a fan of how he talks to the first lady.

I like it a lot when you describe very sparse, the whole story accelerates then.  

26/27 Okay, I'm not so sure if the "humoristic" patriotic talks and Russia-USA stuff isn't too forced and repetitive in its style. It comes across as from the past. I don't know if it's the way how SciFi blockbusters work in 2010s. For me, it's too ironic and hurts extend of the dramatic fall. Just a bit over the top I think.

Just notice how overblown it is concerning political prejudices: KGB thugs, Communism?, hammer and sickle


"JEB
Parker, Janis said bye to you.

PARKER
Bye."

Uff. Sorry, but there's a lot of unoriginal stuff going on. I mean you show the kid annoying his father by playing a video game for the second time now.  I'm not impressed


Page 30 the president hasn't been in a dangerous situation once.


I read on till the end.

That Alexis fucks with Jammer doesn't make her much likeable when she emotionally goes back to her family in the end.

Of course there are some emotional strong points, I give you that.

But it's throughout too wanted.

The Top Gun pilot.
That the Molniya take hits as the ISS in Gravity.
The stowaway-boy is an old hat too.
Landing the ship on a highway
The cold war- dialectic
Then the Ebola stuff... and sending the Molniya into that brownfield... sounds more like fighting fire with fire

I'd be much more interested in what I originally expected; something like...

In a time when people colonize and privatize earth orbits, developed techniques like an artificial gravity, so that political leaders easily make treaties on a huge space station (which is a whole microcosm on its own) the best man, who brought peace on earth and everything, is thrown into hell by the most sinister villain imaginable (with interesting motives and goals somehow, never seen before).

But the important point is: We're in 2015 now. What I've read felt like a fanpic of mashed up past movies.

The family story's strong emotional points and the original action in the second half of the script cannot overshadow those problems I see in case of the whole picture.


It's not bad. I've read a lot of scripts that arrived at this specific point of progress. And every time I thought if the writer would just put the same honorable effort into it once again, put every stone back on the pile, and reconsider, then it could reach top level. Slight rewrites don't do it here imo.


I hope you get something out of my review.

After all, the foundation is great and hides big opportunities in my eyes.

Sorry again for coming around so late.

Keep at it.

Hey Alexander,

Thx for the money review. Good stuff. I'm glad you got back to this as promised

The "too cool" opinion -- This is hard for me to wrap my head around. Was Han Solo too cool when he lounged at the table with Greedo? Is Raylon Givens too cool in Justified? Don't you want to write characters as cool as possible? We lure actors to play roles with our writing, no? Better to be too cool then uncool IMO.

2 characters, Alexis and Jammer ultimately find each other. Both are the reckless and hotshot types of personalities. Both candidates for being "cool." When the feces hits the oscillator, one, Alexis, becomes a hero. The other, Jammer, becomes a coward. They ARC.

Action starts late, no doubt. Haven't figured out how to get this going quicker. 4th rewrite now and 38 pages until disaster strikes, although the hints of trouble do build and I believe I've established a dangerous environment.

This is a story about family and the will to survive. Ending credits and the audience should feel good about that.

The villain is meant to be the molniya one space station, space garbage, and the face of Rurik. that should be good enough, no?

Treat is the suspicious/not trusting agent who smuggles a gun onto the station. Not too hard to believe, no? The president's weakness is his own trust in people. If anything, the Pres doesn't ARC enough, but we can't have everything in an 80 page deal, right?

I took a beating on the Girl Toy stuff, glad you liked it. There was nothing wrong with it for a side character. I should have some freedom to write as I see fit, no?

I like the gun in the space underwear thing. Wish I though of it earlier.

A lot of people have a problem with Parker. I think I used him sparingly enough while still giving him a major role later on and a chance to be a hero. he is the catalyst in the family-story.

Ebola and the reassurance of Russia as the face of the bad guy once again. Is that not current or looking ahead? We are Arab terrorist out at this point, cant use them.

"But the important point is: We're in 2015 now. What I've read felt like a fanpic of mashed up past movies."

^^^ the best compliment ever. It means that I took marketable previous done stories/elements and combined them. Thank you. I'm proud of that.

Again, thanks for the review along with others. Priceless.

Tony

Well, it wasn't bad at all. In the end I just can watch at the movie market with my personal thoughts.

I found strong emotional parts in the end of the play, while the whole first half has been dominated by those both crazy spacemen.

Focusing more is always a good move in my eyes and that lacks in your play till now.

With finding a new angle I meant sth. like: What if it's about the president's family, directly? If Parker's his son, Alexis is his wife, and Jammer a guy who has a flirt with her on their ride to the Molniya, because of their family problems? (Somehow putting stuff together, compressing.) This makes not much sense and I don't like to suggest story parts – because it's your play and nobody can write your story better than yourself of course: Sometimes I just give some input of this kind because it could make the writer understand why the reader systematically missed connection to the story. With that plot from above for example you could get them into trouble earlier. Many points I mention might be wrong but there also could be reasons you find between a feedback's lines to make conclusions about the viewers experience.

It's good you defend many points of the play. Always a sign that you're not far away from reaching what you want.

I found Alexis was quite cool when she showed that she can have a cell phone conversation while riding rollercoaster, or playing the guy role in case of the lover-toy, that was different. Then there was just too much stuff and dialogue with Jammer and Alexis, while on the other side f.e., how little boy Parker gets so easy on a NASA space shuttle felt underdeveloped and unoriginally presented, really.

Just go deeper.

There were some cool points I can see work, like this glass wall stuff and one having to stay inside, or how they made the ship turn to prevent Alexis from burning while reentering; that really felt like those "Armageddon-like" movies.

There was a plot where they thought it's impossible to dock to the Molniya. It worked fine. Then, Jeb came up there with Terrier One. He had the same problem with docking but did something similar- uneven to me.

Rurik wasn't that strong. I see you want to combine some danger: the US president's life's at stake, and the North American continent. But I never had the feeling it's to the point.

Instead of Ebola, I felt we're more in a world of space based laser-systems, or fighting for recourses on the moon... Preventing moon war 1 shit like that, while earth's society wasn't shown to us too.

The Molniya and artificial gravity was also divergent from people's lifestyle. If you're telling from 2060, then things should look like that. The control center was like Apollo 13 style, the communication problems read boring; our family still has a television inside their kitchen. There are just lots and lots of points that felt like: it's not ready.

I don't think you have found the exact story by now.

Just let me know when you've changed some major stuff. I'll be there to look at it again if you want to. By the way, if I thought it was rubbish I would have said it, or didn't read it. I wanted to see how the spaceshit ends. In the end I read pro scripts, and they nail it to a certain level. I think we're all passionate about screenplays; I have no other motive to come here then to get into your script. Then I'm getting talky, right...