Spacewalkers by Alipikre R. Basher - Sci Fi, Fantasy - A NASA space probe is caught in an electromagnetic field, goes berserk and captures images of an asteroid that hit planet Earth sixty-five million years ago. An attempt destroy the asteroid turns into a disaster when, after placing the bomb, the spacewalkers are catapulted into the age of dinosaurs. 138 pages - pdf, format

Alipikre,

Is that pronounced Ah-lip-Ah-cre?

Anyways,

You first page has a major problem you need to solve by using the FLASBACK:  and PRESENT TIME: slugs. Just using the superimpose is not enough. Make it clear to the reader. Don't over use flashbacks either or the reader and viewer will hate you for it.

Big dialog blocks early on in the script. I've been killed for that in the past

Dialogs reading on the nose around pg 8. These self inflicted jokes are cheesy.

I flipped around and the end. You have elements of a big concept sci-fi. I think you could trim out at least 35 pages of dialog and some stuff. focus on the characters a bit.

GL with the script,

Tony.

Logline seems a bit long, but interesting and confusing. Is there an actual asteroid or is it just images? You say a satellite shows the images, then a team is sent to blow it up? Are they already back in time or does it happen when they attempt to blow it up? (it's solved now, but still you should re-word this)

"the spacewalkers sent to blow it up are catapulted to the age of dinosaurs" I like this idea though so I'm convinced to read it.

You can't really show how fast the asteroid is going, you can cut that.

Why say "Ancient dinosaur birds fly across the sky" make them a species, why not a Quetzalcoatlus, a 300 pound bird with a 36 foot wing span! Might not be appealing at the start of the story, but imagine when the poor bastards sent to the dino age encounter them!

You certainly have a lot of characters within the first few pages, are all of them really necessary?

Ah, here's an issue...space shuttle Columbia broke apart on re-entry back in 2003, unless this plays a part further into the story I suggest maybe changing it?

page 11 "The screen goes blurred." would it not be better to say blurry? or since it goes back to a clear image, just say it loses focus for a moment.

Page 11 - Jack's comment "Sir, this is Jack. We've got a situation here. An Earth-crosser is
coming." seems odd, it feels like a very crazy moment for Jack, why not have it express that through dialogue, don't let him worry about formalities, have him say something like "Get down here now" Next scene Howard busts into the room demanding why he needs to be down there or something, everyone ignores him, they are all staring transfixed at the screen....then he sees it.

"Yes, of course. The world must know the tragedy that will follow if we fail." Well this will certainly cause mass chaos even if they succeed.

Seeing as how John's military history will be important, I think you should develop it better, it's a part of his backstory and creating and developing  a character's backstories can be very good for the overall story.

How does Sandra know how far the asteroid is? Has the President made the speech and why is John leaking all this information to her, when was he told of the plan?

Who is Sandra anyways, is she his wife or girlfriend? All we know about her is that she works for CNN.

                            SANDRA
          John, I'll wait for you here.

Tears start to roll down her face.

A wife or girlfriend will not be this calm, John basically said he might have to detonate the nuke himself. There are a lot of scenes that need work, this one is a big one. It has all the necessary ingredients for a great dramatic moment but the lack of character development and lack of emotion  have really killed its potential.

I only made it to page 23, I'll read more tomorrow.  

Page 47 "loud APPLAUSE by clapping their hands." applause already tells us they are clapping, no need to tell us again.

"He pours some wine on the glass and gives it to David" Maybe I'm missing something, but wouldn't the wine float? Plus I think you meant to say "in". This whole wine pouring thing it a bit long, you have 8 lines just saying he pours wine and people drink it. Make it shorter, have them all toast or something.

Mayday is one word.

Why does everyone all of a sudden turn on John? They all knew the risks, Adrian even said "If Admiral Lafayette could sacrifice his life and fortune sailing across the Atlantic to help General
Washington, why can't I join you?" they all willingly join him and now when they are in dino-age earth and realize that in 15 days the asteroid will hit, they blame him for it? After reading this I kind of hope they die.


                                   JOHN
          Son of a bitch! It can devour us all in one bite!

                                  DAVID
          We're trapped here. We can't get out now.

                                  JOHN
           I have an idea. Let's go hunting. Follow me.

Then it goes on to tell is that Colonel Sherman must have suspected this was going to happen. First off I had to scroll back to find out who the hell he was, after realizing he was the USAF uniform wearing MITCHELL I immediately thought how would this guy be the only one to guess this was going to happen, it literally took everyone else by surprise. Then there's the fact that the guns are all of a sudden were there when they need them, you have left a lot of important moments out. At this point it wouldn't surprise me if some sort of magnetic field sort of teleportation event happened, allowing them all to escape the past.

Honestly I'm a big fan of dinosaurs, that was the only thing that kept me reading, but I was disappointed when the time finally came, I didn't finish it and most likely won't that moment when the Tyrannosaurs formed a chain link to stop the spacecraft taking off was too much.

You need to work on the characters, dialogue, and action

The characters I don't feel I really care for, if any, John is the one I assume is the main character? Why not develop him more, he has an interesting backstory (military) and a wife or girlfriend which would give great dramatic moments. Another think I don't like about John is the way you move him around, he was on Earth at first, then in space, then sent back to Earth just to go back into space.

Here's how I would've done John and the story...

He's retired from NASA, or is taking a long vacation from it, he a war veteran so I'll want to show the reader that with flashbacks, one in particular would be a family he failed to save or had to watch die, he feels guilty, it destroys him which would make it easier to believe he would take off on a mission in space, to save his own family because he doesn't want a repeat of his wartime experience.

Instead of just a "I'll wait for you here" I would create a very dramatic scene, both when John first tells Sandra (they fight and argue, but John won't back down from the mission) and when the day of the launch comes (have a emotional goodbye)

You'll need to develop the other characters a bit more too, if you do that then the dialogue will come easier to you and it won't sound cheesy.

The only other thing I'd change would be the guns in the space shuttle, no one but the colonel suspecting that they might be sent back in time sounds ridiculous to me, I'd cut that and give them no guns at all, instead I'll find another way for them to get away (oh, and I'd cut that dino chain thing too)  

Since I love dinosaurs I'd have them explore too, but that's just me.

Despite all the negatives here I urge you not to give up on this, I love the idea, love the story line (to a degree) you just need to tighten it up.

Hi,

Just read the first page and hear are my notes so far before I continue to read.

A dark whirling EM. I'm not sure an EM can whirl in space without causing a vacuum polarization.

"toward planet Earth at a speed of fifteen miles per second."
I think the asteroid travelled faster than fifteen miles per second.

Avoid using words like "We hear" or "we see" Just simply have "whistling"

The dinosaurs give out very loud MOANS as they look up the
darkening south-southwestern sky.

This just reads awkwardly, just simply again "The dinosaurs moan" and also you could add the next action in with this action so it becomes one paragraph.

We get it, it's a dust cloud, do we really need to know what direction the dinosaurs are facing. It's not exciting so I would just lose that line all together.

Need a super for the next scene, we've just jumped 65 million years without you telling us.

I'll continue to read but this does need a re-write from what I have seen.


Hope this helps

Lee

Thank you for your great ideas. I will certainly incorporate them in the revised draft of my script. You may view it again next week.

Quoted from AlipikreB You may view it again next week.

Why, thank you. Very generous.

Submissions are closed down until the 16th I believe, so while you work on your script I suggest you read other screenplays on here and give them your two cents, not only will this increase your chances of more reads, but also will teach you how to and how not to write a screenplay.