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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Planet Zinja Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 21st, 2015, 4:17pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Planet Zinja by Edrick Joel Magambo - Sci Fi, Fantasy - Trapped on an enigma planet of extinct manlike creatures, a citizen of Earth needs his way back home, but first - he must fight for them. 137 pages - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  June 25th, 2015, 3:32pm
revised draft
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Equinox
Posted: March 23rd, 2015, 2:27am Report to Moderator
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Made it to page 60 yesterday, will read the rest later, hopefully today, if I get the time.


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Equinox
Posted: March 23rd, 2015, 4:33pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, I finished reading the script now. Overall, I liked it, but there are some points which don't work for me at all. I find it hard to get the tone/atmosphere your movie wants to transfer. It switches from children/family target audience to hardcore slayer horror target audience. And the end is just terrible, feels like you got tired of the story and just didn't want to continue writing. More later.

- I find the format a little hard to read sometimes. Too many -- and ... for me. Also, on one page you make every sentence a new action, next page you have multiple sentences in a single action. I don't know, it just doesn't feel very coherent.

- Don't have everybody die with smashed heads. Unless you want this to be an adult film only. Keep the gory scenes to the important "boss fights". Or even better, leave them out completely, it just doesn't fit to the otherwise likeable and a little dumb Zinjas. Aside of that, if every simple soldier is smashed in one hell of a slashing, heads cut off every 5 pages, it gets boring quickly.

- At some points you get lazy and write 'they are arguing about Sam' for example. Why not write out the dialog and let us see their argument? Catched my eyes like 4 or 5 times throughout the script.

- I think it would really be better to invent Cetah much earlier in the story. She becomes kind of a key character in the end but she only just appears on page 75 or so. Make her meet Sam earlier, when she doesn't yet know who he is. Think of Avatar or make something up on your own.

- I don't like Foso is dying in the battle. He is the major hero in the first half of the script, while they are in the dungeon and meet Sam. Then he just dies - why? It doesn't seem to make sense or help the story in any way. If you used roughly 60 pages to build a character, don't just let him die if it doesn't propel the story in any way.

- Similiar point about the one of the giant twins who dies. His brother reacts to his dead saying 'NOOOOOO' - after that there is no further mention of it any more. I would imagine the remaining giant twin should refer to his brother's dead from time to time. Like he is going on a personal quest to avenge his brother, something like that.

- Dialog: I get how the Zinjas' dialogs are wrong in grammar purposely, I also understand why they use single word dialogs where anyone else would form a sentence. That fits well to their image of big, dull, likeable giant-babies. But Sam is a human being. He should speak like a human at least.

- Sam is mating with Cetah? Hey man, he is a ten year old in the body of a twenty year old! Shouldn't ten year olds be like 'bah go away' when a girl (an alien one on top of it) is trying to kiss them? I don't buy that, at least not in the way it is written. If at all, Cetah should slowly teach him what to do, you know what I mean. Would also help if they get to know each other earlier (see my point above), to build some kind of a relationship.

- Around page 100 or so, Sam tells Cetah 'I'm just a child on earth' - yet he knows how to make alcohol of fermented banana juice? Doesn't sound realistic imho.

- Same about the creation of bows and arrows. A bow is more than just a stick with a rope, it's quite complex to make good bows. I don't think many 10 y.o. boys have a clue of it.

Possible solution: Add an introduction of the 10 y.o. Sam when he is still on earth. He could be working on the alcohol thing for a school project. He could be in an archery club studying how bows were made in earlier times in a library, something like that. Show us why Sam at the age of 10 has this knowledge.

- I can't quite make up a tone for your movie. On one side, the Zinjas seem silly with their speaking and their very one-dimensional thinking, which implies a funny tone (I get the picture of Jar Jar Binks from Star Wars). On the other hand, they are extremely cruel, smashing heads of anybody they don't like all the time (rather sounds like Predator to me). I don't think the mix of this works out very well in your script. If I read over the gore scenes, I see a funny movie, probably targeting kids and young adults as well as families. Think about which audience you want to target. Is this meant to be a slayer, then don't dumb down the Zinjas that much, turn their characters more into those of smart killers. I wouldn't suggest to go this way though. I had the most fun, imagining them like big but lovely baby-brains. My vote would be to get rid of the cruel fighting scenes, make the battles more obscure and less focused on graphical violence.

- I miss a bit of background story. Would be nice to know why the rebels fight Homidu? Ok, it is mentioned, that Homidu killed Zootoo's father, but that's a little cheap as motivation for a civil war. In my opinion you should really work out some kind of a conflict here. For example, Homidu could have a pact with the cloudsmen who want to conquer the planet and turn all Zinja into slaves while the rebels struggle to stay a free people. I'm sure you can figure out something better on your own, it's your script.

The ending...

- Why is Sam suddenly so cruel? Really, he burns the priest who is already down on the ground? I mean, ok that bastard tortured him before, but isn't a hero a good guy usually?

The ending is poor. What happened to Sam's plot to return home? Where is the conflict where he has to decide to either return home or to stay with Cetah instead? And why would the witch kill Sam after he just came to rescue her? Doesn't make sense to me at all.

When I started reading the script, I expected Sam was dreaming all this and would wake up with a bulge on his head down in the waterfall being 10 y.o. again in the end. If it is not for a dream, the whole thing about the cloudsmen and how Sam hatches out of that egg, all doesn't make any sense to me. The cloudsmen and the part how Sam came to Zinja are just not being picked up in your script which is a big problem.

Even Chronicles of Narnia had some kind of an explaination how the kids got to Narnia. They were hiding in a cabinet and by coincidence, that cabinet contained a passage to another universe. Sounds cheap too, I know, but at least it's some kind of an explaination, which your script is missing.

I think there is potential for a good story in this script, I don't often manage to read up until the end, usually I lose interest when I found too many mistakes or story weaknesses and just skim over the rest then. This one got me hooked and made me want to keep reading. All the more, my disappointment was huge about the end.

Hope my points are helpful for you and you keep working on it. Maybe we get a new draft, will love to read it again

Good luck with this!


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EdrickM
Posted: March 28th, 2015, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
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Hi ThorstenL,

Thanks for your great review, it has really helped. I don't know if you will ever come back here but if you do, please contact me via my email; mjoeledrick@yahoo.com. I'd like to share with you more. Thanks, and again, thanks for taking your time to read the entire script, it means a lot.

Edrick.
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Equinox
Posted: March 28th, 2015, 4:14pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Edrick,

I'm still around here, but mostly reading recently, because rarely anybody ever answers back after a review.


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Lightfoot
Posted: March 28th, 2015, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
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ThorstenL

It happens...best way to avoid wasting your time reading and reviewing is to either ask if the writer is around prior to reading or look up the most recent posts to see who is and isn't active in the forums.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: March 28th, 2015, 5:35pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Equinox

I'm still around here, but mostly reading recently, because rarely anybody ever answers back after a review.

I always feel bad when new members work heard on reading and reviewing scripts and no one answers back. The trick is to check when the script was posted. If it's old, then there's a good chance the writer might not be around and/or have no idea someone read their script. Second, it's a good idea to check who wrote the script. Is the writer an active member? If not, the review might fall on deaf ears.

You are of course allowed to read and comment on any script that interest you, but if you want feedback on your feedback, it's best to check those things first.  

PS: är du svensk?


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Equinox
Posted: March 29th, 2015, 2:02pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Angry Bear,

nope I'm not swedish, I'm german. Thanks for the info, will check next time before I read something. Currently I'm busy anyway, struggling to finish my tv pilot, I'd like to enter into a few contests. It's done, but it is 62 pages long, still need to cut it down by 3-4 more pages and it's a challenge by now, after I already cut over 10 pages since first draft.

When it's finished I'll be more active here again.


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Equinox
Posted: April 5th, 2015, 5:35am Report to Moderator
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My script is finished now and upped here in the 'series' section. Any reads/comments are welcome.


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EdrickM
Posted: July 2nd, 2015, 9:48am Report to Moderator
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Hi Guys,

Nice of you all for your comments on my script. I am truly grateful, especially ThorstenL. I just wanted to let you know about the revised version of Planet zinja. Check it out and tell me what you think. Again, thanks for your reviews all.

Edrick
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TonyDionisio
Posted: July 2nd, 2015, 1:35pm Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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Edrick,

Grats on your feature and your re-write. I musta missed this back in March.

Off the bat, I have a huge problem with the title. well half of it anyway. IMO, lose the Planet Zinja reference. I don't think it works. "The Kingdom fall" on the other hand works well. You need to get part 1 made before you think about sequels.

So, you did a re-write and you are still at 137 pages? You are waaaaay over where you need to be. 80-100 if you don't want to turn off readers. Reading the log and I expect to be pulled in with some sci-fi. Open the script and kids sitting around a camp fire??? Page ten is where I would start this story. Ten pages you can cut out right there and re-work the other elements into the story somewhere, somehow.

I think Sam gets a bit shadowed in this story. Same like the other "Sam" in Avatar.

The visual set-up on page 10-11 is where you want to begin. But still, so many liberties in the writing that you can cut down. Like...
Code

Gondo is one hell of a fighter.



I think I remember Dustin explaining action blocks a whiles back. He said it well, If I can recall... "Stabbing small visual jabs in succession into the readers mind." Or compare it to a morse code machine of old.
Code

TIME CUT: to the battle still going on but the rebels count
greatly reduced.


Like the above. Someone gets into your story then has to read through this?  Just leave all the visual trickery to the directors unless your last name is Cameron.

There is so much to cut still. I think you should re-work the ending again. Some of the above the suggestions need to be re-examined.

Keep working at this, trim it and then get the main character more marketable.

GL with the script,

Tony.
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Georgia
Posted: July 29th, 2015, 9:21am Report to Moderator
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Hi Edrick,

Here are my notes:

First off, well done for having persevered through a second draft - that’s really admirable. I think you created a very vivid, interesting world that I enjoyed spending time in.

I’m by no means an expert, but the following are a couple of things that struck me when I was reading your screenplay - some are just cosmetic, stylistic pointers, others might require more work to resolve but none are intended as veiled ways of saying “this sucks” - not at all - I think there’s lot of good things to work with here

My main difficulty with this piece of work was that I found it difficult to get emotionally invested in the main character and his journey. I think the screenplay would be strengthened overall if the focus was narrowed to one storyline, and flit around less, so that the audience can get more invested in a group of characters on one side of the conflict, particularly in the first 50 pages. I think I get that Sam is supposed to be the protagonist but I don't find myself identifying with his plight very much. In your next draft, channel plenty of energy into making us engage with Sam above all others and be careful not to dilute his story by diverting our attention away with storylines that steal emotional energy away from him. For example, I found myself more interested in Kanni's storyline - she'd lost a child and her husband was ineffectual in seeking vengeance for the murder, that interested me. But it didn't make me feel anything more or less for Sam, so you might argue that it stole energy away from the main story.

I think something that might help would be to make Sam more active. Particularly early on, Sam doesn't DO very much. Instead, things happen TO him; He is carried to a strange land, he simply falls to Zinja, he is injured through torture so that he has to be carried places by Foso and his transformation into the incarnation of Bbuto is prompted by the work of the Physician, not something that Sam has done. Crucially, Sam does not end the war, the climactic moment, by killing Homidu, he arrives to find that Zooto has seen to that. Essentially, there's not enough that's 'heroic' about the hero, to my mind. Mampus has more of the hallmarks of a hero by actively seeking and capturing the witch using his cleverness.  The only thing Sam has to do in order to be lauded as a great warrior is impart a small bit of knowledge that he learned a few days before - it didn't cost him anything, he didn't really need to work for their admiration. Even when he fulfilling the role of 'saviour' he's not having to try very hard.

Perhaps you could emphasis Sam's goal a little more heavily and then make him more active in getting it. In your mind, is his goal to get home? If so, we need to know why getting home is so important to our hero. I wasn't really buying the vague 'my parents would be worried, the police might be looking for me' explanation on pg 101. If his goal is to get home then early on we need to see why home is important, a reason that’s so important to Sam, that pulls at his heart so much, that he would risk everything to get back. Perhaps he is really, really keen on one of the girls he was teasing in the opening scenes? Perhaps she gave him something, a little trinket or sign of affection from their adventures in the forest, that he took with him to Zinja so that every time he looks at it he's reminded of why he needs to get home. That example is a bit on the nose, but do you see what I'm getting at? And then when Sam gets embroiled in the war, make it abundantly clear how winning the war helps him get back home. If the Vestal Stone is the key to getting home, attaining it should be inextricably linked to winning the war e.g. whoever wins the war gets the stone - that is the only way the war actually matters in this story. And make winning the war really, really hard with a good chance that Sam might fail and lose everything, including his chance to get back home, the thing he wants more than anything else. That way all the energy is flowing through a central 'thread' to your story: the desire to get back home.

I kind of like how often it's emphasised how small and frail Sam appears compared to the other inhabitants of this world. Maybe this is something you could build upon: how keenly aware Sam is of how puny he is and how he feels he could never stand up on the battlefield with these brutish creatures, despite what they say about him being Bbuto. Maybe this is a hang-up he brought with him from his 10-year-old world where the other kids have always teased him for being small so he's always had to be smarter and more resourceful (at things like making weapons and brewing useful chemical compounds...) than the others. The fact that he is bullied for being small will also make the audience like him and get on his side right from the beginning. That might also explain how he can impart this resourcefulness when he is helping the others make modern weapons and why it's a BIG DEAL when he steps on the battlefield and has to prove himself in a physical arena.

A few small observations…I don't know if the swearing is necessary. I think you are limiting your audience unnecessarily. Similarly, it’s pretty blood-thirsty e.g. killing fleeing orphans (pg 44) and rebel infants (pg 45). You should ask yourself if it’s so important to the story that it’s worth the audience that you will deter with so much violence.

To reiterate a point from another user, avoid camera direction (examples on pg 7 and pg 19). Instead intimate the nature of the shot through description, e.g.  (from pg 7) "PULL BACK AND HIGH atop the forest's deep canopy and fast sweep over it, seeing all sorts of magical creatures and fairly mocking Sam's cry then DROP BACK TO:" might be replaced with:

Sam's cry reverberates throughout a vast expanse of forest teeming with magical creatures which we glimpse through the dense canopy.

A quick note on language style: Here and there throughout you use strange turns of phrase. Give it a thorough re-read, checking the idiomatic English. Examples include: "The ditch begins to SINK him" (pg might be "begins to engulf him" or "he begins to sink"; (pg 23) "Liquor is in plenty" ought to be "liquor was plentiful". (Pg 15) "His eyes and jaws almost wearing off his face due to much pressure" is also a little strange. As is "The prisoners' faces flinch business" (pg 54).

Also your syntax is sometimes a little awkward, for example, "Wild beasts surrounding the camp give a normal human terror" (pg 10) might be better as something like "would strike terror in the hearts of a normal human". Small spelling mistakes here and there: "Scare craw" (pg 16) and "holly water" need amending. When you say "bizarre" (e.g. pg 53) I think you mean "berserk". I would encourage you to continue to proofread it thoroughly and seek a second pair of eyes from another competent English speaker if necessary.

Again, to restate a comment above, don't describe things that you could easily demonstrate either through action or dialogue: (pg 17) "PIPO and TENA - who complete each other's sentences" is an obvious one.

Sam doesn't speak or act like a 10-year old and, as I think it was commented on your previous draft, he has knowledge beyond what I'd expect a 10 year old to have. His knowledge of fermentation, bow-making and archery is still too good for a child who's had a lesson or two at camp. Beyond this, he has appreciation of more mature subject matter, like the nature of purgatory on pg 36. No 10-year-old would use vocabulary like "expiated".

I wonder if the extent of the subtitling would be too laborious for an audience. The dialogue is often fast-paced alongside action and contains new, alien names and unfamiliar terminology. I had to really concentrate to keep up, I think it would be even harder to watch. Would consider changing the Zanji to English? You might sacrifice some 'authenticity' but I think the strain on the audience would be less. Also, I may have missed something, but how do Foso, Twin Giant #1 and the Dungeon Guard know English? Or how is Sam understanding them?

Overall, I enjoyed the world building you’ve done but I was left a bit cold and emotionally detached from the characters I could tell I was supposed to care about. But I definitely think this is fixable. I think an examination of what Sam’s ultimate goal is, why he cares about it so much and why it will be hard for him to get it will pay dividends in the next draft. Keep it up!

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