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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Y Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: September 6th, 2015, 12:56pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Y by Fausto Lucignani - Sci Fi, Thriller - After the atrocious death of her father, a Jewish doctor struggles against Nazi bioterrorists to thwart the 21st Century Holocaust.  122 pages - pdf, format


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vancety
Posted: September 10th, 2015, 11:13am Report to Moderator
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Ok, let's see if you can surprise me by writing a modern "The Boys from Brazil". Going to read this...
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eldave1
Posted: September 10th, 2015, 11:58am Report to Moderator
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Hey Fausto: tried to get through it - but there are issue right from the start.


Quoted Text
FADE IN:
NEW YORK CITY, 2015


No sure what this is - am I looking downtown? At a street? Is this suppose to be a SUPER?

Quoted Text

INT. HOSPITAL - MORNING

The nurses station in the INFECTIOUS DISEASES floor bustles
with medical personnel.


Make the scene heading more specific so you don't have to establish it in the first line of action.

INT. HOSPITAL/INFECTIOUS DISEASES FLOOR - DAY


Quoted Text
An Hispanic-American NURSE (30) SPEAKS on a PA system.
(She speaks English with a Spanish accent).

THE NURSE
Doctor GOLD, to Infectious Diseases.
Doctor GOLD, to Infectious Diseases.


She is NURSE - not THE NURSE and where is she? Is she speaking at a nurse's station? - if so - describe that or wherever it is she is speaking from.


Quoted Text
INT. NURSES STATION - MINUTES LATER

Doctor ESTHER GOLD, dark-brown hair, acutely attractive in
her early 40s, stands facing a SENIOR NURSE, grayish hair,
plump, (50).


You don't need the minutes later and now we have a nurses station - set that up front. ANd - I'm confused - was the first nurse not at a station and was just a V.O through a P.A - if so, you need to indicate that. If not, why is Esther talking to someone other than the nurse that paged her.


Quoted Text
ESTHER
What's the emergency.


typo - question mark missing.


Quoted Text
THE SENIOR NURSE
An man has just been admitted. He's
vomiting blood and has high fever.


Typo - A man.

Okay - I'm out early on this one. There is some clean up needed.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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CameronD
Posted: September 10th, 2015, 12:10pm Report to Moderator
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I'm one of those annoying people who make comments without reading scripts. Sorry. I'm at work and just don't have the time. But your title jumped out at me for the wrong reasons. I thought I'd take a look at the logline to see if there was a reason you named your script after a letter of the alphabet. But I don't see why. (no pun intended)

Unless there is a very key part of your script focused on the letter Y I would advice you to look at a different title. It's not the best title.  


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: September 11th, 2015, 8:43am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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You sure it's not got something to do with the Y chromosome or something?

EDIT: Quick scan of the script shows it is.
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CameronD
Posted: September 11th, 2015, 9:39am Report to Moderator
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Ok, I'm an idiot. (And no biology expert) I take it back. My apologies. Just wanted to make sure it fit.


http://www.TheFilmBox.org Movie reviews, news, and fun!
http://www.screenplaywritenow.com Write a screenplay. Write. Now.
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TonyDionisio
Posted: September 11th, 2015, 10:31am Report to Moderator
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Damnit, get to the point!

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WHy are there 11 pages of blank at the end of this PDF?
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vancety
Posted: September 12th, 2015, 5:41am Report to Moderator
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Read 10 pages. Sorry Fausto, I think this could be a good story looking at the logline but somehow the writing does not pull me in. It has a clinical feel to it. Maybe it's too on the nose, I don't know...
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