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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Star Wars Episode IX The Fallen Sons Part I & II Moderators: bert
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  Author    Star Wars Episode IX The Fallen Sons Part I & II  (currently 375 views)
Don
Posted: April 7th, 2018, 7:57pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Star Wars Episode IX The Fallen Sons Part 1 & II by Scott Sturm - Sci Fi, Fantasy - In the final moments of a decades long conflict . . . In the darkest hour for the galaxy . . . Hope will be found. 297 pages - pdf, format

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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 10th, 2018, 4:06pm
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Gerasimos
Posted: April 8th, 2018, 2:47pm Report to Moderator
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I had a go on this, as a huge starwars fun. Went through the first 15 pages, but formatting/grammar made me stop.

Some notes:
verb tense. Present progressive/past
Better use 'We see' insted of 'we're being..' or 'for/to us'
page 7- ... to us, the audience, it resembles... / page 10- Unkar appears larger than life... (
(show, don't tell)
break action scenes. eg page 9- Threepio turns and looks...is UNKAR PLUTT (should look something like this: Threepio turns and looks towards the trading post window. UNKAR PLUTT stands there. Conducts business).
Better break too many action 'and' too. eg page 11: Unkar's eyes grow wide. Grabs Threepio by the neck. Pulls him close.
Remove begins to, starts to..

Huge effort though, willing to go through the whole thing after a revision or something..


Features:
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