I had a go on this, as a huge starwars fun. Went through the first 15 pages, but formatting/grammar made me stop.
verb tense. Present progressive/past
Better use 'We see' insted of 'we're being..' or 'for/to us'
page 7- ... to us, the audience, it resembles... / page 10- Unkar appears larger than life... (
(show, don't tell)
break action scenes. eg page 9- Threepio turns and looks...is UNKAR PLUTT (should look something like this: Threepio turns and looks towards the trading post window. UNKAR PLUTT stands there. Conducts business).
Better break too many action 'and' too. eg page 11: Unkar's eyes grow wide. Grabs Threepio by the neck. Pulls him close.
Remove begins to, starts to..
Huge effort though, willing to go through the whole thing after a revision or something..