Thanks Gabe, you're too nice!

And I'm still waiting on those two other shorts. Or three. See, it's been so long ago that you made me forget!

Or have they been posted and I missed them??

Hi Kham,

Finally got to read Gurza.

First of all, congrats on finishing the feature. Mostly, I liked it, although I've some suggestions as you'd see. Take all of them with a grain of salt - pick what you like and ignore the rest.

Okay, after the preamble, here are my thoughts:

Good first four pages. The gallery scene picked my interest right away with the introduction of the snake paintings and the 'mysterious' Gabriel Maiorano. I like how you introduce the characters and then build up to the first story, very well-done.

My only suggestion here would be removing the last line of Gabriel's dialogue so it ends on 'Azerbaijan' (pg. 4):

Quoted Text GABRIEL Davood, that's his name, is not originally from here. His parents lived in this rural place in a faraway country called Azerbaijan--

Then, I'll suggest adding it to the V.O. and changing the line about 'invading forsaken houses' from 'people' to 'someone', to make it a little more personal:

Quoted Text GABRIEL (V.O.) They stayed there as refugees, so the family didn't have much at all. Have you ever met someone who invaded a forsaken house because there's no way he can afford his own? Theirs was not even a house, it was stones put together in the middle of a place called Bilga. That's where people that are well-off have their summer houses.

But that's just me being picky.

Another thing I liked is where Davood's family house is located. We have this unfinished small stone construction in the middle of a neighbor of well-to-do houses. It's a powerful image with a lot of contrast. Which is why I'd suggest adding a little more description here (pg. 5):

Quoted Text EXT. NEIGHBORING HOUSE - DAY A nice residence in sharp contrast to the unfinished construction.

  

Not much, just one or two lines describing the house, so we can visualize what you're seeing.

Pg. 10)

Quoted Text Their father interrupts. He thrusts the fence open. And he limps inside. MAHMUD Narmin! Come quick.

I'd have liked to see/read the scene where Mahmud is bitten by gurza or, alternatively, the moment preceding it, when gurza prepares to bite. It'd be a cool way for us to get a first glimpse of the snake - I think we haven't seen it yet - and it'll be a scene filled with tension.

Quoted Text In about a second she pulls apart from the wound and spits.

Another nitpicky suggestion: 'In a split second, she pulls apart from the wound and spits.'

Quoted Text Davood rushes for water. He reaches a pot filled with water, grabs a cup, scoops some.

Where's the pot?

Quoted Text BANU He died? GABRIEL Yes, in the end he did. But not on that day, not on the next day and not the day after that.

Really liked this.

Quoted Text A screech of wheels wafts in from the outside.

Hats off.

Pg. 27)

Quoted Text GABRIEL Who do you think died in the park? Samson?

I'd rewrite that question since no one dies in the park. Maybe something like: 'Do you think Samson died in the park?'

Pg. 28 )

Quoted Text She turns to the oven, opens it. Turns the gas knob on. Slowly she kneels next to it. Then, she sticks her head inside and inhales.

Mmm. Not sure why she does that. I guess she's trying to commit suicide before gurza gets to her first. But I'm still not sure. This scene needs a little work.

Pg. 31)

Quoted Text He looks up to see his mother--

Wow. I didn't expect that. Good job.

Pg. 32)

Quoted Text BANU He killed his mother after all.

At this point in the story, I'm not sure what leads her to draw this conclusion. It feels a little out of place IMO.

Quoted Text Gabriel shrugs. Banu puts on her hat.

There's an odd spacing between these two lines. You may want to check the formatting. I think the second line is formatted as a header instead of an action line.

Pg. 35)

Quoted Text She reaches into her purse, dials her mother. BANU (into phone) Mom, hey. I'm still here. He just left, talked about me looking like a snake and how yellow my eyes were. No, it wasn't light in the store, it's dim all the time even in the mornings, you know that. Yes, we agreed to meet tomorrow, there are two more paintings left. Okay, love you.

I think you can cut to the next scene after:

Quoted Text She reaches into her purse, dials her mother.

Pg. 35)

Quoted Text It's ROGER (25), a gallery help.

Liked the inclusion of Roger. The gallery scenes started to feel a little repetitive and he's a fresh character that brings something new we didn't know about Banu's life.

Pg. 38 )

Quoted Text BANU Do you mean to tell me he killed someone then painted it and you got to witness the whole thing?

Still not sure what leads her to draw this conclusion. It feels like she's obsessed with the painter being a killer when all we know, at this point, is that he's trying to survive gurza's curse.

Pg. 44)

Quoted Text JEYLA Davood?

I was already expecting this, but you handled it well.

Quoted Text We see a hat in the woman's hands. The same hat Banu wore the other day.

Okay, same here.

Well, it's getting a bit late here so I'm going to stop for now.

Overall, I think you have a good story in your hands. The script is well-written and a quick read, and Banu and Gabriel work pretty well as lead characters. Besides, it's an interesting take on a legend that is unknown for most people, me included. It's more of a dark mystery than a straight horror, but it shifts a little towards the end, which is cool.

Hope the notes help. I will post the rest of my comments tomorrow.

David

Second batch of comments...

Pg. 47)

Quoted Text BANU They found mother in the park. How’s that possible?

I think you should delete the last line, “How’s that possible”. “They found mother in the park” is an important line of dialogue, and deleting the last line will stress its importance.

Quoted Text She suddenly gets a revelation.

I’d suggest to add some visuals. Banu may furrow her brow or open her eyes…

Pg. 48 )

Quoted Text BANU Haha. The autopsy is tomorrow morning. As soon as they state it’s a snake bite they’ll lock you up. And you’ll be my only relative that’s in prison.

This sounds a little childish IMO. I know Banu is young, but it feels a little out of character. I’d suggest removing the ‘Haha’ and replacing it by “My only relative? My only relative in prison, you mean. The autopsy is tomorrow…” or something like that.

Pg. 51)

Quoted Text In a moment she sees the gray body again. It’s much closer this time.

Really liked this scene. Good job. This is the kind of scene I was expecting when I first read the logline.

Quoted Text Banu hysterically laughs at that, swerves away from Gabriel, strides away.

Same thing as with the ‘Haha’. The hysterical laugh feels a bit out of place.

Pg. 53)

Quoted Text Gabriel freezes. In a moment he collects himself and reaches for the door. He opens the door to GARY, a policeman.

Liked Gary’s sequence.

Pg. 55)

Quoted Text Gabriel locks the door behind Gary. Gabriel walks back into the kitchen.

Another nitpick. It would be great if you could change the perspective: Gabriel locks/He walks.

Pg. 57)

Quoted Text He grabs the snake out of the aquarium,

A small typo. The comma.

WARNING – SPOILERS AHEAD:

Pg. 58 )

Quoted Text Jeyla lies in bed, half of her body covered in cast – her neck, her elbow and shoulder. Her head is heavily bandaged.

I didn’t expect this one. Well done.

Pg. 61)

Another small suggestion:

Quoted Text BANU Remember you said we need to stick together? You were right. I don’t want a damn snake to bite me.

Pg. 62)

Quoted Text BANU That means you lied about Samson.

Hats off, again. I really like it when the writer uses an unreliable narrator. It keeps you guessing or surprises you - Dan Fogelman’s script Life Itself is a great example of that.

Pg. 66)

Okay, I’m a little lost.

Quoted Text EXT. PARK - DAY Banu, dressed in spring colors, sits on a bench and texts Roger: “Where” […] INT. JEYLA’S APARTMENT - NIGHT Jeyla lies in bed, all bandaged up like the last time. […] EXT. PARK - DAY Roger lurks from behind a row of trees. […]

Is this a flashback or the action spans several days? You should clarify...

Quoted Text Roger pushes Gabriel toward the fire.

I found this a little cruel for Roger to do. We know Gabriel is bad – he killed Samson – but I don’t think any of them (Roger, Banu or Jeyla) would push him or plan to set him on fire. This strikes me as a real cruel death, and none of them seems to be so cruel. So, one of two: either you show us Gabriel is pure evil, or he sets himself on fire by accident and gets the death he deserves. But without their active involvement.

Okay, these are all my notes.

I think I covered it all, more or less, but, if there’s anything else you wanted me to comment on that I didn’t, tell me and I’d be happy to.

Good job, Kham - I found Gurza to be an entertaining read and an interesting story.

David

Hi David.

Thank you so much.

And yes - I was worried about that killing Gabriel scene. An accident - why didn't I think of that. Thanks for telling me.

I'll also start working on other logic issues such as his mother killing herself and Banu jumping to conclusions about Davood killing his mother and Samson. His mother decided Davood was a killer and couldn't take it. About Banu - I need to clarify here what she's trying to say - killing is not the best word. He rather led her up to committing suicide.
The fixes are easy and thanks for pointing out concrete things that need work.

Also thanks for all the grammar fixes, other smaller stuff that needs clarification and everything else. You made very good and helpful points.
Thank you very much! I'll get to it right away.

Quoted from khamanna Hi David. Thank you so much. And yes - I was worried about that killing Gabriel scene. An accident - why didn't I think of that. Thanks for telling me. I'll also start working on other logic issues such as his mother killing herself and Banu jumping to conclusions about Davood killing his mother and Samson. His mother decided Davood was a killer and couldn't take it. About Banu - I need to clarify here what she's trying to say - killing is not the best word. He rather led her up to committing suicide. The fixes are easy and thanks for pointing out concrete things that need work. Also thanks for all the grammar fixes, other smaller stuff that needs clarification and everything else. You made very good and helpful points. Thank you very much! I'll get to it right away.

Glad it was of help . Keep up the good work.