First of all, thank you all for your interest.

I'm not the one who's able to judge the feedback short after this intense journey, which was exhausting, so I hope that I don't come across unfriendly, and apologize for not answering directly; it needs to sink.


What astonishes me all along, is Chris and Sandra.

From you Sandra about the description of Evelyn's place, page one: But besides any of that, does it matter to the story and or character? If it doesn't, don't bother with much detail in that regard.

Yes. It's essential, because the living situation of the character reveals her behavior disorder that is connected to her deepest inner fears. It's pure characterization.

Why do you question the descriptions upfront?

I don't get it. It's just wrong. It's wrong.

Then you, Chris (no bad feelings), again try to read so much into the script word by word, which is just odd.

The dialogue: 'Mrs Munz. It's Mrs Munz. I must open the door for her.'

gets a "show, don't tell" from you.

And it's just wrong. I established her as a catatonic person, full of insecurities, who repeat their words loud to reassure herself. The door – outside – means a lot to her. The door is the door.

And to give that sensible person of Evelyn a voice, I emphasized the "Gooooddd. You stupid."

And as Frank noticed of course, it is God not good, here.

It's clear from the situation, there's nothing to call in question.

I'd never stay on two pages for so long. It's just disrespectful.

And the knob at the door is not the doorknob. The knob is especially for the bolts, but read into it what you like.


There's just argument to await. Really it makes no sense.

There's clearly a language barrier between us. I'm simply trying to help you improve your English. And nowhere in the first two pages is there anything to do with catatonia. In fact, there's no mention of it at all until page 70, and it's the only instance. Normally, a line like

"Mrs Munz. It's Mrs Munz. I must open the door for her"

Sounds unnaturally on-the-nose and wouldn't appear in a script aimed at an American audience, except in special circumstances like yours here. If any of these characters were catatonic, you should have told us as soon as they were introduced, not 70 pages after the fact... unless you're doing a surprise reveal, such as identifying a mystery character or "I am your father." I'm not saying this to be rude. I'm saying this to be helpful. I want to help you help me. Your producers/actors/directors are going to ask the same questions I am.

I Googled "bolt knob" and all I see are rifles. Still not quite sure what you mean. If you could please provide me with picture references like you did before, that would be wonderful. Help me help you.

And please don't get too hung up on my having only read two pages so far. People have lives. With that said, onto page 3.

For the uninitiated, according to Wikipedia:

"An incident ray is a ray of light that strikes a surface. The angle between this ray and the perpendicular or normal to the surface is the angle of incidence. The reflected ray corresponding to a given incident ray, is the ray that represents the light reflected by the surface."

So it's not a typo of incandescent ray. Learned something new.

"Appear" is more of a visual word and less auditory. Sounds don't "appear." I would replace the word with "emerge."

Is "The Head of a Wolf" the name of the painting or is it the actual head of a wolf? Your producer needs to know this.

Quoted Text A short breath [from] Evelyn

Okay, that explains the wolf.

Your English improves on page 3. Excellent job.

His pupils are his eyes, right? Or his students? I'm assuming the former.

Quoted Text DIFFERENT TIMELINES FOLLOW ( not indicated in headings )

Be careful with this. You could easily confuse, and therefore lose, a reader or potential producer. Remember, Connery turned down Gandalf because he didn't understand the script.

Quoted Text where it rest(s) a second

I'd love to see that shot of the POV tears. Quite inventive.

Quoted Text with an odd fur covering [the] back of [his] head

I imagine English is not an easy second language to learn. Ironic because it's an easy first language to learn. "His back of the head" makes it sounds like he and someone else own two backs of one head, which obviously makes no sense. Word order matters. English is weird like that. Is a man with a mustache walking or is a man walking with a mustache?

For the uninitiated, this is an atelier (and this is how to spell it):



I would have waited to cap Giuseppe until you first introduced the man.

Quoted Text So, this is the most holy place of the unholy genius.

I love this line. :cool:

Quoted Text I like your ambitions.

And this one, too.

"One-way" should be hyphenated.

When you capitalized The View, I thought you might be referring to the ABC talk show. Wouldn't that be a sight?

Not sure if you used BACK TO SCENE correctly, but I understand your intention.

Just to confirm, that's "beside," right? Not "bedside"?

That hypnosis thing reminds me of the Sunken Place from Get Out. It'll make a great visual.

Quoted Text And, you may see yourself in a forest, with fallen leaves, meadows, and trees, beautiful green nature.

And you may ask yourself... well... How did I get here?
Letting the days go by...

Quoted Text EXT. WOODLAND - DAY (EVELYN'S HYPNOSIS)

This actually belongs at the top of the next page, not the end of the current page. What program are you using?

So Evelyn is watching her younger self, correct?

Quoted Text How far [away] is he away now?

As above, word order matters.

No need to repeat yourself. I would have saved it for the confrontation. More impactful.

The wolf mask or Jim Carrey's The Mask?

Quoted Text This is no artwork.

Another great line. Reminds me of Loomis's "This isn't a man..." in Halloween.

Top of page 22. Pretty good read so far. I'm gonna call it a night. Excellent job.