SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 7:19pm
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  Where Did He Touch You? - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 3 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Where Did He Touch You? - WT  (currently 1502 views)
Don
Posted: June 3rd, 2019, 11:08pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Where Did He Touch You? by Santa Claus - Rick and Mandy are worried about their son Tommy not speaking.  They seek professional advice but don't receive the kind of answers they were expecting. 5 pages - Short, Horror, Comedy


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  June 4th, 2019, 10:30am
my bad - fixed genre.
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
Warren
Posted: June 3rd, 2019, 11:28pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
First cab off the rank.

Hi writer,

This was listed as horror only, that worried me right out the gate. After reading the short, I'm not sure what the horror element is, I mean I get the story, the relationship between Tommy and Billy but I'm not sure its horror. A horrific thing but not horror.

The bigger issue for me is the lack of a second genre.

The writing is pretty good, nothing too flash, but gets the point across clearly.

I think it's a smart idea that should be expanded upon after the tournament. For me it doesn't quite work in the five pages and the lack of two distinguishable genres is an issue for me.

All the best.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 21
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 1:05am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3382
Posts Per Day
0.63
Played out like a straight drama with a comedic stinger at the end.

I think I know what happened here, and whom it happened to...you started the script thinking any genre was allowed. It just didn't really work for the contest, it had a nice flow, though.

Revision History (1 edits)
Scar Tissue Films  -  June 4th, 2019, 1:19am
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 21
Hank
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 6:57am Report to Moderator
Guest User



pg. 2 - To me it seems disingenuous that Mandy would be in denial of her son being touched, and she should seem more worried for her son’s health.
pg. 2 - “This time, let’s not say random thoughts” not sure what this means exactly.
pg. 4 - I think the segue into the flashback could be handled better, seems too abrupt currently.
pg. 5 - The ending also ends much too abruptly, and does not resolve most of what is described beforehand.

The opening and use of bobblehead was creepy, though the rest of the script failed to scare me, and it was missing a second genre.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 3 - 21
LC
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 8:38am Report to Moderator
Administrator



Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
7581
Posts Per Day
1.34
No fusion of genre here.
Read like straight drama imho.

He’s vein.
Should be: vain.

I'm sorry, this just didn't gel for me.
The Bobblehead is not really intrinsic to plot.

Perhaps redraft so the Bobblehead is the Imaginary friend i.e. he hears it speak, won't go anywhere without it etc.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 4 - 21
Gary in Houston
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 9:07am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Texas
Posts
1306
Posts Per Day
0.32
So Tommy has an imaginary friend who tells him not to speak?  Why would that be? And why does that keep Tommy from talking, period?  The imaginary friend said they agreed Tommy wouldn’t talk about him, not talk at all.

I thought maybe Mandy was the one with issues. She wants to figure out what’s wrong with her son but has problems with each doctor they go to.  Rick seems like the only normal one in the bunch.

The writing was fine, it was a fairly straightforward drama.  I didn’t sense a second genre here. Overall okay for me.

Best of luck,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 21
Philostrate
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 1:26pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
341
Posts Per Day
0.15
Hi Writer,

First of the bunch...

Okay, no fusion genre here. Mostly drama with some comedic touches here and there. No sign of horror thought, except for the creepiness of the theme itself.

I'm not sure who the main character is, but I'll go with Mandy. If so, I'd suggest beginning with a conversation between her and Rick so that she insists on him to take his son to a specialist. This way you can do a small character arc later where she grows tired of doctors and finally decides to accept his son’s behavior. The flashback will be the cherry on top.

Overall, I found the story interesting, the writing is good and is easy to film so kudos for that. Even without major changes, I can see this one picked up if you punch up the ending a little.

Good job,
David


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 21
ReneC
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 1:51pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Vancouver, BC
Posts
1435
Posts Per Day
0.31
I'm confused. Tommy has a flashback to his room and his imaginary friend, which means it happened in the past and is supposed to reveal the reason why he isn't speaking. But so what? How is that interesting? Is the imaginary friend real and that's the secret? There's no way to tell.

Mandy is the more interesting story, but it isn't written as her story. It would be better as a vehicle for her and her inability to accept anything might be wrong with her child. If anything, Rick should be working hard to convince her otherwise.

The title was misleading, it has no bearing on the story. The lack of any acceptable genre, let alone the fusion of two, hurts this for the criteria section.

Typos aside, the writing is decent and the dialogue is okay but too long. Your strongest element is character, well done there.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 7 - 21
stevie
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 7:55pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Down Under
Posts
3441
Posts Per Day
0.61
Sorry this is totally lost on me. No horror/comedy either. As Lib said its just straight drama.

I think the writer had a good idea in there but ran out of time implementing it.  Writing was ok just the sotry meandered a bit



Logged
Private Message Reply: 8 - 21
Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 4:44am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1770
Posts Per Day
0.89
Hello writer

The title reminded me of Warren's short about the teddy getting therapy - That short was hilarious and I thought this may have gone a similar (more horrific) route - Because of that, I think my expectations were too high going into it.

Can you bob head and shoulders at the same time? odd

A bit jarring that you introduce the Mandy character that far into the scene - do we not see that she is there before this?

Ok I read it - There isn't a story here, just stuff that happens, I fail to see the point of it.

Sorry to say but I got bored. The writing itself also needs work, it's not terrible, but you are not there yet.





Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 21
PKCardinal
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 11:37am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.63
I've been avoiding this one because of the title. But, here goes...

"from his desk that resembles himself" Uh, technically this sentence states that the he looks like a desk. A bit sloppy on the writing.

Okay... done reading.

What happened? I mean, there's no complete story here. A beginning, a middle and a FADE OUT.

I need more than "young boy's perplexing silence is explained by the presence of a friend who tells him not to talk." It has to have some reason/consequence.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 10 - 21
leitskev
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 4:28pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3113
Posts Per Day
0.64
notes as I read

RICK, 29, looks worried. Sits next to Tommy.

This is one of those ways that "teaching" screenwriting screws people up. I believe what the writer means is Rick is sitting next to Tommy. But he's been told that 'ing' words are a sin, so he uses sits. But the result is confusing. Do we see Rick at this moment sit down on the couch? If so, then the wording is correct. But I suspect it's the former.

End notes

I'm not seeing ANY comedy here. I know comedy is subjective, but I'm not saying whether it's funny or not, I'm saying I don't see humor attempted. Actually, not really seeing horror either. Nor much reason for the bobblehead.

So, he has an imaginary friend that tells him not to talk. For this reason he's brought to aa shrink. My guess is having the first shrink try to get him to "touch" the bobblehead inappropriately is the attempt at humor? That doesn't play too well with a 3 year old.

I'm sorry I can't be more constructive. Have heart, we all struggled this round.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 11 - 21
Warren
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 7:24pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36

Quoted from Matthew Taylor
Hello writer

The title reminded me of Warren's short about the teddy getting therapy - That short was hilarious




Thanks, mate. It's one of my all-time favourite scripts that I’ve written.

Hijack over... carry on  


Logged
Private Message Reply: 12 - 21
khamanna
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 11:33pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
Hi,

This one raised questions but provided no answers to them. Like why the child has an imaginary friend and plays with him that game.
Why are his parents worried as he's only three.
Why the psychaitrists are this strange way.

The story doesn't add up to me.

You could give your characters some motivation. And cut on dialog I guess. Make characters have a purspose.

As it is the story doesn't add up for me.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 13 - 21
SAC
Posted: June 6th, 2019, 9:54am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


… but some dreams do

Location
Upstate NY
Posts
3201
Posts Per Day
0.79
Writer,

Had some logic issues with this. Not sure why the doctor, I don’t care how vein he is or otherwise, would believe just because a child isn’t speaking means he had to be touched inappropriately. Doesn’t add up. Unless the doctor was a pedophile or something. Still, there’s no inclination that the doctor had these issues. Then the end. Imaginary friend.  It’s all kind of pieced together with no rhyme or reason.

Steve


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 21
 Pages: 1, 2 » : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The 2019 Writers' Tournament   [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006