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Where Did He Touch You? by Santa Claus - Rick and Mandy are worried about their son Tommy not speaking. They seek professional advice but don't receive the kind of answers they were expecting. 5 pages - Short, Horror, Comedy
This was listed as horror only, that worried me right out the gate. After reading the short, I'm not sure what the horror element is, I mean I get the story, the relationship between Tommy and Billy but I'm not sure its horror. A horrific thing but not horror.
The bigger issue for me is the lack of a second genre.
The writing is pretty good, nothing too flash, but gets the point across clearly.
I think it's a smart idea that should be expanded upon after the tournament. For me it doesn't quite work in the five pages and the lack of two distinguishable genres is an issue for me.
Played out like a straight drama with a comedic stinger at the end.
I think I know what happened here, and whom it happened to...you started the script thinking any genre was allowed. It just didn't really work for the contest, it had a nice flow, though.
pg. 2 - To me it seems disingenuous that Mandy would be in denial of her son being touched, and she should seem more worried for her son’s health. pg. 2 - “This time, let’s not say random thoughts” not sure what this means exactly. pg. 4 - I think the segue into the flashback could be handled better, seems too abrupt currently. pg. 5 - The ending also ends much too abruptly, and does not resolve most of what is described beforehand.
The opening and use of bobblehead was creepy, though the rest of the script failed to scare me, and it was missing a second genre.
So Tommy has an imaginary friend who tells him not to speak? Why would that be? And why does that keep Tommy from talking, period? The imaginary friend said they agreed Tommy wouldn’t talk about him, not talk at all.
I thought maybe Mandy was the one with issues. She wants to figure out what’s wrong with her son but has problems with each doctor they go to. Rick seems like the only normal one in the bunch.
The writing was fine, it was a fairly straightforward drama. I didn’t sense a second genre here. Overall okay for me.
Best of luck, Gary
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
Okay, no fusion genre here. Mostly drama with some comedic touches here and there. No sign of horror thought, except for the creepiness of the theme itself.
I'm not sure who the main character is, but I'll go with Mandy. If so, I'd suggest beginning with a conversation between her and Rick so that she insists on him to take his son to a specialist. This way you can do a small character arc later where she grows tired of doctors and finally decides to accept his son’s behavior. The flashback will be the cherry on top.
Overall, I found the story interesting, the writing is good and is easy to film so kudos for that. Even without major changes, I can see this one picked up if you punch up the ending a little.
I'm confused. Tommy has a flashback to his room and his imaginary friend, which means it happened in the past and is supposed to reveal the reason why he isn't speaking. But so what? How is that interesting? Is the imaginary friend real and that's the secret? There's no way to tell.
Mandy is the more interesting story, but it isn't written as her story. It would be better as a vehicle for her and her inability to accept anything might be wrong with her child. If anything, Rick should be working hard to convince her otherwise.
The title was misleading, it has no bearing on the story. The lack of any acceptable genre, let alone the fusion of two, hurts this for the criteria section.
Typos aside, the writing is decent and the dialogue is okay but too long. Your strongest element is character, well done there.
The title reminded me of Warren's short about the teddy getting therapy - That short was hilarious and I thought this may have gone a similar (more horrific) route - Because of that, I think my expectations were too high going into it.
Can you bob head and shoulders at the same time? odd
A bit jarring that you introduce the Mandy character that far into the scene - do we not see that she is there before this?
Ok I read it - There isn't a story here, just stuff that happens, I fail to see the point of it.
Sorry to say but I got bored. The writing itself also needs work, it's not terrible, but you are not there yet.
I've been avoiding this one because of the title. But, here goes...
"from his desk that resembles himself" Uh, technically this sentence states that the he looks like a desk. A bit sloppy on the writing.
Okay... done reading.
What happened? I mean, there's no complete story here. A beginning, a middle and a FADE OUT.
I need more than "young boy's perplexing silence is explained by the presence of a friend who tells him not to talk." It has to have some reason/consequence.
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This is one of those ways that "teaching" screenwriting screws people up. I believe what the writer means is Rick is sitting next to Tommy. But he's been told that 'ing' words are a sin, so he uses sits. But the result is confusing. Do we see Rick at this moment sit down on the couch? If so, then the wording is correct. But I suspect it's the former.
End notes
I'm not seeing ANY comedy here. I know comedy is subjective, but I'm not saying whether it's funny or not, I'm saying I don't see humor attempted. Actually, not really seeing horror either. Nor much reason for the bobblehead.
So, he has an imaginary friend that tells him not to talk. For this reason he's brought to aa shrink. My guess is having the first shrink try to get him to "touch" the bobblehead inappropriately is the attempt at humor? That doesn't play too well with a 3 year old.
I'm sorry I can't be more constructive. Have heart, we all struggled this round.
This one raised questions but provided no answers to them. Like why the child has an imaginary friend and plays with him that game. Why are his parents worried as he's only three. Why the psychaitrists are this strange way.
The story doesn't add up to me.
You could give your characters some motivation. And cut on dialog I guess. Make characters have a purspose.
Had some logic issues with this. Not sure why the doctor, I don’t care how vein he is or otherwise, would believe just because a child isn’t speaking means he had to be touched inappropriately. Doesn’t add up. Unless the doctor was a pedophile or something. Still, there’s no inclination that the doctor had these issues. Then the end. Imaginary friend. It’s all kind of pieced together with no rhyme or reason.