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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  Where Did He Touch You? - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Where Did He Touch You? - WT  (currently 1503 views)
Spqr
Posted: June 6th, 2019, 11:46am Report to Moderator
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Good story, and interesting that the parents really didn't want to know the truth of what happened to their kid. Though it was humorous, I couldn't detect any element of horror.
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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 6th, 2019, 2:42pm Report to Moderator
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Where Did He Touch You?

p2 could 've had a little more physicality, movement to spice up the picture during the talk.

I was on board here. I liked it.



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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 6th, 2019, 4:40pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, so not seeing genre fusion.

Feels more drama with a few barbed lines thrown in.

Writing was good though, well paced and readable.

Liked the way the exiting from the Drs office was replicated.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 6th, 2019, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
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Love the generic opening Slug.

Really like the 1st passage ending in a completely unnecessary orphan.

Really poorly done how Rick and Mandy just seem to appear in the scene.

"It’s okay Mr Hunter I understand." - How many things are wrong in this 6 word dialogue?  There 3 obvious mistakes, and I'd even say 4, as "Mr" should end in a period, like it actually does (yeah, some will argue that it should actually be spelled out, but I don't agree with that).

You're missing 2 commas here, in front of and after "Mr. Hunter".  What else could possibly be wrong, that no one else will see?  It's the fact that you used "Mr. Hunter", but you didn't intro Rick as RICK HUNTER.

Make sense?

Opening Slug on top of Page 2 isn't properly formatted - no commas in Slugs, use -.  And, again, since you're now using the family's last name in Slugs, you need to intro them with first and last name immediately.

Page 3 - Another problematic Slug - what's wrong here?  Well...it's identical to your opening Slug, but it's not the same location, which is a classic example of why I always stress to be exact and descriptive with your Slugs.

Flashback is incorrect as formatted - start with BEGIN FLASHBACK, then on a new line, put your Slug and when you're all done, on its own line, END FLASHBACK

The end. Oh boy...

Story - nonexistent
Characters - cliche
Dialogue - nothing good
Prose - pretty poor
Criteria - no horror, no comedy, and very weak use of bobbleheads.


Revision History (1 edits)
Dreamscale  -  June 12th, 2019, 12:54pm
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Zack
Posted: June 6th, 2019, 10:44pm Report to Moderator
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This one is kind of odd, but not really in a good way.

The way you introduced the characters was confusing, and most of the action was kinda bland IMO.. I just couldn't picture this one visually in my head.

The story didn't really click with me. Nothing made me laugh, and I see absolutely no horror. But you nailed the psychiatrist's office. The bobblehead less so.

Not a terrible effort. Better luck next round.
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DustinBowcot
Posted: June 7th, 2019, 3:30am Report to Moderator
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It's 'vain'... fuck!

The Mr, Dr... thing... this is fine not to have a period or full stop as we call them here. There's a company I work for that check over my scripts and when they come back to me there's always a red line under where I've left the full stop (period) off Mr and Dr et al. I correct everything else but I always send the next draft back without adding the full stops. Here in the UK, it is becoming the norm not to use them... and this will soon spread around the world. Our language and the way we use and write it is constantly evolving.

Those full stops can sometimes get a little messy... like take this example here:

"British usage favours omitting the full stop in abbreviations which include the first and last letters of a single word, such as Mr, Mrs, Ms, Dr and St; American usage prefers (A) Mr., Mrs., Ms., Dr. and St., with full stops."

Notice how the comma after the full stop looks really messy? That's why.

The main thing to consider, whether you follow current trends or not, is consistency. Either you're using them or you're not. It is only incorrect when a mixture of both is used.


Everyone believes the kid is being abused, even the parents to a certain degree. When, really, he just has an invisible friend. It's not told very well. I think that's the issue. I see your point... probably a difficult one to work.
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JEStaats
Posted: June 7th, 2019, 1:42pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Where was the horror and comedy? Things just didn't add up here, making it a non-story for me. Not sure where the arc was supposed to go and why did she say 'Bitch' at the end?

Not for me. And if having a bobblehead is standard practice for shrinks nowadays, I think I'll save some $$. The husband/father has more patience and tolerance than me.
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