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Not a bad script. You have the two genres, the place, and the object, although the comedy didn't quite land for me. I can see the attempts though.
The writing is great, one of SS's better writers I'd say. The dialogue is quite natural as well.
Story wise, it was okay.
I remember this in the last Writer's tournament, people stopped using FADE IN and FADE OUT to fit more story in. I don't necessarily think there is anything wrong with it, I personally like them, but I will be interested to see if it's a common occurrence again and if it's your usual writing style.
A couple of things made me chuckle... can't remember what they were now, but that's probably my fault as I'm back on the joints today. Pink skins! This all went south at the end - forgive the pun. In a horror comedy, you're meant to mash the genres together seamlessly, not have one stuck on the end of the other. Doesn't work for me. The comedy worked. The horror worked. But the twain together, do not.
It is my opinion, that horror in a comedy should still be funny. That's why this didn't work for me.
pg. 1 - description of office, Benjamin, and Melanie are excellent. Except instead of ‘gesticulates’, which made me scratch my head for a few seconds, I would simply put ‘gestures’. pg. 1 - “Cling-film answer” this also confused me at first. I think “Shrink-wrap answer”, would be easily understandable by all and make this joke funnier. pg. 3 - ‘Benjamin shakes the doll’s body… Nothing’, this didn’t make sense to me because normally when you shake a bobblehead’s body the head shakes also. pg. 4 - “Genuinely, stop.” this sounds awkward to me. Instead maybe try something like: “Stop. I’m serious.” pg. 5 - The ending was my favourite part. Very cool, violent moment in the script. I would not include the continuous head-bashing, that may look a little too silly. Instead I would end it on a scarier note with maybe a creepy line of dialogue from Melanie after the doctor is first struck and while he is screaming.
I enjoyed this, it was definitely a horror/comedy, though much of the humour I thought felt flat. I thought some lines of dialogue could be improved, and more could be added to make this funnier.
Wow if I wrote something like that it would fit in two pages. Nice work, easy to read simple story that makes sense. Its actually horrific and fun and the last bit is particularly funny to me for some reason. Good work writer
First one I've read. Not bad. The writing is solid, easy to follow. The dialog isn't awful, but it's not particularly funny. And I didn't get any sort of horror vibe from this.
This seems like a 2 pager that's been stretched to 5 pages. There just isn't a lot of story here.
I love the premise of the 3D printer replica Bobblehead doll.
Some flow problems with the dialogue imh. Really though, stop. Genuinely, stop.
The ensuing story didn't quite grab me. A bit repetitive with her recounting her plight and getting nowhere with the doc, and the horror just seemed tacked onto the end. A promising idea that you should redraft without time constraints.
P.S. Crows-nest hair? Do you mean beehive hairdo or even just big hair?
This therapist seems very antagonistic towards his patient - constantly calling it a doll when she has told him not to - Maybe it's part of the therapy, I don't know I haven't had therapy - it just seems like he is purposely trying to wind her up.
Expertly written, easy to read and follow.
But for me, a bit too slow to get to where it was going - the build up to the horror/danger didn't quite work for me as it got a bit repetative without heightening - the "she doesn't like it" kept coming up but didn't move up to the next level - if that makes sense - then, the jump between that and killing the doc felt too great a leap.
More of a transition of genre than a fusion - as in, the comedy in the begining, horror at the end (I'm not going to mark you down for it, i'm just saying)
Anyway, the comedy worked for me - the horror also worked for me (creepy as hell), but I think the build up to the horror could have got me there better
Top work, will get some of the highest marks I think.
I wasn't a big fan of the whole but it certainly felt you actually fought to get it done and make it as good as it could be.
It seems you just didn't find a more captivating scenario in this short timeframe we had. However a very cool ending has given some spice to it. The dialogue felt a little monotonous. A solid work. Keep going.
This is a silly thing... but, I'd rather you cut some of the repetition in the middle and give a FADE OUT. Yes, it's a personal thing... but, I feel... incomplete. Like... where's my FADE OUT? Or, is there a page missing?
Anyway, it's a bit straight line. Two people talking. Is there a way to tell this same story more actively? Because, the idea of her cutting herself and accidentally printing a 3D doll (sorry) that comes to life is a pretty good one.
All in all, a strong effort by a good writer.
PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
For me this was light on comedy. The horror I suppose was horrific. It's strange how the story goes from Mel not liking the bobblehead's head flicked to her doing it herself to herself. If anything she should have had an orgasm when he flicked her head. Wasn't consistent for me.
I'm not sure that I like the explanation of Chucky to explain away this story in the making. It's like saying copycat but I'm different.
I felt like I was missing the ending on this one. So The ending is Mel crushing Benjamin’s head in by flicking Mel B’s head? Just because he disagrees with her that Mel B is a doll?
My thought on that is you’ve made Mel an unsympathetic character and we’re essentially forced to root for the doctor. I don’t think that was your intention, so I would go for a different ending, like he turns to flick the dolls head, but now the doll is on his shoulder and banging him int the head - but not because Mel is doing anything.
Agree with some others, need to cut this some and get the fat taken out of it. The writing isn’t bad, just too much of it. Also need to ratchet up the humor here. Not so much of that on display as it currently stands.
Best of luck, Gary
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned