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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  Head Space - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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ReneC
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 2:15pm Report to Moderator
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One of the more interesting ones, and the bobblehead was the story, so good job there.

I felt the ending came out of left field a bit. It wasn't set up well enough. Instead of just "Really though, stop" and "Genuinely, stop", Mel should have been getting much angrier and threatening. A pot about to boil over. And instead of smiling at him before bashing his head in, she should be screaming, fed up with not being believed. She should draw that bobblehead back until the spring is stretched and we should anticipate what is about to happen. Then the ending would have impact, pun intended.

I say that because I love the visual of Mel's head bobbing back and forth like a jackhammer as it smashes the doc to death. To make me love it even more, make him deserve it. Maybe he experiments by tapping the bobblehead and seeing what happens, or trying to catch Mel faking it, much to her annoyance. Make him be a jerk about it, intentionally or not. Make us want his face smashed in. Do that, and I'll cheer enthusiastically for Mel when it happens.

You can cut the Child's Play stuff, it just bogs things down. Plus, rights issues.

Great writing, great visuals. Very well done.


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leitskev
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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Good writing. Story doesn't move the needle for me. I'll score it reasonably well based on the solid writing.

Not a bad idea that she thinks her blood has caused the doll replica to become infused with her spirit. But the story doesn't really do anything interesting with that premise. Or really anything interesting. The solid writing makes it an EASY read...but there are really no elements in the story that kindle any interest.

While the humor dind't move me, I do recognize the attempt. It absolutely hit comedy.

But horror? There was no tone of menace, no hint of horror until the last quarter page where she head butts him into a pulp. I have the most expansive possible notion of what horror is, but I have a hard time considering this horror.

Anyway, average scores, good luck in the next round! I suspect you're capable of hitting one out of the park!
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Spqr
Posted: June 6th, 2019, 11:54am Report to Moderator
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Mel's character was good, but Benjamin seemed to exist only to receive her punishment. And why is Mel here in the first place? She doesn't seem the type to voluntarily seek therapy. If her presence here was court-mandated, then would Benjamin treat the doll so cavalierly, knowing that Mel wouldn't react well to it?
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 7th, 2019, 10:58am Report to Moderator
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How many of these have started out with the oh so generic Slug, "INT. PSYCHIATRIST OFFICE"?  So simple to make the Slug unique by changing it to "INT. DR. PATERS' OFFICE".

And once again, we don't have actual ages.

I read this and then read the reviews, and I'm rather shocked at all the praise for being so well written and such a strong entry.  I don't get any of that.

There's really no comedy and no horror here...well, until the last few passages, but that in itself, is not horror, it's just poorly executed violence that would never play out like that.

All in all, we have a talking heads script that goes on way too long and brings nothing interesting to the table.

I don't see anything remotely funny.  I had to look up Cling Film, but I still don't see any humor.  I actually skimmed over it again, and just don't see any attempts at humor even.

The end "horror" element is poorly done.  As Doc turns, we're to believe Mel was able to move right net to him, and he didn't realize it?  We're to believe that 1 headbutt smashes his nose and brakes his glasses into his corneas?  Damn.  No.

Story - almost none
Characters - weak
Dialogue - nothing great
Prose - OK, but nothing great by any means
Criteria - No comedy that I can see.  I really don't see any attempts even.
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JEStaats
Posted: June 7th, 2019, 2:45pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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This had its moments but then it just ended. I thought a page was missing but the limit was met. A bit drawn out with definitely a high level of goofiness here and it entertained. It seemed that the Doc was purposely provoking her, which wouldn't be too cool.

Decent job. Met the challenge? I've got to dwell on that one.
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