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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  Melt - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Melt - WT  (currently 1780 views)
PrussianMosby
Posted: June 6th, 2019, 2:43pm Report to Moderator
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Melt

Fancy title page is going to cost you one point on the writing side from the go

p1 oh, this reads out of touch novelistic

The whole story felt just overblown. Sorry, not the kind of story presentation I can enjoy.



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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 6th, 2019, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
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Really enjoyed this one.

I think the flasback scene was a little over written, read a tad like prose... but it didn't spoil my enjoyment or appreciation.

Loved the end image too.

Good job


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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JEStaats
Posted: June 7th, 2019, 11:36am Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Title page is not the place to get cutesy with font.

Wow, with all that introductory detail, you forgot to introduce FRANCIS except for on paper. I didn't know he was there.

Who's Professor Moorehead? He's not introduced either. Oh, Francis is a professor too? Wait, I gotta look up Alsatian... oh, German Shepard.

The Nodder? WTF. Wow, pg. 3 and I'm out. It's taking too much effort to read. Sorry.
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JEStaats
Posted: June 7th, 2019, 11:51am Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Okay, this is a first for me. Read over the comments and most peeps seems to really like this so I'll try to read it to the end....

Nope. Too much detail in all the wrong places for me. Just not my bag.
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Philostrate
Posted: June 7th, 2019, 6:31pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

I enjoyed this one. A little over-written, but the atmosphere and the visuals were pretty good.

The idea of transference was cool, but it lost power due to the constraints of the challenge.

I think that you did a good job with the fusion of genres, and the script ticked all the boxes for the parameters.

Lose the bobble-head, tighten a little the writing, and you'll have a good short.

Well done,
David


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