A Head Full of Lightning by H. Traverse - Dr. Quinlan has treated many unusual cases over the years, but never one who kept her husband in a purse. 5 pages - Short, Comedy, Horror

I see the comedy although not my kind of humour.  It’s a nice idea to treat the bobblehead as the husband.  The direction you chose with the girlfriends and sexual tone to me wasn’t the right move.  I see you used it for the comedy aspect.  Once this WT is over, if you chose to rewrite, take the comedy out and focus on the horror, this could be good.

Hi writer,

Pretty good writing on display, and a interesting idea to boot. The tone felt a bit all over the place and the jokes didn't work for me.

Its also quite a talking-heads script which if filmed may not make for the most exciting viewing.

I do think the core idea is worth pursuing though. The bobblehead doll as a husband works well. Get rid of the comedy and Nazi stuff.

All the best.

What exactly does the title mean?  Is it a reference to the Nazi SS lightning symbol?

I felt like this one was trying just a little too hard with the Nazi and sex jokes. Some were okay but most just fell flat for me.

Why attack this doctor? Just because Julie recommended her?  It can’t be because she was Jewish, since Clara said at the end she didn’t know.

What’s the second genre here?  I don’t see either horror or action.

The story is fine, an interesting choice you made with the doll, so good job there. I just think the jokes bring this down a tad.

Best of luck,
Gary

Hello writer

quite a few of these entries are becoming a bit samey - Crazy person visits Doc, crazy person kills doc. This one failed to stand out from the rest of them, a basic formula with nothing more - after reading it I feel a bit meh.

I get horror doesn't require a lot of explaining, but this needs something more - Don't get me wrong, it's a good base layer for something, just needs the toppings.

No qualms with the writing, didn't stumble - obviously someone comftable with the craft.

I couldn't find anything humurous, no real attempt - more creepy and disturbing.

This one was disappointing. Lacks effort.

I just didn't click with this one. I was amused at the concept of a woman absolutely certain that a bobble head is her husband, but things went in an unfortunate direction.

I've made the choice to be pretty lenient about the "fusion" thing, but this just doesn't fulfill the "horror" of "comedy, horror" to my satisfaction.

Lackluster but not bad.

This one, unfortunately, didn't work for me.

Early action blocks are overwritten. For example, the entire second action block could be reduced to "They sit." The type of chair is unimportant. The table between them is filled with stuff that you can cover in the next action block line. "Quinlan uncaps a fountain pen, picks up a notebook." And, the window/garden are irrelevant to the story.

Not a thing changes if you reduce it to "They sit."

The humor never hit for me. I realize humor is subjective, but, it needs to flow naturally. And, the sex jokes and nazi jokes just seem to come out of nowhere.

I liked the base idea of a woman "married" to a bobblehead. There's definitely a foundation to work from there.

This came across as really weird and unsettling.

It's very troubling territory. The opening part was light in tone and very funny, then it went into some super dark psychological trauma that was disturbing to read. A million miles away from comedy.

Either stick with the opening premise as a comedy, the Bobble head husband.

Or go with the dark, troubling psychological trauma of the second part without the comedic opening.


Like 90% of the scripts this time around, there are two stories here. Not one.  

Strong writing that's lost on something too ambitious for five pages. While there is a good amount of subtext, it's just a Q&A. Nothing really happens until the over-the-top ending.

Quinlan is way too intuitive to be believable. She keeps latching onto exactly the right question to keep the story unfolding without much to go on at all.

Clara has clearly killed a few people already. Maybe even the girlfriend who referred her. She's easily triggered and leaving a trail of bodies behind her.

The title suggests she's doing it because she's been influenced by her husband, that she's a Nazi now, but that isn't her motivation at all. I don't know what her motivation is, really. She just is, and woe to any woman who crosses her path. That would be more interesting if it were the doctor's story, but you made it Clara's story, and there isn't much to it.

Writing and characters are the strongest part of this. I didn't feel the comedy much, it felt forced. With more length this could be made to work better.

Hi Writer,

Quoted Text soto voce

*sotto

Interesting idea.

The writing is solid, you're a good writer, no doubt of that, but the story lacks.

Nothing happens until the very end and when it does, it doesn't feel earned.

Most of the humor didn't land for me, but I applaud the effort.

You ticked all the boxes, thought: genre fusion, bobblehead doll and the office.

Overall - a decent effort.

Good luck,
David

Well written and funny but when this shifted to Nazis and abuse etc... well it felt like a mis-step to me and it lost me at that point.

The idea of being married to the bobblehead wwas good though and I think there's more that could be done with this script.

Opening passage is most likely a sign of what's to follow - overwriting.  Let's see.

I should have been a psychic.  Sure enough, next passage is a bloated, overwritten 5 liner.  ARGH!  I hate being right all the time.  

Hmmm...another tough one to grade.

Here's a problem so many peeps just don't get.  You intro your characters as 40's and 20's.  Now, since we don't know anything about Dr. Quinlan, it doesn't matter if she's 40 or 49.  But Clara's a different situation.  20 and 29 are so far apart in terms of life, it's really crazy.  If Clara is 20, what is she doing to afford to see a Therapist?  If she really was married and killed her hubby, along with other women, as is alluded to, does 20 make any sense at all?  Give your characters appropriate ages for their situation and what they do and have done.

Story - not much, really, but few are at 5 pages.

Characters - Actually, I think you did well here.

Dialogue - Standard for the most, but quite unique in places.

Prose - hit and miss.  At times, great, at others, very weak.

Criteria - And here's the biggie...and it's not going to work here, as there wasn't any comedy here.  In fact, it's almost offensive at times, and although the horror is light until the kill, it definitely feels like a take no prisoners horror piece, but no fusion, no points.  Too bad, as this has some strength.  

Oy vey.

I'll keep the scores decent enough that a bounce back script next week will have you right back in it!

Quoted from leitskev Oy vey. I'll keep the scores decent enough that a bounce back script next week will have you right back in it!

What does that mean?  You don't score each script on its own merit, based on what we were given to score?

That's not good...