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I'm Being Watched by 48 Hrs. Writer - A man obsessed with conspiracy theories visits his psychiatrist to tell her that he's being watched by bobble-head dolls! 5 pages - Short, Comedy, Sci Fi
I really enjoyed this one, right until the page five reveal. I thought it was a fantastic setup, great writing, strong dialogue, but that ending really threw me and not in a good way. The comedy was nice and subtle, I thought, in the beginning, then page five just drives it too far.
One of the better ones so far. I'd personally like to see it reworked with a different ending.
I thought this one was okay. It had a good set up and pretty much ticked all the boxes.
I have a couple of thought. First, ditch the receptionist scene and just start right in the doctor’s office. Saves you half a page.
Second, I agree with Warren - that scene with the aliens, although clever, detracts from the rest of the script. I’d rather see something like Barry leaving the office and the doll turns to the doctor and say something like “he’s on to us.” Might have a better chance of getting this made as well without the alien scene.
First one to really merge two genres, so good job. Overall a good effort here.
Best of luck, Gary
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
Well, I was really enjoying it. Really really enjoying it until the last scene. What was it about? Aliens? No, the ending didn't work at all. Eh, why? Why??
I'd much rather just read and comment afterwards, but I can't here.
Opening scene is a complete waste, but that's not the worst thing going on right out of the gate.
You name your first character, "YOUNG RECEPCIONIST" - with Receptionist spelled incorrectly - you do this 5 times in the first half page! Using "young" in front is a total mistake, and it looks just redonkulous.
You write, "...types in a computer." - in a computer? No.
Later, you write, "...in a couch" - the use of in is just plain old incorrect.
"His look fixed on a Doctor’s bobblehead doll resting on a nearby desk." - Awkward and confusing.
On Page 1 alone, you've talked about character's eyes 4 times and referenced looking or glancing several times.
This is not a montage - it's a Flashback...or several Flashbacks.
Story - There is a story here, much of it told through a Flashback, and then the "reveal" at the end. The alien thing is pretty crazy, but not in a good way. It's a mistake, IMO.
Characters - Well, although cliche, for the most part, not terrible by any means. The aliens are funny, but again, their inclusion completely sinks this script.
Dialogue - Nothing memorable, other than those damned aliens.
Prose - Not great by any means, as pointed out above. Many awkward phrasings, odd little things, typos, misspellings, etc.
Criteria - Although the use of bobbleheads is very random and strange, it's also prevalent. Comedy is paper thin until the aliens pop up...as is the Sci Fi element. So, it's tough to really judge and score.
For e, i'll say the criteria was met, based on the final page, but I'm being generous and your score will most likely come out higher than it should, as this is not a very good script, by any means.
This genre fusion seems to take a good script and make it meh. I liked up until the attempts at humor, which just seemed out of place. If it could've stayed with just Sci-Fi, it would be a great little story.
The dialog was a bit stale but it had to tell the story in such limited page count. The characters were fitting but didn't really stand out as being unique.
That said, it's one of the better that I've read so far but I got a long way to go.
It's not bad at all, but to me the script feels a little smooth and safe with its flashback montage that explains the plot as a whole. Well, the criteria are certainly hit and the ironic tone also felt consistent. Then somehow it went along and … possibly it's the characters – and that I didn't really connect with anybody. For a little amusement I need some more. However it was truly okay, just felt so safe.
Wish you'd stuck with the paranoia and it did in fact turn out to be a Big Brother scenario with a twist, or a tech company spying and he's the only one savvy enough to have cottoned on amidst all the sheep.
That Montage is not btw. Should be a flashback. And a few odd phrasings e.g. Assholes, I shouldn’t have betted for them! Should be: on them And: show me the money (not in keeping with your Alien characters imh).
Wouldn't a receptionist at a shrink's be used to weirdos? His behavior would not be that weird there.
End notes
The writing is very, very solid. Part of the concept is very good: the idea that these dolls are spying on him.
The humor doesn't really hit me. I won't substract anything on the criteria for that, the tone and effort were clearly humor.
The sci fi was there: aliens. So this passes criteria.
It will score well with me in every area except story. It didn't really hit me as funny. Even the whole idea of the betting aliens...surely they can find more entertaining things to bet on.
But solid scores for a capable writer, on to the next round!
I'm not as thrown by the aliens as everyone else is. But, I do agree that playing it just a bit more straight would probably be more interesting. For example, it really is the government spying... and, we discover that Barry is valuable for some reason that even he doesn't know.
The use of the bobbleheads was great. I really like the core idea. With more work, and maybe a few more pages focused on the core "conspiracy", this could be a fun short.
I think a good rewrite is in order. It's a short worth more effort to get right.
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