Good story. Would have liked to see how the alien bobbles intend to defeat the humans. What kind of weapons do they have? Perhaps they should kill Barry at the end.

Hi Writer,

Good idea and setup, but it needs a little work.

The comedy is light, but kind of worked for me.

The ending wasn't terrible, but it came out of left field and didn't fit with the rest of the story.

I'd echo other people comments and say that you should rewrite it after the tournament with a different ending. It has potential.

A good effort, though.

David

Writer,

I've read a few now and this is my fav so far. It just seems more complete than the others. The comedy landed well, and the payoff was pretty good for something so short. Good job!

Steve

Barry takes his Panama hat out of where? Exits to where? I first took it as he left the office.

Would a receptionist in a psychiatrist's office call a patient weirdo? Seems to me she would have seen all kinds of people come through there.

The writer uses weird wordings IMHO, but I'm no English expert, so this is not a correction, just thoughts as I read since it jumps out at me. She types "in" a computer. He sits "in" a couch. I would use on in both cases. A British thing?

Since it appears that Barry has seen the Doc before and she's aware of his bobblehead doll issues, it seems to me that she would either hide the doll before her session with Barry or she left it out on purpose. Very unprofessional of her to leave it out by accident, IMO.

There's nothing to be afraid "of"...

I don't know what the page constraints are for this WT, but I would've liked to see a little more from the psych session. The Doc digging a little deeper into Barry's mind.

Final thoughts:

Bobbleheads were part of story. Check.

Fusion of genres. Drama - sci-fi? Could be comedy - sci-fi, but if so, it didn't quite hit the mark. I'd like to think you went for drama - sci-fi. Check.

The story was fine. Has potential to be something bigger. It was coherent and I had no problem following it.

Good job.  

I was on board for this one until the last scene as well. It turned what was a pretty good entry into a joke. I guess that was supposed to be the comedy in it. It isn't funny to me, but it is there, so technically you meet the criteria but it's a total genre switch just for the challenge.

I will give you props for giving a female character a good intro. Otherwise character is hit and miss with some unrealistic traits from the doctor and the unprofessionalism of the receptionist. Barry is okay but flat, and I didn't care for the aliens at all. Kang and Kodos from the Simpsons would have been better than the Beevis and Butthead we got here.

The writing mistakes aside, it's visual and the pace is good. Not a bad entry, and it could be a good short outside of the challenge if you change the ending.