Bobblelution by Vince Whirlwind - A young lady's visit to a psychiatrist becomes a life changing experience.  5 pages - Short, Action, Comedy

Hi writer,

Quoted Text WENDY(O.S) Ms Davis is here for her ten a.m appointment, Doctor.

An intercom would be V.O. as opposed to O.S.

Every female is a hot blonde, maybe try mix it up and don't make it completely obvious you're a male writer  

The logic of this is completely lost on me. If the stranger is there for an appointment why doesn't the doctor recognise him? He alludes to the fact that he has seen the doctor before.

Sorry but I don't even know how best to comment on this one, it was chaotic?

Not for me.

All the best

Bobbleution

I like it since I welcome a fair amount of stupidity in the com-sector. Really bonkers. Only minus is that I personally don't like when (scripts deal with trademarks and rights that are set in concrete -- yeah I see a commentators opinion it may fall under parody, which seems correct I guess and it, however, wouldn't have taken an impact on my scoring)- not that I'll hold this against you though.

Pretty good. Perhaps there are too many beats in act 3 but you seemed to have had too much fun to bring it to an end, and, so no problem here either. Goofy fun.

I don't know.

From my perspective, professional comedies tend to be based around a situation that's dealt with humorously, but seriously. Amateur comedies seem to take a serious situation, then just make them completely surrealist. They're just devoid of meaning, pathos, theme, and sense. Often creative, but just completely madcap.

Like I say, I don't know. Comedy is the hardest genre. It's drama taken to perfection, with added precision timing and a need for genius level creativity with physical actions rolling from one comedy moment to the next.

At this particular point in time, I am of the opinion that writing a comedy story is essentially impossible. So credit for trying.

Hello writer

This was all a bit too nonsensical for me - Not something I would enjoy watching.

Sorry I don't have a lot to offer, I just couldn't get invested in this one.

Looks like you probably had a fun time writing it though

although, the criteria was met, which is already putting you ahead of some of the others lol

Matt

Yeah, don't let your imagination be stiffled by squareheads like us, normal people! We want reason and stuff, we must be crazy.
But I really liked it up untill the beginning of p4. Not sure why it stopped working, the mystery was out and I think you had to add more mystery to their fate. Instead you chose to explain what it was and in really wordy way.
But it was perfect before that - the doctor, his patients. The comedy wAS there as it did get me laugh out loud when she assumed it was fate that put them together.
"Bobbleheads are getting craftier" is a very funny line.
Too bad it got boring.

Wowsers— this was a bit all over the place. It did have action, and I guess that was comedy scattered about there, so I’ll Give you credit for that. To me it was just a bit over the top. I think you could dial it back just a bit and that might help here. I think it’s just trying too hard on the comedy and missing the mark (for me at least).

On page two, you started the dialogue three times with “Ah”. Not sure if you were aware you were even doing that but you need to take at least two, and maybe all three, out of there.

“Judgment Day a la bobble head has finally arrived.”  I don’t understand that sentence. I think it’s missing something.

Why is he called the Stranger? Why wouldn’t he have a character name?  

Some of the actions that the characters take don’t make sense. Like Wendy opening the closet when the Stranger begs her not to, but then he doesn’t tell her why she shouldn’t.

Anyway, not particularly for me, but hope others feel differently.

Best of luck,
Gary

I don't know the legal definition of a "piss-take", and perhaps it's disrespectful to even suggest such a thing - but this smells pissy.

It's action/comedy, I'll give the writer that, but it isn't grounded in anything remotely resembling reality. Absurdity is great, but I feel you need to get there, not start there. But what do I know?*

This wasn't for me.

*I know Wolverine has adamantium claws, not titanium. Sheesh.

Lol! A Terminator spoof! Well, sort of. The fusion works well too

Liked this a lot. Some great lines, action. Another psychiatrist named Parsons? Lol.

I think these type of scripts have to be taken as zany from the get go and I guess the writer planned it that way.

I don't like the title at all.

I prefer just reading and commenting after, but when I see an opening passage like this, I have to comment.

Opening Slug is so damned generic.  Then, you repeat your Slug in the passage that follows.  You spell "story" wrong, and a "5 story view" is an odd way of opening any way.  The we get this, "A framed PHD on one wall." - What exactly, is a "framed PHD"?  Then we finally see that there's a person in this scene, which, one assumes, we would have seen when we saw that 5 story view, but why is this line not directly after the prior line?  Is this supposed to be a new passage on its own?  Very odd and not a good start at all.

An Intercom would be a VO, not OS.

Wait...WTF?  A "Stranger" just came through the window.  The 5 story window?

Page 2 - Dialogue exchange is very funny!

Hmmm, is this supposed to be a play on Terminator?

The dialogue between Sonya and Stranger is very funny.  Why doesn't he have a name?

So, Sonya and Wndy are both "hot blondes", ha?  Funny.

Page 4 - How does Stranger know Wendy's name?  Sure, Parson's did use her name over the intercom, but...

Many of your passages are not broken up properly.  For instance - "Wendy has time for another ’oh’ before she’s sliced tobits by titanium claws. The Stranger elbows one guard inthe guts, knees another in the balls, dives to one side." - This is obviously 2 completely different things going on here, and you need 2 passages for it.

"Robert Pattinson and Ben Affleck." - HA!  Love Sonya's response, too.

"Bring it on if they do. Fighting a naked Arnie doll would be cool." -  

OK, the end.  A very funny pisser.  There's comedy and there's action - I'd label it the other way around, but who cares, right?

Story - Yep, we have a story here, but that's really only due to the fact that it's a takeoff of a well known movie.

Characters - Actually, very good.  All are funny and have a voice.

Dialogue - Very good, actually...and very funny.

Prose - Not very good at all.  By far the weakest category for you, and sadly, it will hurt your overall score.

Criteria - Yep, you nailed the genres as well as the bobblehead and Psychiatrist.

I like what you were going for. The execution is a bit stiff though. It reads more like a Saturday Night Live skit than what the SFX call for.

I like that you put the comedy first. I have no problem with spoof and absurd comedy, and this is in that vein, but it never reads as well as it plays out with actors. I see this as along the lines of Mystery Men, Kick-Ass, or a Scary Movie, but not at that level. The jokes are a bit flat, the dialogue not punchy enough, and not enough action description.

As for the rights, I think this falls into parody so it shouldn't be a problem (in the US anyway), depending on who makes the actual bobbleheads.

Oh, and Wolverine has adamantium claws, not titanium.

Not a bad entry at all for such a short timeframe.

Applaud the effort. I'm a big fan of the absurd, and this delivers absurdity.

Not everything hit for me, but then, that would be a big ask.

Overall, I liked this. Some of the action was a bit unbelievable... like, why did he have to fight from the grip of the guards AFTER they just witnessed a bobble attack. I think they'd release him right away.

With some fine-tuning this could be even more fun than it is.

Hi Writer,

The premise of the bobble-head dolls coming to life to end humanity reminded me of a movie of the 90's called Small Soldiers.

This one feels like a scene of something much bigger, even if it reads like a pisser or a spoof.

The writing is okay and I liked some lines of the dialogue, but that's all, I can't say I enjoyed it like I enjoyed others.

It meets the criteria, so that's a plus.

All the best,
David

Writer,

This was kinda funny. Clean, easy to read and just flat out goofy. Good work, writer.  Not that this would be in the running, but a good old bit of fun here.

Steve

This was messy and kinda all over the place.

But it made me smile - so comedy, tick.

And it certainly had lots of action, tick.

Vegan refs were funny and topical and I assume he was the Stranger as a nod to the Clint Eastwood bobblehead?

The image of them all coming out of the cupboard would be good on screen too.

Good effort

I actually chuckled out loud when the shrink had a personal moment where he played with his action figures. That's funny. Because it's very possible. Many boys played with action figures growing up. I'm sure a few are tempted as an adult. They even did that on an episode of Seinfeld. It's funny.

But then it got all crazy. And the bobbleheads coming to life...would that make a third genre? I'm not going to dock points, but it seems to me you have comedy, action and...I''m not sure. Supernatural forces?

Anyway, this started out in a good direction, the writer feels competent, but then the train went off the tracks and down the highway and through the city and started flying to the moon.

See you in the next round! Good luck!

Pretty funny/silly, and I liked the creative interpretation and wild abandon approach you went with.
Just needs a bit of finessing and some added apostrophes (were you in a hurry?) but enjoyable nonetheless. I just pictured Bobbleheads instead of LEGOs.

I swear I’ve already reviewed this script?!  

This to me meets the criteria of action comedy.  Although the comedy wasn’t to my taste.

The character I liked least was the Stranger.  Bobble heads were quite central to your story so that’s a plus.

Well-done sendup--or putdown--of superhero flicks. I assume Stranger has no super-human powers, aside from his ability to swing two baseball bats at the same time, so how did he come crashing through the window? Did he rappel down or climb up? Seems like wasted effort when he could have strolled through the door the way Sonya did.

Hmm. This was pretty goofy.

Some oddly written action sequences that just weren't very visual. The comedy mostly didn't land for me. Not a big fan of spoofs. Though I did chuckle at the "Bobblnet" line.

Sorry, but it's just not for me.

This is well-done goofiness, though I'm not quite sure who the Stranger is supposed to be spoofing (doesn't seem like John Connor at all to me). Might be Deadpool, since he seems to know that his character name is STRANGER.

Definite puts action and comedy together, I'd say a better fusion than most I've seen.

The dialogue is almost all on-the-nose, but that seems to be a deliberate choice spoofing the generic This Is My Gruffy Explanations Voice kind of action hero.

This is not something I'd actually watch, but it was one of the more entertaining scripts I've read this round. Good job.

Best fusion yet. And, by far, the greatest attempt at being funny throughout. Maybe not the funniest but pretty consistent to the end. Good job. I can see this as a 'Funny or Die' skit more than anything.

Decent banter and I liked the Stranger. Good story overall. Good work.