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I didn't stumble on that. You take an adorable girl...whatever image that calls to mind for the reader...and put her under a mask that covers her mouth and nose. Not sure why you still wouldn't be able to perceive her "adorable" ness with a surgical mask covering part of her. Take a pretty woman, put a surgical mask on her, and you can still tell she's pretty. I don't know, strange the things some people stumble on. I would already have forgotten this forgettable story if not for these quibbles! lol
I disagree about being able to tell if someone is adorable or pretty with a gas mask covering their face. If their features are hidden, how can you tell? It's probably just me though.
That was pretty damn creepy. So you had the horror component down, but I get no sense of the sci fi genre. That needs to be built up a little The doctors office barely played into the story, which I thought was supposed to be a critical element of the story.
It’s well-written, but I’m not sure I totally get the story. The bugs are in Alice. So then they leave her and then attack Regina, but then Nurse Lamb comes in and they attack her instead. So what happened to Nurse Lamb? Is she dead? Is she still on the floor of the room? Why won’t they hear the voices anymore? If they could be heard while in Alice, why can’t they be heard while in Nurse Lamb? I’m just confused, and probably not how you ant to leave the reader at the end of the story.
Anyway, like the story up until the story basically ran out at the end.
Best of luck, Gary
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
The sci-fi is subtle, but the horror scenes are great, bravo. You really know how to build up tension.
I didn't fully understand the story, I feel that you would need more than five pages to tell it, but that didn't prevent me from enjoying it.
The writing is good and the dialogue okay, but the characters are a little flat IMO. You should punch them up a little, make them memorable in some way.
The only thing that bothers me is that I'm not sure it meets the criteria. IMO the genre fusion is meet, thanks to the subtle sci-fi elements, but the booble-head doll doesn't play a major role - the story would be the same without it - and the use of the psychiatrist's office is, at best, anecdotal. So, you put me in a complicated position… Not sure, what I'm going to do. Will have to sleep on it…
Dont know what to say to this one. It eeads well and youre a confident writer. This didnt work for me somehow despite the good writing. Why to kill Lamb? Why the Elvis bobblehead... I guess its not for me. Horror is there. I dont see the sci-fi but thats ok I guess
I disagree about being able to tell if someone is adorable or pretty with a gas mask covering their face. If their features are hidden, how can you tell? It's probably just me though.
This isn't a gas mask. It's a surgical mask... and you can tell if somebody is pretty in one of those. Maybe kinky would be a better word? Even if it was a gas mask, some people may get turned on by that and so only find people that wear gas masks adorable. Without them, ew!
I like this, particularly the image of the trail of bugs - written very nicely.
I did however feel a bit of a disconnect with Elvis (Bobblehead) speaking for her. I think this needs to be described and articulated better - the actual entity of Elvis doing the talking, and I think that does need improving via the formatting of same. Still I enjoyed the visuals and your inventive take on the challenge.
My favorite logline so far - not perfect but it has conflict, genre and irony. Thumbs up.
Okay. Lots of stuff happens here.
You also mainly stayed away from the office and the bobblehead made not much sense, but I'll let you pass since at least you hit the genres very well-
It was a bit over the top. I haven't had a clear impression of the facility, like, why they use duct tape in such a futuristic environment?
Story-wise, while it had interesting angles, it lacked a bit focus and could've stayed closer with one character. Still, a pretty solid effort. Keep it going.
Duct tape?! Must be a State run hospital. Oh, it's at her insistence. That makes it okay.
Ah, sci-fi/horror. Love the power flicker and illusion. Didn't have much to do with the story though. Neither did the Elvis doll. Just a prop and not intrinsic to the telling.
Genre was definitely met but not the doll. Good story but still a lot of unanswered questions. Dialog and character development was decent. Would like to have a better feeling of the when and where this story takes place.
Good effort, for sure. One of the better. I just wish the doll played a bigger role.
This well-written and creepy... but I don't follow what's actually going on. Are the bugs real things? Seems so if Nurse Lamb could see one. Unexplained origins are fine for horror, but these things have no apparent goal or motive.
They move from Alice to Lamb... why were they in Alice and why did they want to go to Lamb? They weren't coerced or baited... they just went. Maybe I failed to pick up on something wrong that Lamb did that she deserves punishment.
The bobble-head seems tacked on. There doesn't seem to be any reason for Regina to speak through a proxy, even if she wanted to keep her mouth closed while talking.
I can certainly imagine a longer story where all of this is wrapped up nicely, but there wasn't room in five pages.