Bugs by Creepy Binders - In a near future asylum, a young girl, convinced strange bugs are trying to get inside her, tries to save her voice-hearing roommate, who she believes the critters inhabit. 5 pages - Short, Horror, Sci Fi

Not bad.

There were moments of real horror and I enjoyed the creature design.

The characters were a little unbelievable at times. Dr Winters reinforced her delusion at one point, which felt very odd.

There's no sense of meaning or real irony. There's just these bugs, and that is all there is to it. There's no background to them, and not even a simple sense of justice coming from a situation where the patient's being  mistreated.

Some potential for the future, though.

Hi writer,

Quoted Text RETURN NORMAL POV:

BACK TO SCENE or something similar would be better. This is the first thing that took me out of the read. POV is generally from someones point of view. By saying return normal POV makes me think of a cameraman filming this. May just be a personal thing.

This is another script that I thought had a interesting and entertaining setup, but then stuff just happens and it ends. It probably needed a few more pages to give it some substance.

It's hard to get the sci-fi when we don't understand the mechanisms at play at all.

Enjoyable to a point.

All the best.

Same issue for me in that the sci-fi element is so weak as to be nonexistent. So this will likely score low in the challenge. However, as a story, it's pretty decent. It's written well.

An issue is the kids. A lot of short film makers don't like using them. There's the extra costs in having the parents around. You could just as easily replace the kids with adults though.

criteria: sci fi = check, horror = check
dialog - nothing stands out
characters - not memorable. Well, the main character speaking through her bobble head, and the image of her face taped up, that's memorable, but the dialog is so robotic it makes her not very memorable.
story - it is fully formed. The girl says she's going to save her roommate, and she does. So it's a complete story. If the main character was better developed it would work much better. So basically a completed story that meets the criteria but is otherwise forgettable. Standard OWC type stuff. Very hard to make a script stand out, and sometimes one rises up and manages to do it. But not this one.

Hello writer

Hmm - I get the feeling that the first draft of this was quite long and extensively cut.
There are things mentioned that were not expanded on - such as the blackouts which left only Lamb and Regina visible, it even made the "windows" disappear (with the amazing views that weren't expanded on either) - made me think the place was some kind of hologram hospital.

The sci-fi is there, the bugs are mechanical and certainly sci-fi - It's subtle, but there.

Good premise, not quite sure what role Regina played in luring Lamb to their room at night - was in the bug in the paper? that bit didn't quite work for me. And there are so many of them, why do they only want 1 host?

Anyway, good effort, good writing

The sci-fi element felt unnecessary in the story, just used to fulfill the criteria. But it does what it's supposed to do. It would have worked just as well in a normal hospital with real bugs.

The mechanical bugs actually raise an annoying question. Why? What purpose to they serve? Who built them? If they were real bugs, then it's just creepy and strange, but machines are human inventions, so it doesn't make much sense as written.

Also, anyone filled with that many bugs would be dead. Straight up dead. So what's exactly going on here? It seems like this is an illusion or simulation or something but other than the holo-spital (see what I did there?) there's nothing to suggest it isn't really happening.

Kids are tough to write. Alice speaks like an adult in a couple of places.

It's always better to let the character speak rather than have another character say what they said off camera. Nurse Doomed-for-being-nice telling the doctor what Alice said is far less effective than having Alice utter the creepy words herself, because you could have made it creepy.

Character-wise, there's little here. The most character came from the nurse, and maybe the orderly. The rest were pretty flat.

Interesting use of the bobblehead. And I do like the ending, I just wish it was set up better. The writing is pretty good and the dialogue works for the most part.

OK, so right out of the gate, we get this, "REGINA, 8, adorable, lies restrained in her bed. A surgicalmask sealed with duct tape covers her mouth and nose. More tape covers her ears and eyes. Bandages mark her limbs." - And, I just had to laugh out loud and still find it very odd - how can a girl be "adorable", when most of her face is covered with a mask and duct tape?  Does that make any sense at all?

This is another tough one to review, as it's written in a very serious tone and seems to want to be taken seriously, but I don't know how I can, as nothing makes much sense.

It almost feels like this was slashed down to 5 pages from a much longer script.  The Sci Fi element appears to be here, but doesn't make any sense.  The story is nonexistent, as is.  The mechanical bugs are horrific and Sci fi, but make no sense.  The Elvis bobblehead is here, but why?  The writing is OK, but again, feels like it's been cut and pasted from a longer work.

I'm not even sure it meets the genres parameter, as the Sci Fi element is so weak here.

Overall, it doesn't work for me at all...at 5 pages.

Yeah had a good creepy vibe going. Again there's no reason for the mechanical bugs - reminded me of Crichton's book 'Prey"- so I'm guessing the writer jammed in the sci bit with the horror to get the fusion points? lol.

Capably written but prolly too much going on for 5 pages. Still enjoyed it

Had to revisit this because I couldn't remember the bobblehead - After scanning through it doesn't affect the story at all - if it wasn't there it would not make a difference so I don't think the criteria has been met (happy for someone to prove me wrong though)

It seems to play a prominent role. The girl speaks through it, or thinks she does. She thinks she has to, I presume, because her mouth is taped, and her mouth is taped to keep the bugs out.

You could replace the bobble head with some other doll and it wouldn't change the story, but that's true of all the stories I've read.

An early question I had was how the girl knows that giving the nurse the captured bug will lead to her coming back at night. What if the nurse looked at it when she was handed it? What if she took it to superiors? I guess the answer is that the girl has some kind of visions of the future so she has seen what will happen.

But the bobble head seems about as prominent in the other stories.

Quoted from leitskev It seems to play a prominent role. The girl speaks through it, or thinks she does. She thinks she has to, I presume, because her mouth is taped, and her mouth is taped to keep the bugs out. You could replace the bobble head with some other doll and it wouldn't change the story, but that's true of all the stories I've read. An early question I had was how the girl knows that giving the nurse the captured bug will lead to her coming back at night. What if the nurse looked at it when she was handed it? What if she took it to superiors? I guess the answer is that the girl has some kind of visions of the future so she has seen what will happen. But the bobble head seems about as prominent in the other stories.

Yes you are right - I forgot she spoke through it, I thought she was just holding it - thanks

I don't feel the Sci-Fi element until the last moments.  It's mainly a horror.  Nonetheless, it was a good read.

See the concrete room.  If that's suppose to give the impression we're in another place, even for a moment.  I'd have a scene heading.

Hey writer,

You describe Regina as adorable, but then you say her features are hidden under a gas mask. How do we know she's adorable if we can't get a good look at her? A nit pick, I know.

I actually liked this one quite a bit. Bugs creep me out big time, so this definitely struck a cord with me.

Solid writing all around. No complaints on that front.

Definitely horror, though not much sci-fi. Still, good work here. I enjoyed it.

Mixed feelings for me on this one.

The bugs/the girl/the roommate all very creepy.

But, this needs more pages to be all that it can be. So, maybe this was a poor choice for a 5 page challenge. Mechanical bugs just leave too much unexplained for the script to be satisfying. I'm all for a little mystery, but, this one is too open for my taste. Same for the on again/off again   hospital.

Whats here is very good, and interesting. I just need more -- and you didn't have the pages to give.

Maybe it's not her face that's adorable? It doesn't actually specify in the script.

I didn't stumble on that. You take an adorable girl...whatever image that calls to mind for the reader...and put her under a mask that covers her mouth and nose. Not sure why you still wouldn't be able to perceive her "adorable" ness with a surgical mask covering part of her. Take a pretty woman, put a surgical mask on her, and you can still tell she's pretty. I don't know, strange the things some people stumble on. I would already have forgotten this forgettable story if not for these quibbles! lol

I disagree about being able to tell if someone is adorable or pretty with a gas mask covering their face. If their features are hidden, how can you tell?  It's probably just me though.

That was pretty damn creepy.  So you had the horror component down, but I get no sense of the sci fi genre.  That needs to be built up a little   The doctors office barely played into the story, which I thought was supposed to be a critical element of the story.

It’s well-written, but I’m not sure I totally get the story. The bugs are in Alice. So then they leave her and then attack Regina, but then Nurse Lamb comes in and they attack her instead. So what happened to Nurse Lamb?  Is she dead?  Is she still on the floor of the room?  Why won’t they hear the voices anymore?  If they could be heard while in Alice, why can’t they be heard while in Nurse Lamb?  I’m just confused, and probably not how you ant to leave the reader at the end of the story.  

Anyway, like the story up until the story basically ran out at the end.

Best of luck,
Gary

Hi Writer,

I liked this one.

The sci-fi is subtle, but the horror scenes are great, bravo. You really know how to build up tension.

I didn't fully understand the story, I feel that you would need more than five pages to tell it, but that didn't prevent me from enjoying it.

The writing is good and the dialogue okay, but the characters are a little flat IMO. You should punch them up a little, make them memorable in some way.

The only thing that bothers me is that I'm not sure it meets the criteria. IMO the genre fusion is meet, thanks to the subtle sci-fi elements, but the booble-head doll doesn't play a major role  - the story would be the same without it - and the use of the psychiatrist's office is, at best, anecdotal. So, you put me in a complicated position… Not sure, what I'm going to do. Will have to sleep on it…

Good job, anyway!

David

I thought someof this was very well written and I got a real sense of tone from it.

But the scifi felt tacked on entirely and the bobblehead too to an extent.

The ending lost me I'm afraid.

I think this could be extended and tidied up to make a nice creepy short.

Dont know what to say to this one. It eeads well and youre a confident writer.
This didnt work for me somehow despite the good writing.
Why to kill Lamb? Why the Elvis bobblehead...
I guess its not for me.
Horror is there. I dont see the sci-fi but thats ok I guess

Quoted from Zack I disagree about being able to tell if someone is adorable or pretty with a gas mask covering their face. If their features are hidden, how can you tell?  It's probably just me though.

This isn't a gas mask. It's a surgical mask... and you can tell if somebody is pretty in one of those. Maybe kinky would be a better word? Even if it was a gas mask, some people may get turned on by that and so only find people that wear gas masks adorable. Without them, ew!

I like this, particularly the image of the trail of bugs - written very nicely.

I did however feel a bit of a disconnect with Elvis (Bobblehead) speaking for her. I think this needs to be described and articulated better - the actual entity of Elvis doing the talking, and I think that does need improving via the formatting of same. Still I enjoyed the visuals and your inventive take on the challenge.

Nicely done. Only problem I had with it, was the fusion thing: this was pure horror and no scifi.

Holographic offices, advanced nano-bugs, seems sci fi to me.

Bugs

My favorite logline so far - not perfect but it has conflict, genre and irony. Thumbs up.

Okay. Lots of stuff happens here.

You also mainly stayed away from the office and the bobblehead made not much sense, but I'll let you pass since at least you hit the genres very well-

It was a bit over the top. I haven't had a clear impression of the facility, like, why they use duct tape in such a futuristic environment?

Story-wise, while it had interesting angles, it lacked a bit focus and could've stayed closer with one character. Still, a pretty solid effort. Keep it going.

Duct tape?! Must be a State run hospital. Oh, it's at her insistence. That makes it okay.

Ah, sci-fi/horror. Love the power flicker and illusion. Didn't have much to do with the story though. Neither did the Elvis doll. Just a prop and not intrinsic to the telling.

Genre was definitely met but not the doll. Good story but still a lot of unanswered questions. Dialog and character development was decent. Would like to have a better feeling of the when and where this story takes place.

Good effort, for sure. One of the better. I just wish the doll played a bigger role.

This well-written and creepy... but I don't follow what's actually going on. Are the bugs real things? Seems so if Nurse Lamb could see one. Unexplained origins are fine for horror, but these things have no apparent goal or motive.

They move from Alice to Lamb... why were they in Alice and why did they want to go to Lamb? They weren't coerced or baited... they just went. Maybe I failed to pick up on something wrong that Lamb did that she deserves punishment.

The bobble-head seems tacked on. There doesn't seem to be any reason for Regina to speak through a proxy, even if she wanted to keep her mouth closed while talking.

I can certainly imagine a longer story where all of this is wrapped up nicely, but there wasn't room in five pages.

Funny, I thought this was classic Dena before I knew Dena wasn't playing.
Just goes to show...

Nice work, Kev.

Lol, I guess we've influenced each other. She hasn't even read this though.

When I saw the parameters, I spent Sat night reading true tales on Reddit about unusual mental patients. One was about a girl who taped her mouth so bugs wouldn't get in. They even let her go to counseling like that. She didn't have a surgical mask. I added that because I couldn't understand how else the person could breathe. There were some really sad but interesting stories on Reddit.

The bugs here are some kind of escaped nanotech or something. I figured that would be enough to make it sci fi, but a lot of people didn't thnk so.

The girl has little psychic visions of the future. She knew if she captured a bug and got into the hands of the nurse, the nurse would come back, and the bugs would move to her.

I know, silly. Very hard to think of something in a couple days that can be done in 5 pages.

This is the first script I've written in years though, so it was fun.

My second favourite, after my own masterpiece, of course.

I think it's got potential. I'd take it in the direction of an old horror called Night of the Creeps, where these slug like, alien things were infecting people.

The creepy Bugs climbing into people's mouths or ears would be cool.

I'd leave all the psychiatry and psychic stuff out of it.

Thanks. It's for the junk pile though. Trying to finish my YA novel. Goal is to get that published before I move on the next realm.

Love this little concept. Feature potential IMO.

Probably better to make the bugs more supernatural. I don't know. All yours if you want it. I actually like that the girl captures one of the bugs and hands it in the tape to the nurse. That's the point where you know it's not all in her mind.

I like that she has real psychic glimpses of the near future too. That makes her both creepy and cute. Allows you to twist up the plot a little. But I'd be ok with whatever you decide  to try.

You should see my entry this round. The worst received script I've ever posted. I'm ok with it though. I tried to have a bit of fun and experimented a little. I even tried to poke fun at myself.