The main character was not intrinsic to the story?

I had to check that horror/action was one of the fusion choices, lol.

Yeah this was written pretty well but hurried towards the end. In this day and age of terrorism, would someone really just pick up a strange unmarked package from their doorstep? Hmmm

Anyway i think this is the last to review so off to do the scorecard   got quite a few DNR's lol

Hi Writer,

I liked the atmosphere and the suspense you created, but didn't fully understand the story.

I may be wrong, but it reads like two stories in one.

On one hand we have Phil, who pays Dr. Goodman a visit under false pretenses to came later and steal the safe. And, on the other, we have that mysterious package containing a creepy hand-carved bobble-head doll that transforms Dr. Goodman with some kind of dark supernatural magic. But I can't see the connection, unless there's none, and the burglars simply were in the wrong place at the wrong time. But in that case, where did the package come from?

I can't say I didn't enjoy the story, I did - it's well written, the visuals are strong, etc. - but you did so well creating suspense, that I wanted more.

I think it's a good effort, though. The challenge parameters were tough and you did a good job.

David

Just a few unanswered questions with this one. It all just makes me wonder, but not in a good way. The sender of the box and bobblehead needs some sort of explanation. It just can't exist with zero context. Same with a box just appearing in Phil's car. What's the relationship that would heed a box to both individuals?

Almost half a page of neighborhood description on the first page too. It could have simply been described as a nice suburban neighborhood. Too much detail that didn't matter.

I wish I cared about someone in the story. I was hoping that Phil was remote controlling the doll, at least.

A good 72 hour effort, though.

The Package

The psychiatrist's physique isn't what I expect from his occupational field---

Well, I then saw it all coming along the road while the true mythology of the box hasn't been explained only the slightest.

You tried for atmospheric writing, which was okay to some degree albeit the plot should read quicker regarding its true content.

Not sure at all why Phil chose to rob his therapist - maybe the expensive interior but it's all been vague… The writing was trying and felt much better than what it story-wise could stand for. Still not bad. Keep going. Your effort to serve as good as possible was noticeable.

I really like this script. I am a film student. I am trying to contact the writer to get permission to use it for a small project in school. I emailed you. Would appreciate hearing back. Thanks.

I am new to this forum. How do I give this script 5 stars?

Hi GJ, welcome to SS. I'm not sure who wrote this one.
You can Email Don: webmaster(at)simplyscripts.com to obtain the writer's details.

We don't have a star system as such on SS but I'm sure the writer would love to know you'd give it 5.

Good luck with your project and hope to see more of you.

Libby