The Doc is Out by Bob L. Head - The post-therapy dissertation is what really matters. 5 pages - Short, Sci Fi, Comedy

Hello writer

I have no qualms with the writing - a tad over-written in places and could be tightened - but considering the 3-day timeframe a decent effort.

I get the story, a frustrated Doctor with patients he thinks are idiots - He's gone a bit bonkers and takes it out on the bobbleheads instead - not bad at all.

I do have an issue with genre though - the combination you have chosen is Sci-fi and comedy - This is not a sci-fi (you may think it is because you made the dream sci-fi - but it's not) - Nothing made me laugh either, but others may find it funny.

I really liked the dream part - thought I was in for a good story, but after that i didn't enjoy it as much.

Hmm, interesting dilemma. It has sci-fi elements, but is it genre? I’m going with yes, the sci-fi is definitely there.

What bugs me is you introduce us to Ellen and set her up to be our protagonist but it’s not her story at all. It’s all about the doctor.

Dream Ellen is cool, reminiscent of her namesake, Ripley. Her giggle when she learns she’s getting her drugs undermines everything I liked about her.

The doc is fun. Not comedy though. Mean isn’t funny, but it is interesting. Great use of bobbleheads, I enjoyed that.

It’s way overwritten, especially page one. Also, you don’t capitalize names when first spoken, only when first seen, and we never see Susan. You didn’t need to name her, but it’s okay that you did.

I like most of the dialogue. Just not the reactions.

Pretty decent for so few pages. Well done.

Well...uh...that was different...to say the least.

This is a tough one to review and grade.  Let's see what I can come up with.

First of all, over 20% of your script is a dream, which isn't labeled as such.  This dream is all Sci Fi, but absolutely nothing else is, and since it's a dream, this does not meet the genre parameter.  Actually, i don't see the comedy here either - yeah, there are some funny lines and even scenes, but the funnyness comes from someone who is obviously insane, and IMO, that is not comedy.  It's actually scary in a way...in a funny way.

Story-wise?  Well, there really isn't a story here, sorry to say.

Characters - Yeah, I like your characters, as in they're pretty well drawn.

Dialogue - Your strong suit.  Each has a voice of their own, and the Doc is just a flat out nutjob.

Writing is fine, although Page 1 is way overwritten.

Your use of bobbleheads is great, but sadly, because of the way the scoring is made up, this gets you nothing, as you missed the genres, IMO.

So, score-wise, I can't give you what your script really deserves, based on the scoring categories.  What I'm trying to say is that your script is better than the score it's gong to receive, and that's too bad.

The doctor reminds me of the crazy antics from Green Wing.  I don't know who Lewis Black is.  If I have to use Google, things like this will get lost in translation.

Aside from that.  This meets the objective in a round about way.  Sci-Fi by way of dreaming is like cheating.  It still works though.

A crazy ass read.  Could almost be a pisser if it wasn't for Green Wing.

I'm going to be real generous with genres this round... because the fusion thing is hard.

But, you really walked the line for sure.

Almost all the humor comes from the doc talking to bobbleheads... which I think would play better on screen (depending on the actor) than the page. (And, really, that's the point of scripts, isn't it?)

I liked the bit with the lights on the walkway. Really cool way to create tension from an unseen enemy. Too bad the idea's kindof wasted here. Maybe consider re-using that particular bit in a future script that'll get more attention.

All in all, this was okay. Probably would have been better if you weren't chasing the genres.

Nice pen name, too bad you don't get points for that.

Loved the whole alien bit. Great visual. Would've liked to see where this could've gone if it was a sci-fi challenge. Turns out real life Ellen was nothing like dream Ellen.

Good dialog and character. Could totally see Lewis Black playing that role. Decent prose too. A bit overwritten but really painted the picture.

The fusion was there but kind of written to meet the challenge. At least it was good sci-fi. The comedy bit, meh. Depends on how you see it. Humorous in a WTF way. Good job, writer.

The genre says Sci-fi comedy. It reads a lot more like a horror.

The Doctor was absolutely bat-shit crazy in a disturbing way, not even remotely funny.

It suffers from what a surprising amount of the scripts in this tournament have suffered from, where it starts with one story, then suddenly dispenses with that story and jumps into an entirely different story.

It must be the time limit, because it's been a very common occurrence.

It starts off as a story about Ellen, but what it's really about is the Doctor.


All that being said...I did enjoy it more than most I've read. Judging by the writer's choice of genre, the scripts quality may even be entirely unintentional...but it's still there, nevertheless.

This opens in a SciFi (Mars) environment and it was intriguing enough but then it kinda went pear shaped for me cause it's not about Ellen at all. The real story is about Dr Head and his neuroses - his outlet being the Bobblehead dolls. The fact we're in orbit is incidental. The actual Bobbleheads were not that intrinsic either. I like the idea of the doctor being the real head case but it's just a bit undercooked at the moment.

The Doc Is Out

p3 the tone reads pointless in regards to what's been set up before

oh wow, p1 and the rest felt stuck together as with a stripe of cellotape. I wasn't expecting this at all, since the first page was a clean entertaining package that raised expectations. This story has no vessel or form to me.

I’d say you’re got three separate tones going on. You start with the sci-fi, which I actually enjoyed, then you dropped back to a standard doctor/patient dramedy, and then wrap up with a batshit crazy comedy.  Not sure that you succeeded in fusing them together, so it felt a bit disjointed to me. Not sure you really had a denouement so to speak, where you really wrapped everything up. It felt like Ellen’s story wasn’t finished and the doc’s story was just beginning.

I kind of wish you’d have stayed on the ship, but that’s just me. The writing is good, I just feel like it missed the mark a bit.

Best of luck,
Gary

I think the opening page is nice, well written and love the Alien vibe...

Ah, not in space really then - shame.

Okay and then it goes there, didn't expect that.

So, not sure this is really scifi or comedy but it is well written so points for that.

The bobbleheads, are they really integral?

I liked this despite above reservation but I think it needs more to transition between the phases of the story.

Hi writer,

Quoted Text INT. SPACE STATION PASSAGEWAY - MARS ORBIT

Not a massive deal but I think this could be set up better. Generally start with the largest locaton, but I think it would be better as a super so:

INT. MARS ORBIT - SPACE STATION - PASSAGEWAY

Or

INT. SPACE STATION - PASSAGEWAY

The one hundred meter long passage is a translucent tube
with a suspended walkway and a hatch on each end. The vacant
passage is dark and silent.

SUPER: MARS ORBIT

Quoted Text Moments pass. Suddenly, the first section lights turn on. No one is there. The next section lights turn on and the first section goes dark. Still, nothing is visible.

I know it's not a horror but it’s got a bit of a Lights Out vibe.

Quoted Text Make sure you stop and see SUSAN at reception to make your next appointment.

Don't need to capitalise an introduction in dialogue, just when we see the character on screen.

I can see the attempts at comedy, but it didn’t work for me.

The bobblehead dolls barely have anything to do with the story, they are very much forced in.

I also think the sci-fi is forced and doesn’t quite capture the intent of the challenge, this isn’t fusion, it’s a sci-fi dream in the beginning and an attempt at comedy for the rest of the script.

I think the strongest part of this is the dream, it didn’t hold my interest after that.

All the best.

Here's the thing. The problem is not just that comedy is subjective. Even with comedy we need to have a clue why things are happening. Ellen goes from fighting an alien, getting raped by it, to a shrink's office. Ok. But then the shrink turns out to be some nut obsessed with Ellen? One who has given her some strange latin words and...

I'm not going to go on. The main point is this: if you want us to pay attention to the dialog, which could be really clever and funny, you have to put us in a story where we have our bearings. Take Ghost Busters, the scene where Bill Murray finds the girl he likes floating above her bed. The scene has been set up. Bill Murray is the skeptic on the team. And this is the girl he's trying to get it on with. And yet he's the one who finds her possessed. Because he's a skeptic, because he's a lazy scientist, there is comedic tension in the scene. It wouldn't have worked if one of the other Busters had found the woman, because they were serious believers in ghosts and paranormal.

Best of luck next round!

Quoted from leitskev I'm not going to go on. The main point is this: if you want us to pay attention to the dialog, which could be really clever and funny, you have to put us in a story where we have our bearings. Take Ghost Busters, the scene where Bill Murray finds the girl he likes floating above her bed. The scene has been set up. Bill Murray is the skeptic on the team. And this is the girl he's trying to get it on with. And yet he's the one who finds her possessed. Because he's a skeptic, because he's a lazy scientist, there is comedic tension in the scene. It wouldn't have worked if one of the other Busters had found the woman, because they were serious believers in ghosts and paranormal.

Kev, not trying to pick on you at all, in all seriousness, BUT...

Based on how we're supposed to score this, each category is on it's own 5 point system.  I don't approve of it, but I think that's what we have to do

Your example is from a classic full length movie...we don't have room for such info here...not even close.