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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  Head Case - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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ReneC
Posted: June 6th, 2019, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
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The horror isn't horror, the comedy is tacked on and has no bearing on the story. It technically meets the criteria, but that opening is so off base I want to dock it. If it even foreshadowed something, or set up something...but no, it's just to meet the requirement, and then it's a complete genre switch.

The ending is too abrupt, like you ran up against the page limit. Anything from Maxi would be better than just an embrace, any reaction at all. Better if you make it interesting by breaking expectations. Imagine if she starts chewing him out for picking such a fit body for her, or why does she have to be so tall? After everything he's gone through, she's pissed at him. Lots of potential for comedy in that instead of the tacked on opening which isn't all that funny anyway.

The writing's pretty good, and the dialogue is strong. Character is strong too, and I like the premise. Overall a good entry.


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 6th, 2019, 4:10pm Report to Moderator
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When describing something, using words like young, old, modest, etc, don't work, because you don't know how your audience feels about such things.

ANGLE ON - HUH?  Why?  Why use this?  Please don't in the future.

60+ and 40+, huh?  Terrible age descriptions.  Both could be 90 then, right?

Henry just used an entire box of tissues?  WTF?  How long was he there already?

Shouts out the following nonsense - Ha!  Terrible..  never use this type of lead in to dialogue in a script.

OH BOY...a few more CLOSE ON and then a lovely aside.  Thank you for that.  NOT!!!

The end.  Not a fan, sorry to say.

Story - not much
Characters - nothing remotely great here
Dialogue - Best use of following nonsense I've ever read
Prose - Not good. Lose the CLOSE ON and ANGLE ON stuff

Criteria - I don't see horror or comedy, really.
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Zack
Posted: June 6th, 2019, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
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This was pretty crazy. I actually like it quite a bit. It has a weird, cosmic-horror vibe to it. Is cosmic-horror even a thing? Lol

Still, aside the from the opening bit, it wasn't too funny. Once Henry enters the office, it's all serious from there.

Personally, I don't mind SOME camera directions in a script. But you use far too many and none of them really enhance any of scenes, so what's the point?.

Some pretty good stuff here.

Revision History (1 edits)
Zack  -  June 12th, 2019, 3:14pm
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Hank
Posted: June 7th, 2019, 9:59am Report to Moderator
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pg. 1 - lol, funny sign.
pg. 1 - “Um”, for some reason I do not picture a therapist saying this.
pg. 1 - I think it would be funnier if the doctor says “okay” firmly.
pg. 2 - I think the “Henry!” exclamation form the doctor is unneeded. Just have her look angry and scared.
pg. 3 - “Nothing for me - a little maybe.” This reads awkwardly, I would try to word this better.

This reads more like a sci-fi script to me, with two funny moments at the start with the sign and the first patient. I really like the world-building you’ve done here. I love when Henry explains to the doc how his wife was able to be turned. That, the arcane tattoos, the sign outside the home, and the sacrifice all sounded like it was from some crazy sci-fi flick. I would try expanding on how exactly Maxi changed, and ramping up the horror factor.
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Philostrate
Posted: June 7th, 2019, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

Notes as I read...


Quoted Text
ANGLE ON a closed office door. A hastily-made, comic sans-ed
sign pasted on it states:
DR. STEFANIE WEST, PSYCHIATRIST -- DO NOT DISTERB (sic)


No need of the ANGLE ON imho. And what about an INSERT?

A closed office door. Pasted on it...

INSERT - A HASTILY-MADE, COMIC SANS-ED SIGN

DR. STEFANIE WEST, PSYCHIATRIST -- DO NOT DISTERB (sic)

BACK TO SCENE


Quoted Text
ANGLE ON an elderly man sitting opposite the door.


Another ANGLE ON...


Quoted Text
LIZ DUPREE, 60+


Not a fan of the 60+.


Quoted Text
Roy was impressed.


Who's Roy?


Quoted Text

DR. WEST
You told me your wife passed.

HENRY
It's not that simple.


Okay, here comes the horror...


Quoted Text
DR. WEST
We need to be honest with each
other here. And, honestly, I see a
doll - a bobblehead I think.


I'd cut the "I think"...

I guess the bobble-head is possessed by his wife or something like that...


Quoted Text
HENRY
Zimhotem castrif qovkelum!


Okay, here it comes...

Finished.

The ending was expected but it served its purpose.

Overall, this one was okay. Not good, not bad. The horror is light and the humor didn't quite land for me, but I applaud the effort.

David


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