All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
The horror isn't horror, the comedy is tacked on and has no bearing on the story. It technically meets the criteria, but that opening is so off base I want to dock it. If it even foreshadowed something, or set up something...but no, it's just to meet the requirement, and then it's a complete genre switch.
The ending is too abrupt, like you ran up against the page limit. Anything from Maxi would be better than just an embrace, any reaction at all. Better if you make it interesting by breaking expectations. Imagine if she starts chewing him out for picking such a fit body for her, or why does she have to be so tall? After everything he's gone through, she's pissed at him. Lots of potential for comedy in that instead of the tacked on opening which isn't all that funny anyway.
The writing's pretty good, and the dialogue is strong. Character is strong too, and I like the premise. Overall a good entry.
When describing something, using words like young, old, modest, etc, don't work, because you don't know how your audience feels about such things.
ANGLE ON - HUH? Why? Why use this? Please don't in the future.
60+ and 40+, huh? Terrible age descriptions. Both could be 90 then, right?
Henry just used an entire box of tissues? WTF? How long was he there already?
Shouts out the following nonsense - Ha! Terrible.. never use this type of lead in to dialogue in a script.
OH BOY...a few more CLOSE ON and then a lovely aside. Thank you for that. NOT!!!
The end. Not a fan, sorry to say.
Story - not much Characters - nothing remotely great here Dialogue - Best use of following nonsense I've ever read Prose - Not good. Lose the CLOSE ON and ANGLE ON stuff
This was pretty crazy. I actually like it quite a bit. It has a weird, cosmic-horror vibe to it. Is cosmic-horror even a thing? Lol
Still, aside the from the opening bit, it wasn't too funny. Once Henry enters the office, it's all serious from there.
Personally, I don't mind SOME camera directions in a script. But you use far too many and none of them really enhance any of scenes, so what's the point?.
pg. 1 - lol, funny sign. pg. 1 - “Um”, for some reason I do not picture a therapist saying this. pg. 1 - I think it would be funnier if the doctor says “okay” firmly. pg. 2 - I think the “Henry!” exclamation form the doctor is unneeded. Just have her look angry and scared. pg. 3 - “Nothing for me - a little maybe.” This reads awkwardly, I would try to word this better.
This reads more like a sci-fi script to me, with two funny moments at the start with the sign and the first patient. I really like the world-building you’ve done here. I love when Henry explains to the doc how his wife was able to be turned. That, the arcane tattoos, the sign outside the home, and the sacrifice all sounded like it was from some crazy sci-fi flick. I would try expanding on how exactly Maxi changed, and ramping up the horror factor.