SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is March 28th, 2024, 10:43am
Please login or register.
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login
Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Produced Script Database (Updated!)
One Week Challenge - Who Wrote What and Writers' Choice.


Scripts studios are posting for award consideration

Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production
Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  Head Case - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 2 Guests

 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print
  Author    Head Case - WT  (currently 1397 views)
Don
Posted: June 3rd, 2019, 11:16pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
16381
Posts Per Day
1.94
Head Case by Tourney Writer X3000 - Henry Kint insists on introducing Dr. West to his wife, but she will insist on much more. 5 pages - Short, Horror, Comedy


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged Offline
Site Private Message
JEStaats
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 12:22am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


No sh*t, there I was....

Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
1735
Posts Per Day
0.62
Meets the criteria - Check
Genre - Check, although pretty light on the horror and can't say that I really laughed.
Dialog - Quite good, actually. Good job!
Characters - It all seemed kind of frantic. Not a lot of psychiatry going on.
Format - A bit heavy on the direction (e.g. angle on); Mr. should be written as Mister, same as Dr.; and action was a bit drawn out but not enough to ding you on.

Overall, very worthy! Nicely done.
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 19
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 1:36am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3382
Posts Per Day
0.63
I'm terrible at reviewing comedies. None of them make me laugh, so they all just come across as insipid, silly dramas to me. I'm only doing it because we have to. So, you can ignore everything I say!

This wasn't bad as comedies go, I suppose. It was well written enough. There's basically just one event in the script. Henry (?) performs a soul swap ritual. There's no irony, not even to the point where we see Henry either struggling with madness, or deeply upset at his wife's passing and he isn't believed, or there's some conflict over his treatment.

Ummm...I don't know what to say. I suspect this will be one of the better written comedies.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 2 - 19
DustinBowcot
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 1:44am Report to Moderator
Guest User




Quoted from JEStaats
Mr. should be written as Mister, same as Dr


This is just wrong.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 3 - 19
DustinBowcot
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 1:55am Report to Moderator
Guest User



Code

HENRY
It's not that simple.

Dr. West places a hand on Henry's shoulder, leads him in.



And... just like that. This is a poor transition from one plot point to another. I'm already being forgiving over the writing. However, weak plot points cannot be tolerated.

Code

Dr. West sighs a bit...



What?

I honestly preferred it when he was married to the bobblehead doll - and she wasn't a real woman. The comedic situation that follows seems very rushed. Probably because it was.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 4 - 19
Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 7:44am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
1770
Posts Per Day
0.89
Hello writer

The first half of the first page is really hurting my eyes looking at it - I can't put my finger on it, it looks horrible.

How can we read the sign if it is engulfed in a shrub?

why use ANGLE ON? what does it add? - in this case, nothing - just tell us these things are there.

Jeez - everything I have read thus far (in the entire tournament) must be from male writers - every single female character I have read so far has either been stunning, busty, beautiful, blonde or any combination of those.

OK end

Writing - this needs a lot of work, it was very hard to read, the action wasn't clear - I struggled to picture it in my head. The directing, the overwriting - this really needs to be tackled again

Why do we see so much of the other patient at the beginning, it literally has no baring on the story what so ever - you can lose it.

I didn't get the ending either - so is the Doc now the bobblehead? and his wife is back? what people is the guy referrring to? - this reads like a vomit draft

Comedy? not a chance lol - points lost for not fusing two genres.


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
Logged
Private Message Reply: 5 - 19
khamanna
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 9:41am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Posts
4194
Posts Per Day
0.79
So, in the grand scheme of things what was the purpose of the very first scene? To show Dr as a bad man?
If that's what I think it's there for it doesn't work. I think you need to start with Henry and Doctor and in the process show us he's not good. There are many ways - him being nasty on the phone with his mother, wife, kids etc. You don't need an unrelated scene for that.
The rest of it is sound.
It got really funny when Henry started speaking gibberish. But the fun didn't pay off as Henry was purposefully speaking gibberish and he did achieve great results with it.
So, yeah, I kind of liked the rest of the scene. And I want to see the Dr as a bad man. And I want to see that Henry knows he's bad, so that Henry's actions are justified. See, this way I'd be able to root for Henry and right now I don't.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 19
leitskev
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Posts
3113
Posts Per Day
0.64
A lot of the writing and dialog is fairly decent here. I mean all of the scripts are going to be flawed, it was a short deadline. I've read I think 8 of these tournament scripts so far, and this fits. None of them stand out, none of them are poorly written. No idea who the writer is, but I suspect the main difference in comments is due to...no, not gonna say it, lol.

The big problem here is I don't think there was even an effort to write comedy into this. I just scanned through a second time to make sure I didn't miss something, but I find no comedy at all. I think maybe the writer forgot we needed two genres.

But other than a low score for criteria, which is the first script I've given a low score on that, the writing was sound.

I'm not really into supernatural wizardry stuff like this, unless it's YA, for which it's more appropriate. So I'm not a big fan of transferring the soul of the wife through the doll to the shrink. Why her? I guess because she reminds him of her wife. But why was he seeing a shrink? It's not like he has "letting go" issues, because he has a real means of bringing his wife back. Anyway, that's not a major criticism, I guess we don't need to know.

Overall your score from me will be on the same level as the others I've read. Even steven!
Logged
Private Message Reply: 7 - 19
PKCardinal
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Kansas
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.63
Almost the entire first page is unnecessary. You've only got 5 pages. Why waste one like that?

Oh, and is it just me, or is the font wrong? Or spacing? Or something. It's an ugly script. But, why? Very distracting.

One more criticism, if I may: I literally roll my eyes now when female characters are introduced as you have them. That's your take on these characters? One is busty, the other in shape? What in the world did that add? You can do better. Aside from straight cutting the one unnecessary character, how about telling us something useful about the Dr.? What in her character description could you add that would give us some clue as to why she's chosen for the main event of your script?

I'm sorry to rant, but I get so frustrated with female character intros. Sure, if it's relevant to the script, or the tone, or the character... tell us she's busty. But, here?

The good: I liked Henry. I liked his relationship with his "wife." I liked the idea of the bobblehead as a vessel. Nicely done there. I'm a little confused as to what we're seeing in the very last shot... but, overall I liked the way the action played out.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 19
jayrex
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 2:37am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Cut to three weeks earlier

Location
London, UK
Posts
1420
Posts Per Day
0.22
I see this as comedy fantasy.  I don't think voodoo makes for horror.

The doctor turned into his wife in the end.  It seems like an okay ending.

There's a lot to talk about from this script.  

When you read lines like ...uses up the entire box of tissues.  Followed by dialogue "Now what can I do for you, Mr. Kint?". It makes you think how long were they sitting there in silence whilst he attended his sniffing dilemma.  You could say, he reached for a tissue from the box on the table between them.

You don't want to write: ...shouts out the following nonsense:

Starting off sentences with close on or angle on isn't necessary.  It's a little jarring.

It was an okay story overall.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 9 - 19
PrussianMosby
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 5:28am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
1399
Posts Per Day
0.37
Head Case

Two things weren't executed properly –p1, whole page is filled with completely unnecessary stuff , secondly, the ending which wasn't close to clean to have a nice, moving visual impression f.i. close on, the unfamiliar hand line etc. imprecise and complicated. Clear, short and easy would have worked much better.

Although there's few to no back-story about the bobble head doll and its 'methodic?', I definitely thought you got a good set with your two characters that kept everything going no matter. They had chemistry. The wrist slicing was a good change of pace and you had some fine visuals, no doubt. Re presentation I think you could consider a less is more in the future. You see, it has its ups and downs from my sight on things. A little more on the positive side though :-)



Logged
Private Message Reply: 10 - 19
Gary in Houston
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 10:37am Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Texas
Posts
1306
Posts Per Day
0.32
I read this on my iPad and didn’t notice any formatting issues that others might be seeing, so that’s good.  What’s bad is that the whole first page is wasted on unnecessary characters and descriptions that aren’t relevant to the story. Just have Henry come into a regularly schedule meeting with the doctor and go from there.

The camera directions are a bit distracting.  I’d do away with those so it doesn’t take me out of the read.

The writing isn’t bad here. But there’s no comedy or even an attempt at it. Same with the horror. This is a straight drama for me, and on that basis, it works for what it is. But it doesn’t really meet the parameters of the challenge.

If you do a rewrite, you might consider eliminating that first page, and bring another character into the story. Someone that actually practices voodoo (I find it unconvincing that 80 year old Hank can conjure up the spirits), and then you can make it sufficiently creepy.

Best of luck,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 19
AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 2:54pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
UK
Posts
4319
Posts Per Day
1.14
Hmm, something odd with the formatting, borders seem off or something... distracting but not a killer.

So I'm assuming the first page is to introduce the humour in Liz and what I am guessing she's thinking of putting on the internet? Not sure it entirely work as it's a distraction from main story which you don't need and it's not (to me) funny.

Deescriptions of our female characters is a little 1970s, you could fix this easily enough though.

The thing about the setup I don't get, and what I think is needed, is some sort of explanation for why Henry has such an urgent need. What is it that means he has to see Dr West today when he has a weekly meeting anyway?

Black magic body transference, okay that works for me... but I'm not really seeing any humour (or attempt) after first page.

Not too bad but issues as mentioned above.    


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 12 - 19
Warren
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 5:42pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
3897
Posts Per Day
1.36
Hi writer,


Quoted Text
A modest facility


This doesn’t from any sort of visual for me. I don’t know what I'm meant to be seeing. Also my version of modest may be different to yours. It would be best to give a better description of what you want us to see.


Quoted Text
ANGLE ON


Just no need for it, you could give us the exact same visual without it.


Quoted Text
DUPREE, 60+,


Personal preference, but + looks terrible in a script. You could just say (60s). Or better yet just give them an exact age.


Quoted Text
Two women sit across from each other. The older is LIZ
DUPREE, 60+, busty and bedazzled. The younger is DR.
STEFANIE WEST, 40+. Her conservative attire can't hide the
fit beauty beneath. They sit in silence for a moment.


Another male writer.

The dialogue is very stilted.

And done, that was a slog for 5 pages. Can't say I enjoyed it and didn’t quite catch what was going on at the end.

Got the horror, the comedy escaped me.

All the best.


Logged
Private Message Reply: 13 - 19
Spqr
Posted: June 6th, 2019, 3:06pm Report to Moderator
New


Posts
483
Posts Per Day
0.09
The opening scene with Liz is humorous, but not relevant to the story that follows, which is a well-done soul-transference story. However, I can't figure out why Henry had to mix in his own blood with that of Dr West's. It's the doctor's and his late wife's blood that's called for.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 14 - 19
ReneC
Posted: June 6th, 2019, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Vancouver, BC
Posts
1435
Posts Per Day
0.31
The horror isn't horror, the comedy is tacked on and has no bearing on the story. It technically meets the criteria, but that opening is so off base I want to dock it. If it even foreshadowed something, or set up something...but no, it's just to meet the requirement, and then it's a complete genre switch.

The ending is too abrupt, like you ran up against the page limit. Anything from Maxi would be better than just an embrace, any reaction at all. Better if you make it interesting by breaking expectations. Imagine if she starts chewing him out for picking such a fit body for her, or why does she have to be so tall? After everything he's gone through, she's pissed at him. Lots of potential for comedy in that instead of the tacked on opening which isn't all that funny anyway.

The writing's pretty good, and the dialogue is strong. Character is strong too, and I like the premise. Overall a good entry.


Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 15 - 19
Dreamscale
Posted: June 6th, 2019, 4:10pm Report to Moderator
Guest User



When describing something, using words like young, old, modest, etc, don't work, because you don't know how your audience feels about such things.

ANGLE ON - HUH?  Why?  Why use this?  Please don't in the future.

60+ and 40+, huh?  Terrible age descriptions.  Both could be 90 then, right?

Henry just used an entire box of tissues?  WTF?  How long was he there already?

Shouts out the following nonsense - Ha!  Terrible..  never use this type of lead in to dialogue in a script.

OH BOY...a few more CLOSE ON and then a lovely aside.  Thank you for that.  NOT!!!

The end.  Not a fan, sorry to say.

Story - not much
Characters - nothing remotely great here
Dialogue - Best use of following nonsense I've ever read
Prose - Not good. Lose the CLOSE ON and ANGLE ON stuff

Criteria - I don't see horror or comedy, really.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 16 - 19
Zack
Posted: June 6th, 2019, 7:21pm Report to Moderator
January Project Group



Location
Erlanger, KY
Posts
4487
Posts Per Day
0.69
This was pretty crazy. I actually like it quite a bit. It has a weird, cosmic-horror vibe to it. Is cosmic-horror even a thing? Lol

Still, aside the from the opening bit, it wasn't too funny. Once Henry enters the office, it's all serious from there.

Personally, I don't mind SOME camera directions in a script. But you use far too many and none of them really enhance any of scenes, so what's the point?.

Some pretty good stuff here.

Revision History (1 edits)
Zack  -  June 12th, 2019, 3:14pm
Logged
Private Message Reply: 17 - 19
Hank
Posted: June 7th, 2019, 9:59am Report to Moderator
Guest User



pg. 1 - lol, funny sign.
pg. 1 - “Um”, for some reason I do not picture a therapist saying this.
pg. 1 - I think it would be funnier if the doctor says “okay” firmly.
pg. 2 - I think the “Henry!” exclamation form the doctor is unneeded. Just have her look angry and scared.
pg. 3 - “Nothing for me - a little maybe.” This reads awkwardly, I would try to word this better.

This reads more like a sci-fi script to me, with two funny moments at the start with the sign and the first patient. I really like the world-building you’ve done here. I love when Henry explains to the doc how his wife was able to be turned. That, the arcane tattoos, the sign outside the home, and the sacrifice all sounded like it was from some crazy sci-fi flick. I would try expanding on how exactly Maxi changed, and ramping up the horror factor.
Logged
e-mail Reply: 18 - 19
Philostrate
Posted: June 7th, 2019, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
New



Posts
341
Posts Per Day
0.15
Hi Writer,

Notes as I read...


Quoted Text
ANGLE ON a closed office door. A hastily-made, comic sans-ed
sign pasted on it states:
DR. STEFANIE WEST, PSYCHIATRIST -- DO NOT DISTERB (sic)


No need of the ANGLE ON imho. And what about an INSERT?

A closed office door. Pasted on it...

INSERT - A HASTILY-MADE, COMIC SANS-ED SIGN

DR. STEFANIE WEST, PSYCHIATRIST -- DO NOT DISTERB (sic)

BACK TO SCENE


Quoted Text
ANGLE ON an elderly man sitting opposite the door.


Another ANGLE ON...


Quoted Text
LIZ DUPREE, 60+


Not a fan of the 60+.


Quoted Text
Roy was impressed.


Who's Roy?


Quoted Text

DR. WEST
You told me your wife passed.

HENRY
It's not that simple.


Okay, here comes the horror...


Quoted Text
DR. WEST
We need to be honest with each
other here. And, honestly, I see a
doll - a bobblehead I think.


I'd cut the "I think"...

I guess the bobble-head is possessed by his wife or something like that...


Quoted Text
HENRY
Zimhotem castrif qovkelum!


Okay, here it comes...

Finished.

The ending was expected but it served its purpose.

Overall, this one was okay. Not good, not bad. The horror is light and the humor didn't quite land for me, but I applaud the effort.

David


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 19 - 19
 Pages: 1, 2 : All
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The 2019 Writers' Tournament   [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006