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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  Treatment - WT Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Treatment - WT  (currently 1847 views)
Don
Posted: June 3rd, 2019, 11:16pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Treatment by Shrinks-r-us - A young trauma victim undergoes a new treatment with dire consequences. 5 pages - Short, Horror, Sci Fi


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JEStaats
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 12:41am Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Oh boy, some people are going to ding you big time! This is a classic case for formatting and orphans! By not minding your spacing and orphans, it put you over the page limit!!!! For some, that's a DQ (and I don't mean Dairy Queen).

That aside, I get the horror but totally missed the Sci-Fi. What, the robot bobblehead? You'll need to clarify when this is over.

I liked the first half and thought it should've ended at the end of page 4, which would've kept you in the race. I got lost with the nameless teenager from that point on. Should've kept it simple.

Anyway, criteria - check.
Characters - Not bad. I really did like the first 4 pages.
Overall, good job. Just check your page count!!!
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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 12:58am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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The imagery of the burning was great. That was playing out visually and intensely.

It suffered from something almost everything I've read has so far...an ending that was not related to anything we'd previously witnessed. We spent all that time and horror with Alice, but the real story was about some unknown boy who we never met.

The bobbleheaded doll thing was nice and visual, but I didn't feel it had any real role in the story.

The sci fi element was there at the end, but it was straight horror throughout the main body of the story. So really it wasn't fusion, but two separate genre stories...though we're nit picking there.

Overall, a difficult story to grade: The first part was good, but unresolved. The second part a tack on.
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 6:50am Report to Moderator
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Oh dear writer - that was careless lol
You could easily have cut something to remove the 6th page - the criteria has therefore not been met and so some points are lost.

"It's the man in the window..." - What man in the window? the dream described children, not a man - Have I missed something?

Ok this entry has annoyed me slightly - over the page limit, no sci-fi, the bobblehead has nothing to do with the story and is just there - If I could give minus points for criteria, I would.

The last page is completely disconnected from the rest of the story - what was it about? confusing, I think you lost control of this one a bit to be honest with you.
No resolution at the end either - this needs a lot of work to be a workable short.

Horror element is certainly there, the writing is solid.

Take this back to the drawing board, structure the story properly and you will have a decent short.

Matt


Feature

42.2

Two steps to writing a good screenplay:
1) Write a bad one
2) Fix it
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khamanna
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 12:52pm Report to Moderator
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Aa, shock therapy. Yeah, I think I know who it belongs to.
That's the vibe I wanted for that feature, but you refused it. You went the different road. Too bad.
This one is great. Congrats. Very solid entry.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
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I wasn't sure where the fusion was until the shift and whilst I agree it feels a little bolted on I still think it fits the criteria.

There's some arresting imagery in here too but ultimately I found it a little difficult to follow and it may benefit from a rewrite...

Over the page limit - it's been mentioned.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 8:25pm Report to Moderator
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Damn it.  This is pretty well written, but why oh why did you have to go over the page limit? There were plenty of opportunities to cut enough to get it under the limit.  We'll see how that affects everyone's votes.

There was a nice little story running through this. Both touching and horrifying in places. You're writing is pretty deft, although over-written in places.  For example, I think you could have eliminated the scene with the Janitor, as it doesn't really add much to the story, in my opinion.  We already get the idea that she's hallucinating, no need to hit us over the head with it.

Overall, good effort with a nice, affecting story.

Best of luck,
Gary


Some of my scripts:

Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly
I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner
The Gambler (short) - OWC winner
Skip (short) - filmed
Country Road 12 (short) - filmed
The Family Man (short) - filmed
The Journeyers (feature) - optioned

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PKCardinal
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 10:30pm Report to Moderator
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I feel sad, and a bit annoyed. The overage feels like just plain laziness. You couldn't find two lines to cut!? (The last two aren't even necessary!)

Sigh.

Anyway, the burning imagery is the script's strongest point.

The bobblehead is there just because you need it to be.

I got a bit turned around on the ending... but, I think I know what you're going for.

The writing is strong throughout. Too bad you'll lose so many points for two extraneous lines of action.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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leitskev
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 9:48am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Not a bad little 72 hour effort at all.

The criteria was somewhat weakly hit. The sci fi didn't appear til the end. Maybe it would help to drop a hint of it earlier. Maybe the bobblehead could be a hollogram or something.

And the bobblehead is kind of just placed in the story. It's just on the desk. Maybe I missed some part of that. I won't ding you points, close enough.

The ending does tie up for the audience what is happening to Alice. I can live with it.

My one lingering question: if the program results in the patients confronting their fears while they sleep, why do most of her dream experiences...and they are dream experiences...take place in the mental hospital?

But I think that can be made to work if we include among her terrors the hospital itself. This could be done with minor tweaking. For example, instead of the janitor with a match she could confront a burned nurse with a syringe.

While this story doesn't stand out for me more than any of the others so far, it doesn't stand behind any of them either. And since most of the writers here are pretty accomplished, this is solid work.
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stevie
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 4:27pm Report to Moderator
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Pity this is over the page limit - it maybe only two or three lines but it took me an hour to trim mine to 5 exactly from 8 - and isn’t really a fusion because the first 4 pages are really good horror with some awesome imagery  



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Zack
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 5:31pm Report to Moderator
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I really like this one.

Some pretty gruesome imagery that would be absolutely crazy if filmed. The flashback with the burning children really stood out.

No issues any of the writing. I saw what you wanted me to see.

The ending kind of feels tacked on. Kind of like you had to find a way to give it some sci-fi flavor, but it more or less worked for me. What doesn't work is the bobble-head. It serves absolutely no purpose to the story, at least that I can tell.

Still, some really imaginative writing on display here.
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Warren
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
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A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Hi writer,

Two lines onto page 6, that’s a really bad waste of 4 points. You haven’t met the criteria of the challenge. Hopefully you can make up the points with story.


Quoted Text
DR. DEFRIES
Did you have the dream again?
ALICE
It’s always the same.
DR. DEFRIES
Anything different this time?
Alice closes her eyes.
EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - NIGHT - FLASHBACK


So is it a dream or a flashback or a dream of a flashback? Could be clearer.

Another script where the bobblehead's only purpose is to meet the criteria of the challenge. It's not important to the story at all and we wouldn’t miss it if it wasn’t there. The sci-fi also feels a little forced.

I really don’t think you needed that sixth page. Some tighter writing could have easily fixed that.

Story wise, there is a spark of an idea there but it's lost in the execution.

All the best.


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 6:28pm Report to Moderator
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So, you decided to enter a script that's 2 lines over the page count?  Really?  Why?

So, right out of the gate, you start with 1 point, vs an easy 5.

So, as I've said over and over, you need to learn how to properly format a Flashback.  I don't care what others will tell you and I don't care if someone goes off on a tangent about me saying this and shows info saying all these Pros do it like this.  Just don't do it - Use BEGIN FLASHBACK on it's own line and then end it with END FLASHBACK.  This way, you can include multiple scenes and different locales.

OK, so you could have so easily fit this in 5 pages...but then, we'd have to decide if the last page is enough of a Sci Fi slant to count...or if the bobblehead was remotely relevant, which it wasn't.

So, this is one of those script that "should" actually receive very high scores, based on story, characters, dialogue, and prose.  BUT, it doesn't meat the challenge, and it shouldn't remotely receive high scores.

I'll have to abide by the rules and grade where it should be, but I'll be very pissed if this places in the top 50%.
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Spqr
Posted: June 6th, 2019, 3:30pm Report to Moderator
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Well written. I gather that the patient is unconscious for the entire period of the treatment. And she keeps re-living the traumatic incident over and over, non-stop. And Dr. Defries somehow interacts with Alice all during the process. Obviously, it's not working, despite outward appearances, so maybe you need to show that Alice is indeed suffering. This is listed as a scifi-horror script, so why not have her bed burst into flames?
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ReneC
Posted: June 6th, 2019, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
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Ah, this is the one over the page limit. Careless mistake, easily fixed. So, no, it does not meet the criteria.

I see what you went for. It's ambitious, but not quite working. The horror is terrific, but the ending doesn't do its job. The family and teenager just distract instead of reinforce the horror.

Too bad, the writing is strong. It has potential but needs a better ending.


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