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I guess this meets the criteria. It’s not bad. It’s more horror than anything.
You don’t need to write ‘...and it’s night.’ Since the scene heading has already established that. I’ve not read anyone’s comments but I’m sure others have said this and more.
As for the bobblehead. It does feature quite nicely for me.
The writing is strong, the visuals good, the idea original... you even give us a peek at Alice backstory so we can empathize with her and understand what she's going through. And then, we realize that this is some kind of treatment that taps into people's subconscious. Not bad at all. I like the idea - not so much the execution, but it wasn't as bad for me as for other people. You still need to tighten it up a little and improve the ending, but it was going to be high on my scoreboard.
But then you go over the page limit... two lines!
WTF?!
Two lines that weren't necessary!
Dr. Defries last line:
Quoted Text
DR. DEFRIES Just a trinket my kids gave me.
Was a cool ending.
No need for the extra two lines.
Why on earth would you do that?
Sighs.
Well, apart from that, the bobble-head is tangential to the story, doesn't play an important role, but all this doesn't matter because the script doesn't meet the parameters as it is.
Exceeding the page limit seems to be rather a slip here because at the bottom of p4 alone is so much space, that you just would've had to use backspace I think. Well, there's however little excuse to not take at least three points from the writing side for this formatting mistake.
It had a little Mulholland Drive feel. I like the risk you take with showing imagery that isn't quite clear on first sight and led to a story that has trust in my investment.
Honestly can’t believe this one is yours, Rene. You’re a great writer, how on earth could you not clean up those two lines? You really just threw away those points, I imagine this would have placed a lot higher without the loss of criteria points!
It isn't two lines. It's two words. Two little words.
I was pressed for time, running up against the deadline. Gave the script a once-over, all good. I PDF it and check the PDF, and spot a little mistake. So I fixed it. And didn't recheck it. The clock was running out and the kids were crying in the background, and I'd already checked it...
That fix of two words bumped the last two lines onto the next page, because formatting.
A silly, rookie mistake, and I own it. I hope you all gave me a N for meets criteria. I deserve nothing more.
Going over the limit didn't impact my review at all. I'm not eager to DQ scripts. I'm eager to have a story that I can get through without being tempted to start my grocery list. I scored this one pretty high.
It isn't two lines. It's two words. Two little words.
I was pressed for time, running up against the deadline. Gave the script a once-over, all good. I PDF it and check the PDF, and spot a little mistake. So I fixed it. And didn't recheck it. The clock was running out and the kids were crying in the background, and I'd already checked it...
That fix of two words bumped the last two lines onto the next page, because formatting.
A silly, rookie mistake, and I own it. I hope you all gave me a N for meets criteria. I deserve nothing more.
I had a similar, but less costly issue. Was the first script I've written since I went to Final Draft 11. It totally misaligned my title page and margins for some reason. I didn't notice, and clearly didn't check it well enough.
The OCD in me has hated having that script up as an example of my writing, but at least it still managed to stay up the top.
Going over the limit didn't impact my review at all. I'm not eager to DQ scripts. I'm eager to have a story that I can get through without being tempted to start my grocery list. I scored this one pretty high.
While that is a great sentiment, the script still undeniably failed to meet the critera and should have been marked a No (1).
Not necessarily, Warren. Your scoring system is unduly harsh. If a script misses the criteria you have the power to dock points accordingly depending on how severe you deem the transgression. There was more to the criteria than page count... so the question, did the script meet the criteria? The answer based on only the page count being at fault would be, mostly. So that should get a 4. A further transgression, say, an object not utilised as well as it should have been, drop to a 3.
If the criteria has been mostly met, how can you drop it to a 'not met' based on only one aspect?
Not necessarily, Warren. Your scoring system is unduly harsh. If a script misses the criteria you have the power to dock points accordingly depending on how severe you deem the transgression. There was more to the criteria than page count... so the question, did the script meet the criteria? The answer based on only the page count being at fault would be, mostly. So that should get a 4. A further transgression, say, an object not utilised as well as it should have been, drop to a 3.
If the criteria has been mostly met, how can you drop it to a 'not met' based on only one aspect?
No that's not actually correct. For criteria we don't have a 1 to 5 scoring option. We have a Y/N option. Yes being 5 points, no being 1.
The criteria of this challenge is no more than 5 pages, bobblehead, fusion, psychiatrist office. This is 6 pages, the criteria is not met. If I had the option of a 1 to 5 system then yes I would have given him a 3 or a 4. That isn't how Sean has set it up.
It's not harsh, it's just the way it is. I'm sure Rene would agree.
Sorry Rene, my review was a bit harsh and unhelpful. Me not understanding the story was not your fault, it was just me not understanding.... I'm still trying to get the hang of reviewing
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