Treatment by Shrinks-r-us - A young trauma victim undergoes a new treatment with dire consequences. 5 pages - Short, Horror, Sci Fi

Oh boy, some people are going to ding you big time! This is a classic case for formatting and orphans! By not minding your spacing and orphans, it put you over the page limit!!!! For some, that's a DQ (and I don't mean Dairy Queen).

That aside, I get the horror but totally missed the Sci-Fi. What, the robot bobblehead? You'll need to clarify when this is over.

I liked the first half and thought it should've ended at the end of page 4, which would've kept you in the race. I got lost with the nameless teenager from that point on. Should've kept it simple.

Anyway, criteria - check.
Characters - Not bad. I really did like the first 4 pages.
Overall, good job. Just check your page count!!!

The imagery of the burning was great. That was playing out visually and intensely.

It suffered from something almost everything I've read has so far...an ending that was not related to anything we'd previously witnessed. We spent all that time and horror with Alice, but the real story was about some unknown boy who we never met.

The bobbleheaded doll thing was nice and visual, but I didn't feel it had any real role in the story.

The sci fi element was there at the end, but it was straight horror throughout the main body of the story. So really it wasn't fusion, but two separate genre stories...though we're nit picking there.

Overall, a difficult story to grade: The first part was good, but unresolved. The second part a tack on.

Oh dear writer - that was careless lol
You could easily have cut something to remove the 6th page - the criteria has therefore not been met and so some points are lost.

"It's the man in the window..." - What man in the window? the dream described children, not a man - Have I missed something?

Ok this entry has annoyed me slightly - over the page limit, no sci-fi, the bobblehead has nothing to do with the story and is just there - If I could give minus points for criteria, I would.

The last page is completely disconnected from the rest of the story - what was it about? confusing, I think you lost control of this one a bit to be honest with you.
No resolution at the end either - this needs a lot of work to be a workable short.

Horror element is certainly there, the writing is solid.

Take this back to the drawing board, structure the story properly and you will have a decent short.

Matt

Aa, shock therapy. Yeah, I think I know who it belongs to.
That's the vibe I wanted for that feature, but you refused it. You went the different road. Too bad.
This one is great. Congrats. Very solid entry.

I wasn't sure where the fusion was until the shift and whilst I agree it feels a little bolted on I still think it fits the criteria.

There's some arresting imagery in here too but ultimately I found it a little difficult to follow and it may benefit from a rewrite...

Over the page limit - it's been mentioned.

Damn it.  This is pretty well written, but why oh why did you have to go over the page limit? There were plenty of opportunities to cut enough to get it under the limit.  We'll see how that affects everyone's votes.

There was a nice little story running through this. Both touching and horrifying in places. You're writing is pretty deft, although over-written in places.  For example, I think you could have eliminated the scene with the Janitor, as it doesn't really add much to the story, in my opinion.  We already get the idea that she's hallucinating, no need to hit us over the head with it.

Overall, good effort with a nice, affecting story.

Best of luck,
Gary

I feel sad, and a bit annoyed. The overage feels like just plain laziness. You couldn't find two lines to cut!? (The last two aren't even necessary!)

Sigh.

Anyway, the burning imagery is the script's strongest point.

The bobblehead is there just because you need it to be.

I got a bit turned around on the ending... but, I think I know what you're going for.

The writing is strong throughout. Too bad you'll lose so many points for two extraneous lines of action.

Not a bad little 72 hour effort at all.

The criteria was somewhat weakly hit. The sci fi didn't appear til the end. Maybe it would help to drop a hint of it earlier. Maybe the bobblehead could be a hollogram or something.

And the bobblehead is kind of just placed in the story. It's just on the desk. Maybe I missed some part of that. I won't ding you points, close enough.

The ending does tie up for the audience what is happening to Alice. I can live with it.

My one lingering question: if the program results in the patients confronting their fears while they sleep, why do most of her dream experiences...and they are dream experiences...take place in the mental hospital?

But I think that can be made to work if we include among her terrors the hospital itself. This could be done with minor tweaking. For example, instead of the janitor with a match she could confront a burned nurse with a syringe.

While this story doesn't stand out for me more than any of the others so far, it doesn't stand behind any of them either. And since most of the writers here are pretty accomplished, this is solid work.

Pity this is over the page limit - it maybe only two or three lines but it took me an hour to trim mine to 5 exactly from 8 - and isn’t really a fusion because the first 4 pages are really good horror with some awesome imagery  

I really like this one.

Some pretty gruesome imagery that would be absolutely crazy if filmed. The flashback with the burning children really stood out.

No issues any of the writing. I saw what you wanted me to see.

The ending kind of feels tacked on. Kind of like you had to find a way to give it some sci-fi flavor, but it more or less worked for me. What doesn't work is the bobble-head. It serves absolutely no purpose to the story, at least that I can tell.

Still, some really imaginative writing on display here.

Hi writer,

Two lines onto page 6, that’s a really bad waste of 4 points. You haven’t met the criteria of the challenge. Hopefully you can make up the points with story.

Quoted Text DR. DEFRIES Did you have the dream again? ALICE It’s always the same. DR. DEFRIES Anything different this time? Alice closes her eyes. EXT. SUBURBAN STREET - NIGHT - FLASHBACK

So is it a dream or a flashback or a dream of a flashback? Could be clearer.

Another script where the bobblehead's only purpose is to meet the criteria of the challenge. It's not important to the story at all and we wouldn’t miss it if it wasn’t there. The sci-fi also feels a little forced.

I really don’t think you needed that sixth page. Some tighter writing could have easily fixed that.

Story wise, there is a spark of an idea there but it's lost in the execution.

All the best.

So, you decided to enter a script that's 2 lines over the page count?  Really?  Why?

So, right out of the gate, you start with 1 point, vs an easy 5.

So, as I've said over and over, you need to learn how to properly format a Flashback.  I don't care what others will tell you and I don't care if someone goes off on a tangent about me saying this and shows info saying all these Pros do it like this.  Just don't do it - Use BEGIN FLASHBACK on it's own line and then end it with END FLASHBACK.  This way, you can include multiple scenes and different locales.

OK, so you could have so easily fit this in 5 pages...but then, we'd have to decide if the last page is enough of a Sci Fi slant to count...or if the bobblehead was remotely relevant, which it wasn't.

So, this is one of those script that "should" actually receive very high scores, based on story, characters, dialogue, and prose.  BUT, it doesn't meat the challenge, and it shouldn't remotely receive high scores.

I'll have to abide by the rules and grade where it should be, but I'll be very pissed if this places in the top 50%.

Well written. I gather that the patient is unconscious for the entire period of the treatment. And she keeps re-living the traumatic incident over and over, non-stop. And Dr. Defries somehow interacts with Alice all during the process. Obviously, it's not working, despite outward appearances, so maybe you need to show that Alice is indeed suffering. This is listed as a scifi-horror script, so why not have her bed burst into flames?

Ah, this is the one over the page limit. Careless mistake, easily fixed. So, no, it does not meet the criteria.

I see what you went for. It's ambitious, but not quite working. The horror is terrific, but the ending doesn't do its job. The family and teenager just distract instead of reinforce the horror.

Too bad, the writing is strong. It has potential but needs a better ending.

Kind of a horror Matrix.

I guess this meets the criteria.  It’s not bad.  It’s more horror than anything.

You don’t need to write ‘...and it’s night.’  Since the scene heading has already established that.  I’ve not read anyone’s comments but I’m sure others have said this and more.

As for the bobblehead.  It does feature quite nicely for me.

pg. 3 - ‘Shoves the burned child away’. This made me chuckle.
pg. 3 - ‘It’s the man in the window,’ you never mentioned a man in the window.

This had some very strong horror elements, and I like the sci-fi twist.

Hi Writer,

Interesting story.

The writing is strong, the visuals good, the idea original... you even give us a peek at Alice backstory so we can empathize with her and understand what she's going through. And then, we realize that this is some kind of treatment that taps into people's subconscious. Not bad at all. I like the idea - not so much the execution, but it wasn't as bad for me as for other people. You still need to tighten it up a little and improve the ending, but it was going to be high on my scoreboard.

But then you go over the page limit... two lines!

WTF?!

Two lines that weren't necessary!

Dr. Defries last line:

Quoted Text DR. DEFRIES Just a trinket my kids gave me.

Was a cool ending.

No need for the extra two lines.

Why on earth would you do that?

Sighs.

Well, apart from that, the bobble-head is tangential to the story, doesn't play an important role, but all this doesn't matter because the script doesn't meet the parameters as it is.

Disappointment apart, it was a good effort.

David

Treatment

Exceeding the page limit seems to be rather a slip here because at the bottom of p4 alone is so much space, that you just would've had to use backspace I think. Well, there's however little excuse to not take at least three points from the writing side for this formatting mistake.

It had a little Mulholland Drive feel. I like the risk you take with showing imagery that isn't quite clear on first sight and led to a story that has trust in my investment.

A good attempt.

Honestly can’t believe this one is yours, Rene. You’re a great writer, how on earth could you not clean up those two lines? You really just threw away those points, I imagine this would have placed a lot higher without the loss of criteria points!

Or is that your plan, Lull us into a sense of comfort, then destroy us from the bottom up?

Yeah, A DQ that sits in 12th place.

Nothing wrong with that, right?  Unreal...

Yeah.....boy, did I feel like a heel.

It isn't two lines. It's two words. Two little words.

I was pressed for time, running up against the deadline. Gave the script a once-over, all good. I PDF it and check the PDF, and spot a little mistake. So I fixed it. And didn't recheck it. The clock was running out and the kids were crying in the background, and I'd already checked it...

That fix of two words bumped the last two lines onto the next page, because formatting.

A silly, rookie mistake, and I own it. I hope you all gave me a N for meets criteria. I deserve nothing more.

Going over the limit didn't impact my review at all. I'm not eager to DQ scripts. I'm eager to have a story that I can get through without being tempted to start my grocery list. I scored this one pretty high.

Don't sweat it, Rene. I really liked this one. I think you did a great job.

Quoted from ReneC Yeah.....boy, did I feel like a heel. It isn't two lines. It's two words. Two little words. I was pressed for time, running up against the deadline. Gave the script a once-over, all good. I PDF it and check the PDF, and spot a little mistake. So I fixed it. And didn't recheck it. The clock was running out and the kids were crying in the background, and I'd already checked it... That fix of two words bumped the last two lines onto the next page, because formatting. A silly, rookie mistake, and I own it. I hope you all gave me a N for meets criteria. I deserve nothing more.

I had a similar, but less costly issue. Was the first script I've written since I went to Final Draft 11. It totally misaligned my title page and margins for some reason. I didn't notice, and clearly didn't check it well enough.

The OCD in me has hated having that script up as an example of my writing, but at least it still managed to stay up the top.

Quoted from leitskev Going over the limit didn't impact my review at all. I'm not eager to DQ scripts. I'm eager to have a story that I can get through without being tempted to start my grocery list. I scored this one pretty high.

While that is a great sentiment, the script still undeniably failed to meet the critera and should have been marked a No (1).

Not necessarily, Warren. Your scoring system is unduly harsh. If a script misses the criteria you have the power to dock points accordingly depending on how severe you deem the transgression. There was more to the criteria than page count... so the question, did the script meet the criteria? The answer based on only the page count being at fault would be, mostly. So that should get a 4. A further transgression, say, an object not utilised as well as it should have been, drop to a 3.

If the criteria has been mostly met, how can you drop it to a 'not met' based on only one aspect?

Quoted from DustinBowcot Not necessarily, Warren. Your scoring system is unduly harsh. If a script misses the criteria you have the power to dock points accordingly depending on how severe you deem the transgression. There was more to the criteria than page count... so the question, did the script meet the criteria? The answer based on only the page count being at fault would be, mostly. So that should get a 4. A further transgression, say, an object not utilised as well as it should have been, drop to a 3. If the criteria has been mostly met, how can you drop it to a 'not met' based on only one aspect?

No that's not actually correct. For criteria we don't have a 1 to 5 scoring option. We have a Y/N option. Yes being 5 points, no being 1.

The criteria of this challenge is no more than 5 pages, bobblehead, fusion, psychiatrist office. This is 6 pages, the criteria is not met. If I had the option of a 1 to 5 system then yes I would have given him a 3 or a 4. That isn't how Sean has set it up.

It's not harsh, it's just the way it is. I'm sure Rene would agree.

Sorry Rene, my review was a bit harsh and unhelpful. Me not understanding the story was not your fault, it was just me not understanding.... I'm still trying to get the hang of reviewing

Quoted from Warren No that's not actually correct. For criteria we don't have a 1 to 5 scoring option. We have a Y/N option. Yes being 5 points, no being 1. The criteria of this challenge is no more than 5 pages, bobblehead, fusion, psychiatrist office. This is 6 pages, the criteria is not met. If I had the option of a 1 to 5 system then yes I would have given him a 3 or a 4. That isn't how Sean has set it up. It's not harsh, it's just the way it is. I'm sure Rene would agree.

Ah, sorry, my mistake.

Quoted from Matthew Taylor Sorry Rene, my review was a bit harsh and unhelpful. Me not understanding the story was not your fault, it was just me not understanding.... I'm still trying to get the hang of reviewing

No apologies necessary. It's all valuable, even for the glimpse into how people receive it. It's largely my fault anyway, I didn't do the story justice and I know it. It was the best I could do in a time crunch, and it was messy. I'm not surprised some people didn't get it.

Quoted from Philostrate Why on earth would you do that?

Well, now I know. Sorry if my words came out harsh, Rene, it wasn't my intention. I was a little pissed because I liked the script but couldn't give it the score it deserved. I hope you accept my apologies. You always try to provide detailed and insightful feedback and you don't deserve less than that in return.

Oooh. The nightmare scenario. Now that I understand what happened... I feel I was harsh. Could happen to anyone. Ugh.

I'll keep that in mind if something like this comes up in the future. Still have to DQ in the future... but, I should keep the judgement down. I was just so disappointed.

Quoted from leitskev Going over the limit didn't impact my review at all. I'm not eager to DQ scripts. I'm eager to have a story that I can get through without being tempted to start my grocery list. I scored this one pretty high.

And again, here is the problem.  We have an entry that clearly failed the criteria component, adn yet Kevin is giving it a 5, while giving others a 1.

It's just absolutely crazy!!!

Quoted from Dreamscale And again, here is the problem.  We have an entry that clearly failed the criteria component, adn yet Kevin is giving it a 5, while giving others a 1. It's just absolutely crazy!!!

Welcome to the no DQ tournament. That is what you entered into...