Never Know what you'll Get by Anonymouse3 - {no logline} - Short, Horror, Comedy

Hello writer

Why no logline?

I'm not entirely sure what I just read, or why it was happening - Following where the characters were in the locations was not easy and the action was just confusing - why did any of this happen?

Sorry, but not for me.

Matt

Well Im happy she's the granddaughter of famous Chun Lee! I didnt see that coming. No I did. It's a bit predictable in that sense I should say.

So, why today? Why would she let the bobbleheads inside before and today she chose to rebel? This makes it out of blue and plain random. But it could be a very good script if you explained her sudden actions.

I like it.  It's quirky.  It does have the ring of pisser to it.

Unusual idea to have the bobblehead Eli be that.  Would have been good if you had kept that up for Monty.

This one meets the criteria for me.

It's more action-comedy than horror, and more action than anything. The comedy is very particular, and gore does not equal horror.

If this is in the Street Fighter universe, why even bother with looking for a weapon to defend herself? She is a weapon, as she demonstrates. She isn't pretending to be helpless, she isn't trying to take anyone down, she's just the right person in the wrong place. And why did she subject herself to humiliation sex before? It suggests she has issues but they aren't evident on these pages. That would be an interesting story.

This should have been written like a video game level. It would have worked better. As it is, it's too random, it's racist, it's sexist, and it shits on an iconic video game character.

But the writing is pretty good.

Quoted from ReneC This should have been written like a video game level...

Just wanted to say that I love that idea! - like the classic side scrolling games like Final Fight (not the POV type from DOOM)

I think this lost me from the start as it launches straight into unexplained madness... and then gets weirder!

But, there were definitely images and sequences that made me laugh.

Not entirely sure what tomake of this, but it ticked all the boxes.

WOW!  Well, that was...uh...different.

No logline - not good.

Title is rather odd, but I guess I kind of get it...maybe.

Another tough one to review, but I'll go for it.

Story - Listen, I get it, it's tough to craft a complete story in 5 pages or less.  Most of these entries are actually just scenes.  I see little clues of a story here, but they have to be "read in" through dialogue.  And that's OK, but my guess is few will actually do that.

Characters - We're obviously in a world here that isn't reality, as we have 2 complete psychos and 1 semi-super hero, but all work as I think they're supposed to.

Dialogue - I'm assuming the dialogue is mostly to be taken for comedic affects, or with the vampire dude, for horror affects, and again, it all worked for me.

Prose - Writing is good, visual.

Criteria - So, here we have the tough part to look at.  In many ways, this reads like a pisser, but don't take that the wrong way, as pissers can be comedy gold.  I see numerous attempts at humor and overall, there is a comedy vibe that's very present.  The horror part comes in at the end, and for me, is actually quiet scary or horrific., which is then immediately flipped on its head with the "spinning bird kick".

Bobbleheads are prevalent and I have to say quite unique, as in I highly doubt I'll ever read another script that involves an oversized Eli Manning Bobblehead secured to a guy's member.

First one so far to meet the criteria for me.

Ah horror comedy. I have already read one of the other horror/comedy ones and it was funny up until someone gets killed violently. As perps have discussed at length, thats when it ISN'T h/c as victims being brutally killed isn't comedy.

This one is very funny with all the dolls and stuff but when Pun smashes the fuck out of Johnson it becomes unfunny.

Well written and formatted but the writer lost control there half way through.

More absurdist and eccentric, and stereotypically objectifying in a ham fisted way, than outright comedy or horror.

The female descriptions?! And the Bobblehead (I had to look up Eli Manning) used as a... Nooo.

And now a French Maid's outfit?!
Complete with vampire teeth and martial arts.

Sorry, I just could not stick with this and ended up scanning.

Not for me.

Okay. Where to begin?

Lots of pop-culture references I didn't get, but that's my fault rather than the writer's. Labeling the one doll as "oversized" is sufficient to say why that one is different.

There's a minislug used to intro a new location, otherwise the formatting is spot on.

The overt sexism is supposed to be a reflection of the antagonist's problems, since the victim does break the feminine mold by the end... though does it is a stereotypically racist way. Sigh.

Don't know who Chun-Li is, but since Japanese names are surname first, his granddaughter would be Chun-Mei or something (I wouldn't go with Chun-Pun). Also, be careful with Broken English in dialogue. There doesn't seem to be any reason why this character can't speak properly, though it's easy to run out of space for exposition in five pages.

Monty came out of nowhere.

The martial-arts move at the end was unnecessarily over the top, but maybe that was intended as a comedy beat?

This is violent, but I'm not sure it qualifies as horror. It's definitely comedy and something else, and five pages with the correct object and location... so I'll check the box on this one.

Fairly clear who wrote this.

An obvious attempt at a pisser. The humor didn't really land with me. As a result, the story becomes an effort to get to the end.

I'm not a fan of people saying "thanks for participating", but it might be appropriate here, as I think this was just thrown into the mix to pump up the tournament numbers.

No horror, but the mix of action and comedy meets the criteria.

The attempts at comedy are there, but most of the humor didn't land for me. It was too sexist and downright degrading.

You write well, but this one wasn't for me.

Final one! Let’s see what we’ve got!

And... oof. Boy, I don’t know if it was intended, but that came off as a bit racist.  

Don’t know who Chun-Li is, but I’m guessing it was from a video game.

Why didn’t she just fight the doc at the beginning if she knows martial arts?

Sorry, this left me very confused. Not for me.

Best of luck,
Gary

Hi writer,

Quoted Text PUN What fuck? Doc. You go crazy? Eli Manning not going in this hole! (covers crotch with left hand) Or that hole! (covers rear with right hand) A-Rod...maybe. Eli, no way, Jose!

My eyes are glazing over already. I'll soldier on, somehow.

Quoted Text this get crazier every second.

Agreed, and not in any good way.

Not sure how to comment on this, it was by far the worst of the batch. Sorry, but I have nothing for you. I comment only to show I've read the entry.

All the best.

Since I have finished my reads I have decided to give this one a second go, since the first time it completely passed me by and my comment was not helpful.

A second read has benefited - Pun needs something from the Doc, which is why she has put up with this abuse before... but, it then begs the question as to why did she go and put on the maids outfit and was seemingly willing to go through it again? The document is there, already signed - she doesn't need to do this again if she has the ability to kick his ass and just take the document - like she eventually does anyway.

What other door does the Doc come out of? Pun has just come out of the ensuite so presumably, the only other door leads to the lounge - why would he go in there to get naked, only to come back in?

I can't tell if Pun's accent is authentic, or a racist interpretation... I'm leaning towards the latter.

The references to who the bobbleheads are representing are lost on me (obviously not the writer's fault) - but I think that also hinders my understanding of this.

"Pun opens the closet door" - OK, I got confused on my first read because this has been written as if the closet has already been established, it hasn't... I don't think.

OK - I have found another place I was confused about before - How did Monty get into the office without Pun seeing him? The way I have the layout pictured in my head is - Outside leads into the Lounge - the lounge leads into the office - the office leads into the ensuite. But obviously that doesn't work because Monty would have had to walk past Pun to get to the office... so there must be another way into the office.
Obviously, you can't write a whole building blueprint into a script, just saying this as justification as to how I become confused with the action and where things were in relation to each other.

Quoted Text PUN This not what Doc told me.

Doc didn't tell her anything about anything - At the beginning, the Doc says "But...I need one more time, and then it ends." - IE this was not pre-arranged (at least no one told Pun it was pre-arranged)

The Pun character is all over the place - Weak, timid, she screams she cries shes frightened... then... actually shes a badass warrior

FYI - Chun-Li is Chinese, not Japanese (Capcom who created her is a Japanese company but the Chun-Li character is Chinese)

The second read cleared some things up - I still didn't enjoy it though.

It was weird, sexist, racist... The kind of video that should remain deep down in the dark web.

Not a lot of thought went into it, It's still confusing and has more holes than a slice of Swiss cheese - I would be surprised if this wasn't a drink-fueled 11th-hour entry

I skipped over the parts that were technically bad just to get to the next crazy part. So bad it's good.

Nothing to add.

Yikes. Definitely not for me.

I usually try and read scripts even if they aren't my cup of tea... but, I just flat couldn't get through this one. Sorry.

Stupid script. Pun-li is not a Japanese name, and her pidgin english is ridiculous. The bobble over Johnson's pokey is ludicrous. And I don't know what the hell Monty was doing here.

Writer,

Thought this was damn funny. A little heavy handed on the bobbleheads early on -- your first three action blocks could have been rolled into one. Thought the Eli Manning and Billy Martin jokes were funny, but as evidenced, not everyone's gonna get it.

Overall, not sure where this went and why, but I got a kick out of it.

Steve

pg. 1 - “I need one more time,” This reads awkwardly.

I like how disturbing this is, and that it also has action. I like how the office and lounge were decked out in obscure things. I think the badly spoken English dialogue should be made into fluent English, and some parts of your script are very sexist, even for a screenplay based on anime.

Never Know what you'll Get

no logline will cost you one point in the writing category from the go

Btw I also find the title rather lame, especially after reading the content, it could be much more striking and provoking.

Okay, it's borderline sexist but who cares when the self-irony legitimates its existence. I think you never left the storyline, which no matter what, felt consistent throughout. This way you weaved and wriggled yourself through this hard challenge. Well, it was consistent and kept the tone…  
I know the writer... always gets away with his/her shit with me.

What did I just read? I can't wait to read Jeff's comments.

This was totally off the wall and nonsensical.

Quoted from JEStaats What did I just read? I can't wait to read Jeff's comments. This was totally off the wall and nonsensical.

HA!  i actually liked it.  I thought it was pretty damned funny, but then again, I like pissers.

Quoted from Dreamscale HA!  i actually liked it.  I thought it was pretty damned funny, but then again, I like pissers.

Yeah... I wonder who wrote it?

Quoted from DustinBowcot Yeah... I wonder who wrote it?

Me too, but I have a pretty good idea.

Every time I see the title it reminds me of a line from one of my alltime fave songs, ‘Surrender’ by Cheap Trick

Mother told me, yes she told me, I’d meet girls like you
She also told me, stay away, you’ll never know what you’ll catch

The Eli Manning bit was damn funny lol

Quoted from stevie The Eli Manning bit was damn funny lol

So was Billy Martin!

Those Mannings are dic'heads!

First script for me. Challenge, fusion, psychiatrist office and bobblehead.

Fusion: Two or more things cuming together.

No logline, so going in cold.

Pun-Li. Would be funny if there are some puns in this...

If his "Johnson" is covered, how do we know it's erect?

Kind of crude, but I'm guessing comedy is one of the genres being fused.

Big game or PETA nightmare. Funny.

Entrance into the lounge...

Rifles sit? I don't know. Seems like an odd word choice, but what do I know.

Finished...

Don't think I quite got this one. There was some comedy, but I fail to pick the second one. Action? There was no horror IMO. Certainly no thriller. Could've been drama with some more backstory and/or emotional stuff.

Bobbleheads everywhere, so check. Psychiatrist's office, yes, but felt a bit forced in. Maybe the page limitations made it seem so.

Pun's dialogue was great. The Doc's and Monty's were okay.

I guess my thoughts on this is that I would've liked to feel a little more for Pun. Easily done with some backstory or such. Currently, she comes off sort of cartoony. Tap into some of that deep emotional stuff anime is capable of and ditch the shallow one you have right now.

Not enough info on Johnson to hate him or have any other feelings for him.

Monty is just a bland out of nowhere unmemorable character. Gimp suit and fangs does not alone make him a memorable character. Nor does he make sense. Btw, I could be wrong, but isn't a person in a gimp suit usually a submissive person? If so, it doesn't work with him having fangs and attacking her. I'm old and not up to speed on these things. I prefer the old days when fun was part of the game.

In short, this was ok, but I'm not going to encourage you develop this into a feature.  

So, yeah, this is mine, and it seems like pretty much everyone knew that.  I'm not sure, as I really tried to disguise my writing, but maybe it was the subject matter, maybe it was the delivery, maybe it was a number o things.

I usually...almost always, thank everyone for the read and feedback, but I'm not going to do that here.  I do appreciate the reads and the feedback that was meant to help, but the majority here just really attacked me here, calling it racist, sexist, offensive, etc.

When you say that about the writer, you most likely think the writer is those things, which is so far from the truth, it's redonkulous.

I did sit down to write with 3 hours to go, and with 4 minutes left, I didn't have a title or logline and actually struggled to even remember how to get to my title page.

I was actually happy with it, but it was extremely rushed and in parts, it definitely shows.

What irks me is that somehow, you all gave me extremely low scores in all 5 categories, which is just a mystery to me.

If you actually took any time to read the script, there is a story here, whether you liked it or not, I understand, but it wasn't a complete pisser with no logic behind it.

Characters?  Really?  Are there not 1 or even 2 of the most memorable charterers in the batch?

Dialogue?  Really?  No memorable dialogue?  

Prose?  C'mon...sure it was rushed and had some mistakes, but compared to the other 19?  This was poorly written?

Criteria - You nixed me 5 free points?  How? No comedy?  It was basically all comedy.  Horror?  None there?  Man...just not happy about this.

I'll soldier on, though, and you never know...