An Abandoned Mine, a Golden Chalice and a Beast Named Blondie by Knock, Knock. Who's there? - Two young boys accept a "quest" from a strange neighbor. - Short, Comedy

Hi writer,

Quoted Text Behind him, a marshmallow struggles to keep up. Well, not a marshmallow.

This doesn’t really work for me.

Quoted Text Dexter pokes Puffy in the arm. POP. He pokes again. POP.

POP? Where is the pop coming from?

Quoted Text DEXTER Literally wrapped in bubble wrap. For a bike ride.

I think you should add this in the initial description. Set up what we see so we have the full picture initially.

Quoted Text BARTON It’s a magical item with special powers, bestowed upon me by my -- 2. PUFFY (O.S.) -- It’s a whistle.

Funny

Quoted Text BARTON Had my brother set it out. (to Puffy) I’ve been watching you. Thought you needed an adventure. And, since I needed company...

This exposition isn’t great. Would have been nice if we could have gotten there some other way. I realize that is hard with the page limit, but still.

The sewer really could have been anywhere, but it’s there.

I did laugh a few times and I can see the other attempts at comedy.

From the title I thought it might be a pisser, thank god it wasn’t.

Not bad at all.

All the best.

I quite liked this.

The boys adventure stuff worked nicely. I personally thought the stuff with the dog was a little dark compared to the tone of the rest of the script. It came across more as frightening than comedic in nature.

It's not bad. A couple of amusing moments in there.

I liked the bubble wrap going off with the the dog attack. Btw, I thought Puffy was a dog at first...

Old Man Barton's desperate attention seeking is a bit on the creepy side.

Another lighthearted script. This one works better for me. It's a cute little story.

Not laugh out loud funny, but humorous none-the-less. And a clever use of the whistle.

Only thing I didn't really like is the title. It's a mouthful. Lol

Really good work here.

I like this one.  My fav so far.  Enjoyable, fun to read, nice take on the whistle objective.  Good use of the sewer.  And possibly easy/cheap to film.

This one meets the objective for me easily.

I hate the opening Slug, but it's fine, I guess.

What follows is not fine, though.  I tried to copy/paste the passage here and it came out as gibberish - I mean even more gibberish than we see on the page which is very odd.

Anyways, Puffy, marshmallow, and this winter coat don't make any sense and the writing is extremely awkward.

So, first, Puffy is wearing "a thick winter coat, white, down-filled, and a football helmet".  Now, it seems that has morphed into bubble wrap?  WTF?

This is quite strange, and not in a good way.  I don't get it, nor do I find any of it funny.  I see attempts at humor, but very few will find anything funny here.

Story - none

Character - not much

Dialogue - Ok, not bad, not good.

Prose - not at all good.

Criteria - Well, we have a sewer, we have a whistle, and we have comedy, but the sewer part is extremely weak.  OK, I'll give you the points...guess I have to.

Quoted from Dreamscale ... Story - none ...

This is harsh Jeff.

Quoted from jayrex This is harsh Jeff.

Harsh?  How so?

It's true.  There is no story here, but you loved it for some reason.

There is a story. A simple coming of age tale wrapped up in a comedic quest vehicle.

You're not going to get War and Peace in 5 pages.


Of course, you maintain the right to not like the story, for whatever reason...

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films There is a story. A simple coming of age tale wrapped up in a comedic quest vehicle.

Coming of age?  They're 11 years old!  And they live in a small town that has sewer grates in everyone's backyard for some reason.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films You're not going to get War and Peace in 5 pages.

No, I doubt that.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Of course, you maintain the right to not like the story, for whatever reason...

I don't like there not being a story, nor do I like the premise, setup, or execution.

Quoted from Dreamscale Coming of age?  They're 11 years old!  And they live in a small town that has sewer grates in everyone's backyard for some reason. No, I doubt that. I don't like there not being a story, nor do I like the premise, setup, or execution.

It's obviously a very shitty place to live.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films It's obviously a very shitty place to live.

In my old house in Ireland.  There was a closed off sewer in our utility room.  An extension built onto the house. It’s not impossible.

Hi
I didn't understand why Barton needs it. Just to help Puffy have an adventure? And why would Dexter hang out with someone like Puffy?
I also didn't like the dialog on the first page - seems disjointed and also, Barton comes out of nowhere all of the sudden.
Did the boys even need the money?
This one doesn't come together for me. But good characters and good dialog past page 1.