An Abandoned Mine, a Golden Chalice and a Beast Named Blondie by Knock, Knock. Who's there? - Two young boys accept a "quest" from a strange neighbor. - Short, Comedy

Hi writer,

Quoted Text Behind him, a marshmallow struggles to keep up. Well, not a marshmallow.

This doesn’t really work for me.

Quoted Text Dexter pokes Puffy in the arm. POP. He pokes again. POP.

POP? Where is the pop coming from?

Quoted Text DEXTER Literally wrapped in bubble wrap. For a bike ride.

I think you should add this in the initial description. Set up what we see so we have the full picture initially.

Quoted Text BARTON It’s a magical item with special powers, bestowed upon me by my -- 2. PUFFY (O.S.) -- It’s a whistle.

Funny

Quoted Text BARTON Had my brother set it out. (to Puffy) I’ve been watching you. Thought you needed an adventure. And, since I needed company...

This exposition isn’t great. Would have been nice if we could have gotten there some other way. I realize that is hard with the page limit, but still.

The sewer really could have been anywhere, but it’s there.

I did laugh a few times and I can see the other attempts at comedy.

From the title I thought it might be a pisser, thank god it wasn’t.

Not bad at all.

All the best.

I quite liked this.

The boys adventure stuff worked nicely. I personally thought the stuff with the dog was a little dark compared to the tone of the rest of the script. It came across more as frightening than comedic in nature.

It's not bad. A couple of amusing moments in there.

I liked the bubble wrap going off with the the dog attack. Btw, I thought Puffy was a dog at first...

Old Man Barton's desperate attention seeking is a bit on the creepy side.

Another lighthearted script. This one works better for me. It's a cute little story.

Not laugh out loud funny, but humorous none-the-less. And a clever use of the whistle.

Only thing I didn't really like is the title. It's a mouthful. Lol

Really good work here.

I like this one.  My fav so far.  Enjoyable, fun to read, nice take on the whistle objective.  Good use of the sewer.  And possibly easy/cheap to film.

This one meets the objective for me easily.

I hate the opening Slug, but it's fine, I guess.

What follows is not fine, though.  I tried to copy/paste the passage here and it came out as gibberish - I mean even more gibberish than we see on the page which is very odd.

Anyways, Puffy, marshmallow, and this winter coat don't make any sense and the writing is extremely awkward.

So, first, Puffy is wearing "a thick winter coat, white, down-filled, and a football helmet".  Now, it seems that has morphed into bubble wrap?  WTF?

This is quite strange, and not in a good way.  I don't get it, nor do I find any of it funny.  I see attempts at humor, but very few will find anything funny here.

Story - none

Character - not much

Dialogue - Ok, not bad, not good.

Prose - not at all good.

Criteria - Well, we have a sewer, we have a whistle, and we have comedy, but the sewer part is extremely weak.  OK, I'll give you the points...guess I have to.

Quoted from Dreamscale ... Story - none ...

This is harsh Jeff.

Quoted from jayrex This is harsh Jeff.

Harsh?  How so?

It's true.  There is no story here, but you loved it for some reason.

There is a story. A simple coming of age tale wrapped up in a comedic quest vehicle.

You're not going to get War and Peace in 5 pages.


Of course, you maintain the right to not like the story, for whatever reason...

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films There is a story. A simple coming of age tale wrapped up in a comedic quest vehicle.

Coming of age?  They're 11 years old!  And they live in a small town that has sewer grates in everyone's backyard for some reason.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films You're not going to get War and Peace in 5 pages.

No, I doubt that.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Of course, you maintain the right to not like the story, for whatever reason...

I don't like there not being a story, nor do I like the premise, setup, or execution.

Quoted from Dreamscale Coming of age?  They're 11 years old!  And they live in a small town that has sewer grates in everyone's backyard for some reason. No, I doubt that. I don't like there not being a story, nor do I like the premise, setup, or execution.

It's obviously a very shitty place to live.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films It's obviously a very shitty place to live.

In my old house in Ireland.  There was a closed off sewer in our utility room.  An extension built onto the house. It’s not impossible.

Hi
I didn't understand why Barton needs it. Just to help Puffy have an adventure? And why would Dexter hang out with someone like Puffy?
I also didn't like the dialog on the first page - seems disjointed and also, Barton comes out of nowhere all of the sudden.
Did the boys even need the money?
This one doesn't come together for me. But good characters and good dialog past page 1.

Quoted from jayrex In my old house in Ireland.  There was a closed off sewer in our utility room.  An extension built onto the house. It’s not impossible.

No, nothing is "impossible", but with no setting "set", how do we know what is possible, or "regular"?

I was bored to death. The writing has no sparkle and seems very rushed. I zoned out half way through page 3.

Sort of had a Goonies vibe to it and for that I liked it.

But it's another that feels more like kids adventure than outright comedy.

Well apart from the vaguely creepy old man... he might be better as an old woman.

Loved the use of the whistle, niced touch.

I liked this up until the explanation is given for the adventure.  It’s fun, and it had one of the best visuals I’ve seen in a while, with the kid rolling towards the sewer grate while a dog is popping his jacket.

It’s well-written and meets all the criteria, but two things sort of nag at me — Barton kind of comes across as a bit of a perv, and why would he risk the boys getting hurt by the dog?  I guess that’s part of the adventure, but I’d want to maybe see some of that cleaned up if there was a rewrite.

Also, I’m afraid to ask what the adventure would be in the forbidden mountains.

Still good job here.

Haha.

Just past those two hairy boulders and there it is the Rod of Life.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Haha. Just past those two hairy boulders and there it is the Rod of Life.

  

It starts off slow and awkward. And you have a character named Puffy. I was against liking this. The setup is weak too, but with 5 pages to work with I bought into it.

The sewer hardly seemed like a sewer, but it served its purpose and it did connect to the other location, so okay, I'll buy that too.

I like the kooky angle with the dog whistle (nicely done making the whistle something different!) and stealing the "golden chalice", even though it was just a mug. I liked the spitting the dog whistle out, that make me smile. I liked that Puffy's weakness was turned into a strength and he was perfectly prepared for the dog attack. That was a nice sequence.

What I don't buy into is the ending. I wish Barton had been pulling a prank on one of his neighbours or something. Maybe stealing back a disputed trophy, or taking someone's favourite cup and adding it to his collection of "lost" items. You could even set that up with a lost poster in the beginning. Anything but what we got. His setting the boys up for "adventure" by making them walk through a sewer and get full-on attacked by a dog that was legit trying to bite them just doesn't work with the tone of the rest, and that he's doing it because he's lonely makes even less sense since they only spent minutes with him.

A couple of good characters, Dexter was flat. There certainly is a story here, and it isn't bad, it just needs a better setup and ending.

It was average for me. Some light hearted moments.  Well written.  

Hi Writer,

I enjoyed this one. A lighthearted adventure with some funny moments.

The "marshmallow" intro didn't work for me, I'd suggest changing that. At first, I thought Puffy was a dog or something like that, took me a moment to realize he was a person.

The bubble wrap was a nice touch, but you should introduce it before. It comes a little out of the blue imho.

Apart from that, I liked the characters and the dialogue. The story is rather simple, but at 5 pages, I'm not going to ask for more. It's okay.

There was a sewer, a whistle and some comedy, so criteria was met.

Overall, a good effort.

Well done,
David

This is one of my favorites so far.
The title screams adventure .  If I wrote this myself word for word. I couldn’t have came up with that title in a million years.  It made me think Indiana Jones for some reason.

The bicycle scene was good. Made me remember when I was a kid and would be riding and the chain would fly off. It was time to take it in for maintenance.  Would get WD-40 and handful of my dads tools and get to it.

Puffy really stole the show in this script. Poor kid with that many anxieties. I laughed when he opened the box. You gonna tell a kid something’s magic and don’t open until. Yeah right it’s getting opened first thing.

I thought it worked well how you had Barton exaggerate the conditions. He talked like they was going on a Indian Jones crusade .  Barton is good at is craft. He must be loaded throwing hundreds around.  Another really good relatable spot.  Feel sorry for him because he has to bribe kids just to have a little human interaction. I think he made the story up for himself, for his imagination.  Cause he knew he would have to bribe them.  Plus some older people get child like in their mind.  He can’t trudge the mines. So he has to live vicariously through them.

I’m glad to see Puffy step up to the plate. With his anxiety level ,he went wayyy out his comfort zone taking on the beast.  Actually his fear saved his butt. Thank goodness for bubble wrap.

Good job!

Hello writer

Wrapped in bubble wrap, brought a smile to my face - Puffy opening the box against instruction - another smile.

You have set Puffy up as being scared of everything but he got down in the sewer willingly enough - I guess the space we have on the page didn't allow for this tidbit of character development.

If I was to guess... and that's pretty much all I do in my reviews... I would say your first draft was over the 5-page limit and you had to do some chopping - there are moments and sentences which show signs of being hacked at.

and we circle back to the bubble wrap.... well done, I enjoyed that.

I appreciate the ending, but for me personally, it was a bit of a letdown... I quite liked the idea of a crazy old man sending kids on some kind of treasure hunt - the expectation vs reality angle - expectation = big adventure, treasure. reality = sewer, shitty cup.
It was nice, but the old man wasn't crazy ... he was doing something he thought was nice for the kids... I don't know how I wanted it to end really... I'll stop talking now.

Wait a sec... he is a crazy old man, who the fuck sends kids into the backyard of a savage dog for fun?... he's a bit sadistic, and he watches them? there's some creepy undertones here lol

Nicely written and polished, you know what you are doing when it comes to screenwriting - the story was sweet but would benefit from being longer (like quite a few entries) to develop the characters.

Nicely done writer, nicely done

What a great character Puffy is. A hundred-dollars seems like a lot of money to be offering kids--that’s grown-up money. Two points you might want to look at: 1) Barton revealing it was all a setup. This takes away from the boys’ sense of accomplishment, and 2) To prove his new-found confidence, maybe Puffy asks Barton if he has any more adventures in the offing.

I'm so happy I read to the end, otherwise all would have been lost. A nice veil of illusion you draped over the story but some of it was distracting (e.g. not showing us that he was wearing bubblewrap to explain the pops). A nice little adventure story with great characters and imagination.

Nicely done, writer.

An Abandoned Mine, A Golden Chalice And A Beast Named Blondie

Okay. Neat little story. It felt too constructed for me. I was quickly aware where it goes. However, a solid effort with some good characters.

This is a cute story. Sorry I didn't get to it in time to vote, one of three I missed.

No real criticism. I had been wondering why go through the sewer to a yard, but it was all neatly explained by the old man at the end.

Well done!

Just optioned this script to a group of teenaged filmmakers (rights retained.) Looking forward to seeing what they do with it.

I'll keep everyone posted.

Quoted from PKCardinal Just optioned this script to a group of teenaged filmmakers (rights retained.) Looking forward to seeing what they do with it. I'll keep everyone posted.

Awesome news, Dude. I always enjoy watching young amateurs take a crack at filmmaking.

Quoted from PKCardinal Just optioned this script to a group of teenaged filmmakers (rights retained.) Looking forward to seeing what they do with it. I'll keep everyone posted.

Congrats!