All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
The main characters were a little obnoxious, the story was pretty thin and it didn't even raise a smile to be perfectly blunt.
I think the ending with the whistle could be relatively funny if it was set up in some ironic way, like he's a major homophobe or something. but in the absence of anything like that, it's just a random occurrence.
Sorry, I feel like a lot of work went into this. It just didn't quite hit the spot for me.
If this wasn't part of the writer's tournament and I read that title and logline it would be an immediate hard pass, let's see how it goes.
The bro-siff dialogue is doing my head in.
Quoted Text
then pops her ass out and starts twerking hard against Luke’s crotch.
Completely lost interest at this point.
Quoted Text
FAST ZOOM to Luke’s left eye, into the dilated pupil. CUT TO: BLACK FADE IN:
Such a waste of space for a transition that adds nothing to the story.
Quoted Text
INT. JERONDA’S BEDROOM - MORNING Morning sunlight
No need to repeat "morning", you told us in the slug.
Quoted Text
Ya’ dig?
Not at all.
I'm seriously not a fan of the fact that I have to mark this as a comedy, there is literally nothing funny about any of it. I can see the attempts, they just fall completely flat, so this will unfortunately get the marks.
The dialogue and story are terrible. Would this be considered a pisser? Either way I imagine this will be one of, if not my least favourite of the batch.
That was somewhat funny and I could appreciate the ending. Actually laughed at the end some. At the same time that funny ending went over my head.
Id cut some of the dialog at the beginning. The only purpose it serves is to show he took too many x's. in 3 pages? Also you dont need the other dude at all, he doesnt play part inthis. Storywise its not much or super but the ending is great. Smart use of the whistle. Good characters, good dialog.
A rave in a sewer? Hmm, yep, it doesn't push credibility too much. I think you had fun writing this. There's nothing specifically wrong with the writing it's more the stereotypes of these characters that doesn't thrill me. I think if you're going to portray blotto numbskulls it'd be a nice idea to inject something unexpected.
The Fast Zoom into Luke's eye into the dilated pupil - hey, I'm all for pushing creativity via format but I thought it was going to be significant - turns out not really, you were just ramping things up style wise.
A bit predictable the plot and the denouement, but the actual writing is sound.
So the second straight script with a whistle in the ass. You're not endearing yourself to me.
Has the sewer, has the whistle, the humor is slight, but there, so criteria met.
The story is thin, and not much happening other than Luke goes to a sewer rave, makes it with a tranny and gets a whistle in the ass. It's practically "Pride and Prejudice" rewritten in five pages.
The writer obviously is very capable, but the story was lacking for me.
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
First 3 pages I'm thinking... this is written really well. I wish something was happening.
Last 2 pages I'm thinking... I wish this was written better and nothing was happening.
The rave in the sewer was unique, creative. The ending was boring. I've read basically the same thing on this site/in these challenges a bunch of different times. I guess I'm supposed to be shocked when something's in someone's butt, but I've seen it so many times now, I just sigh and think: "Again?"
You've got game. I wish you would apply it more creatively.
PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
The ending, of someone shocked/offended at finding themselves having had a same sex romp, maybe me but this feels from a different era.
What does this mean? Are you really saying a hetero male would be cool finding out he just had sex with a transvestite? Uhhh, I don't care what era it is, no one I associate would find this to be acceptable.
HAHA! That logline is almost identical to my last OWC entry! I hope you fare better than I did...
Dank-fest - Love it! OMG, these guys are talking the same smack as my two douchebag hunters in that OWC too!
Okay, I haven't read the other reviews yet so here it goes: Best yet! Yes, I laughed. Loved the story. Great characters and dialog. Fuck yeah, bro! Or Sis, if written by one of the ladies, but I doubt it. 5x5x5x5x5! Nicely done!