Whistle While You Twerk by Anonymous6 - Drugs, alcohol, and a rave in the sewer. What could possibly go wrong? - Short, Comedy

It didn't really work for me, I'm sorry to say.

The main characters were a little obnoxious, the story was pretty thin and it didn't even raise a smile to be perfectly blunt.

I think the ending with the whistle could be relatively funny if it was set up in some ironic way, like he's a major homophobe or something. but in the absence of anything like that, it's just a random occurrence.

Sorry, I feel like a lot of work went into this. It just didn't quite hit the spot for me.

Hi writer,

If this wasn't part of the writer's tournament and I read that title and logline it would be an immediate hard pass, let's see how it goes.

The bro-siff dialogue is doing my head in.

Quoted Text then pops her ass out and starts twerking hard against Luke’s crotch.

Completely lost interest at this point.

Quoted Text FAST ZOOM to Luke’s left eye, into the dilated pupil. CUT TO: BLACK FADE IN:

Such a waste of space for a transition that adds nothing to the story.

Quoted Text INT. JERONDA’S BEDROOM - MORNING Morning sunlight

No need to repeat "morning", you told us in the slug.

Quoted Text Ya’ dig?

Not at all.

I'm seriously not a fan of the fact that I have to mark this as a comedy, there is literally nothing funny about any of it. I can see the attempts, they just fall completely flat, so this will unfortunately get the marks.

The dialogue and story are terrible. Would this be considered a pisser? Either way I imagine this will be one of, if not my least favourite of the batch.

All the best.

Hello writer

Quoted Text It’s dark, dingy.

Seems obvious to me, it's a sewer after all.

I would like to say that a rave in a sewer is far fetched - But I don't think it is, I can imagine that happening.

I'm at the bottom of page 3 and I'm not sure what the story is, all I have so far is - Two friends go to an underground rave....

There isn't really a story here - it's hard to put one into 5 pages but the lack of story meant I couldn't really get into it.

It's not my type of humour but it is a comedy, others will love this sort of thing.

Good job on completing this with some tough parameters

That was somewhat funny and I could appreciate the ending. Actually laughed at the end some. At the same time that funny ending went over my head.

Id cut some of the dialog at the beginning. The only purpose it serves is to show he took too many x's. in 3 pages? Also you dont need the other dude at all, he doesnt play part inthis.
Storywise its not much or super but the ending is great. Smart use of the whistle. Good characters, good dialog.

Sorry for being incredibly boring but I'm going to give you this link regardless:

https://www.quickanddirtytips.com/education/grammar/lay-versus-lie
Example: Two figures lay on a bed underneath a hot pink comforter.
Should be: lie

A rave in a sewer? Hmm, yep, it doesn't push credibility too much.
I think you had fun writing this. There's nothing specifically wrong with the writing it's more the stereotypes of these characters that doesn't thrill me. I think if you're going to portray blotto numbskulls it'd be a nice idea to inject something unexpected.

The Fast Zoom into Luke's eye into the dilated pupil - hey, I'm all for pushing creativity via format but I thought it was going to be significant - turns out not really, you were just ramping things up style wise.

A bit predictable the plot and the denouement, but the actual writing is sound.

So the second straight script with a whistle in the ass. You're not endearing yourself to me.

Has the sewer, has the whistle, the humor is slight, but there, so criteria met.  

The story is thin, and not much happening other than Luke goes to a sewer rave, makes it with a tranny and gets a whistle in the ass. It's practically "Pride and Prejudice" rewritten in five pages.

The writer obviously is very capable, but the story was lacking for me.

First 3 pages I'm thinking... this is written really well. I wish something was happening.

Last 2 pages I'm thinking... I wish this was written better and nothing was happening.

The rave in the sewer was unique, creative. The ending was boring. I've read basically the same thing on this site/in these challenges a bunch of different times. I guess I'm supposed to be shocked when something's in someone's butt, but I've seen it so many times now, I just sigh and think: "Again?"

You've got game. I wish you would apply it more creatively.

The writing is okay in this but the chracters are a little cliche and their 'quest' too familar.

The ending, of someone shocked/offended at finding themselves having had a same sex romp, maybe me but this feels from a different era.

And why would Jeronda stick her fave whistle there of all places!

Whistle While You Twerk

Okay.

The exposition scene is a little dragging. The dialogue is actually repeating itself, could be cut to the essential, so, no true problem…

"couldn’t possibly dance any whiter." ouch, these metaphors… ah……………………

Oh, then the cliché of the dark-skinned transsexual…

No, no, sorry, please…

Quoted from AnthonyCawood The ending, of someone shocked/offended at finding themselves having had a same sex romp, maybe me but this feels from a different era.

What does this mean?  Are you really saying a hetero male would be cool finding out he just had sex with a transvestite?  Uhhh, I don't care what era it is, no one I associate would find this to be acceptable.

HAHA! That logline is almost identical to my last OWC entry! I hope you fare better than I did...

Dank-fest - Love it! OMG, these guys are talking the same smack as my two douchebag hunters in that OWC too!

Okay, I haven't read the other reviews yet so here it goes: Best yet! Yes, I laughed. Loved the story. Great characters and dialog. Fuck yeah, bro! Or Sis, if written by one of the ladies, but I doubt it. 5x5x5x5x5! Nicely done!

That's an interesting ending.  Didn't see that coming.

It's an okay story.  To go raving in a sewer.  Reminds me when I went raving in a disused metal works.

Implementing the whistle was straightforward in the rave scene.  The ending was I guess, off-side (soccer reference).

Not much of any comedy.   The ending I guess was the comedy aspect.  But the rest was like drama.

Hi Writer,

Second script I read with a whistle in the ass. (Sigh...)

Not my type of comedy, but I appreciate the effort.

I think that a rave in a sewer is an original take on the parameters, so kudos for that.

There was a sewer, a whistle and some humor, so the criteria was met.

The writing is good, you know how to write, just wish you opted for a more enjoyable story.

Good job on getting an entry in,
David

Based on the title and logline, I would never even open this up, but I guess I have to.

2 whole pages in and not 1 tiny amount of comedy.  Lots of "Bro dialogue" that goes nowhere.  Writing not good, missing words here and there, repeating words here and there, just overall dull.

OH yeah!!  There's a CUT TO:.  This is looking up for sure now.  Wow, shocking how much those transitions help the story and overall quality of the script.

HA!  And what we're cutting to is the exact same Slug, with a LATER in it.  How about just "LATER"?

"He’s having the time of his life." - He is?  Oh, cool.  Thanks for telling us!

"He couldn’t possibly dance any whiter." - This is very racist.  I'm offended!

"FAST ZOOM to Luke’s left eye, into the dilated pupil.CUT TOLACK  FADE IN:" - Oh, that was neat.  Thanks for that.  Quite a few wasted lines here.

lays/lies - please learn the difference for God's Sake!

Very sick, racist, sexist, gross.  I'm very offended.

Two dumb young guys looking for a party wherever they find it works here because of the location. But there was nothing different about this party despite its location. Why put it in a sewer, if it doesn’t end with the sewer equivalent of a pie-throwing fight? And the date-rape ending was not humorous.

Lol....loved it. My type of writer.   Anyone that has ever done the club scene can relate to at least one or more situations.  I try to fly my freak flag everyday . Not has high as Luke’s tho.

When you’re that young and looking for female action . You would literally party anywhere . Like a sewer. lol

Most of us have that friend who does nothing but complain the whole time.  We should have went here and should have done this.  Luke was relatable in that sense.

Luke prolly called him back for round two. Lol.  

The scene he couldn’t dance any more white. Lol. That’s so true. You dance with a ebony princess or in Lukes case , prince , you better have moves or you gonna look silly.

Well done.

Quoted from Dreamscale What does this mean?  Are you really saying a hetero male would be cool finding out he just had sex with a transvestite?  Uhhh, I don't care what era it is, no one I associate would find this to be acceptable.

Me neither. The very idea is disgusting. That's what makes me hetero.

Do we honestly live in a world now where it's not OK to be a hetero male?

Gay guys I know are disgusted by the smell of fish... does that make them bigots? No, they're just honest. Like I am. Most of the lesbians I know hate men, does that make them bigots? Well... OK with that one.

I didn't enjoy this story. It's a one-note joke stretched into an entire story. A lot of these stories I'm reading are not actual stories but scenes from movies. This one wasn't set up well enough. The protag needed to be set up as maybe a braggart who's really a virgin, or maybe somebody that hates gays and then he gets his comeuppance - that's almost a pun.

His reaction to finding out he'd slept with a man seemed underdone... as though he didn't actually mind that much. He's even bleeding from the arse. For most hetero men (and many gay ones) that would be the worst thing that could ever happen to them - aside from dying.

A weak effort this one... although I did enjoy the visual of the blond black woman until I found out it's actually a man. What a shame.

Written by an experienced screenwriter(who knows the "rules").

Dialog sounds way too familiar. As though maybe the writer is always inserting himself into his/her/their characters..

I don't really have anything to add on the story or the humor.

The writing is solid, I'll score it accordingly.

OMG laughing out loud at your title.

Really good writing on display here... GREAT dialogue as well(few words left out...could tell you were writing fast).

LOL @ rolling on X in a sewer!

OMG this is the funniest one so far to me. Rave in the sewer. On drugs. Oh lordy.

FAST ZOOM to Luke�s left eye, into the dilated pupil. LOL LOL LOL can see this on screen man!

OMG this was def the funniest to me so far. Could see the end coming though a mile away but still funny... the whistle part I did NOT see coming!

Great job writer.

First thought is how does these two characters get together? They are described as opposites.

Clever set-up with the partially dissolved pills at the bottom of the bottle. We'll see how this will play part later on.

Finished.

The comedy came late in this story, but was there. I could see the ending coming. Perhaps being a little more subtle would keep the surprise more of a surprise. Like not having Jeronda be a LOT larger for example.

You had a sewer, but I felt that this really could have taken place at any space that's large enough to hold a rave.

You did have a whistle and I enjoyed the way you used it here. That was funny. I bet no one else used it in the same way.

Finally, I think you should work in Ryan somewhere near the end too so that he didn't just disappear. I still don't get how these too guys that are complete opposites are together. Why not make them two skater types or two jocks. If they are opposites, I feel that you need to explain that to us a little. Related? Childhood friends?

A few typos, but otherwise written well enough.

All in all, good job.  

Quoted from Grandma Bear First thought is how does these two characters get together? They are described as opposites. Clever set-up with the partially dissolved pills at the bottom of the bottle. We'll see how this will play part later on. Finished. The comedy came late in this story, but was there. I could see the ending coming. Perhaps being a little more subtle would keep the surprise more of a surprise. Like not having Jeronda be a LOT larger for example. You had a sewer, but I felt that this really could have taken place at any space that's large enough to hold a rave. You did have a whistle and I enjoyed the way you used it here. That was funny. I bet no one else used it in the same way. Finally, I think you should work in Ryan somewhere near the end too so that he didn't just disappear. I still don't get how these too guys that are complete opposites are together. Why not make them two skater types or two jocks. If they are opposites, I feel that you need to explain that to us a little. Related? Childhood friends? A few typos, but otherwise written well enough. All in all, good job.

You'd think so, wouldn't you? But you'd be very, very wrong.

There were two recurring things in this round: IT and whistles in the ass.

This is better than I thought it was going to be. It was predictable, and it could be set up much stronger, but it does work. All the pieces are there, it just needs something to make the ending have a bigger impact. I'm not a fan of going homophobic just for the irony, but what if he bounds out of bed because he's late for a meeting or something and as surprising as it was that he had sex with a man, it's the whistle in his ass that's the real problem?

The characters and dialogue are strong. The writing is crude but good, it matches the tone very well. I wonder if this was a rush job, as good as it was it seems like it could have easily been better with more time.