Felix the Cat cartoons were popular in the silent film era. For some reason, they’re not popular anymore.  At least this story is in full color (right?).  I liked this script, and was impressed with the writing,  but can’t see the point of not having any dialogue.

I think this is done by a writer with much talent and a good sense of imagery. I mean that sincerely.

But I gave up after page 1.

Please don't be discouraged by that. There's a really talented writer at work here. But you're making me work too hard to read this, and when I see the last 4 pages are going to be like the first...which is sooooo close to being damn good...I check out.

I believe there were two things that interfered with the writer's ability to make this more readable. First is the page limitation. That resulted in constrained writing. Second is the attempt to force the writing to conform to some sense of preached screenwriting rules.

F'ck the rules! For that matter, f'ck the page limit. If you went 6 pages but it was readable I would have gone the distance.

Here are some minor examples of letting format interfere with the read:
- using foreman and custodian instead of the foreman and the custodian. I don't know what the so-called rule is on that, and I don't care. Writing it that way interferes with the reading.
- "Yeah, this story won�t be passing the Bechdel Test." Lose that. I appreciate taking some chances, but you have to be really sure it's funny. You're working with limited space.
- "The machine bucks, gauges go haywire, steam pours from the
pipes, and the alarmed Worker rings a bell twice." This was close to good writing, and will be with a polish. But the problem is this: you are trying to portray that the machine is going haywire, but as I'm first reading the words I thought that was just how the machine normally operated.

I have no idea who this writer is, but I absolutely want to be encouraging. Not because I'm nice, I'm not, ask anyone. But because I think the writer is talented.

A script with all action is by nature usually dense with description. Which is fine! But it has to read as smooth as a short story. Don't worry about what someone says the rules are...that's a fantasy designed by people who invented screenwriting schools. Just make it easy to read.

To the writer's credit, once you do get past the dullness of what's on page, the images, and indeed the animation are quite charming.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films To the writer's credit, once you do get past the dullness of what's on page, the images, and indeed the animation are quite charming.

I think you're right. I read page one a few times, skimmed the rest. There's a writer here for sure. It feels like something that would come together nice with a polish. Some of the more veteran writers here polish as they go, comes with experience.

Greetings,

Nice little story. At first I was a little confused with all the music . I thought it was a no no to add specific music to spec ? If you needed music , you are supposed to write “ Rock song plays,” or whatever. I think most of what you picked isn’t copyrighted due to age of the piece? I’ll shut up about the music. I’m asking more than telling btw.

I went to YouTube , played the songs on low  and reread as it was playing.  While it was hard to concentrate on both listening and reading. It made the story come to life for me a little easier.

I thought the beaver was funny. I thought he was nervous for himself and the whole time he was worried about the monster.  

The foreman telling the monster to observe safety was to good too. Making him put on a hard hat.

With the music and no dialogue it reminded me of oldie  cartoons . Like the smoke stakes. Have them expanding and contracting as they puff the smoke. I hope that visual makes sense .

Good job.

I'm picturing a black and white cartoon here. Like old Mickey Mouse stuff.

I guess not, since they have yellow hard hats, lol.

Finished.

I have mixed feelings here. I'm sure if I watched this, I would like it. A lot even. Those old cartoons often had so much detail in them that you could watch them over and over and discover some new detail every time. I'm also sure that the music would be absolutely perfect for it.

The story would work well too with some irony at the end.

As a read however, this was a slog to get through. To help ease that, I would suggest a much leaner style of writing and breaking up some of the paragraphs.

I also got tired of having to Google nearly every single music piece. Not all, but most.  

You get an A+ for imagination, attention to detail and challenge criteria, but a C- for giving the reader a hard time.

Everything I've learned in life is based off Bugs Bunny and Winnie the Pooh so I was able to envision the entire story. What threw me was all the specific music, which I'm sure would all be fitting but I'm not familiar with it by name.

A very laborious read but very cool with a Fritz Freiling vibe.

Most, if not all the comedy is visual, so I get it. Good job.

Story and prose, top notch. The whistle...I read it as a steam whistle for break or shift change, but was that it?

Good work, writer.

It took a while to get going, there's just too many pointless things being described. The beginning is a real slog to get through, but once it hits its stride it works really well. The visuals harken to the classic cartoons you were going for, and they work.

I thought it could have used just a smidgen of dialogue, just from the foreman, like the old Mickey Mouse cartoons that had maybe five lines in the whole thing. But it works without dialogue, so that's nitpicking. It's actually harder to avoid dialogue in this, so good on you.

I would have liked even more cartoon antics, like the smokestacks actually puffing out smoke, people keeling over in the Custodian's wake when he enters the break room, a whirlwind around them as he fights the beaver, stuff like that. I'd prefer that to reading every detail of the production. But again, nitpicking.

The ending works great. I didn't expect a monster, I thought the beaver just knew what would happen when the Custodian suddenly unstoppers a high pressure backlog of sewage and expected the whole factory to explode in a geyser of waste like they struck oil. That could have been funny too, but the monster being scolded for not having a hardhat fits the tone perfectly.

Overall, not bad. The writing is decent but could be better. The lack of dialogue doesn't hurt this, it fits with the framework of an old timey cartoon. The characters felt right. The prose suffers with overload at the start but gets much better halfway through, and the ending is satisfying.

Crappy Job

Hard to judge here because this clearly wasn't a concept I saw coming. The characters having no names, unclear imagery, and the whole execution of the ongoing song 'concept'…  I just couldn't identify with the story and missed orientation.  There was a slight tone of that satiric cartoon world but it collapsed. It could be cool if the vibe is modern and more touchable. Just not there yet.

I have to take the credit and blame for this polarizing piece.

For those of you who saw the style of an early Golden Age cartoon, you were entirely correct that it was my intention. Someone with a better music collection might be able to find better scores for the background, in particular "Happy Worker" probably is not the right tune to use. It has the right sentiment, but it's from the wrong era.

For those of you who found the script a slog to read, you were also entirely correct. This kind of animated short would typically be planned as a storyboard rather than a screenplay formatted text. The comments about missing words mystify me, though. Far as I can tell, it's written in the same staccato typical of screenplay action, and no action block exceeds four lines.

Does switching between "Custodian" and "the Custodian" really throw people off that much? No one who read Who Wants to Be a Princess? ever complained about "Herald" and "the Herald" or "Cocky Red Knight" and "the Cocky Red Knight." If it causes readers a problem, I'll work to avoid those switches in the future.

Reviewers claiming a lack of comedy also confuse me. Even if you weren't imagining this with the kind of exaggerated movements of a Steamboat Willie cartoon, there were plenty of sight gags to at least register as an attempt at funniness.

Reading over this, the scene with the pick can be cut to get to story moving along faster. The poor Custodian can mope from the break room into the Foreman's view and get sent down without any rest. Even without the pick scene, there are enough instances to demonstrate the whistle stopping him before its true power is revealed during the fall.

The bit with rapping the pipe needs something, too. Easy enough to have the pipe engage in a pseudo-conversation with the Custodian (delayed echoes, multiple echoes, displaced echoes), but it would need the space from the jettisoned pick scene.

I'm also not happy with the title. I realized after submitting it that no kid-friendly cartoon from that era would have such a crude title. "Dirty Job" perhaps.

The "series of shots" sequences would look bizarre if formatted formally, though it would add a considerable amount of white space. Again, it's the kind of thing that lends itself to a storyboard but not written text.

For anyone curious, "Happy Worker" is from the soundtrack of Toys, and the lyrics are copied below. I bolded the part synced by beefy Worker.

Quoted Text Lapping up the smoke from a factory chimney Marching to the beat of a heart within me Hey ho, hey ho, we're off to work again Bells are ringing, we are singing, joyous in our industry I love my job He loves his job Pull that lever Start the engine Pump the water, build the pressure, push the piston, press the button Pump the water, build the pressure, push the piston, press the button It's the perfect job Happy workers Happy workers Happy workers Happy workers I love my job He loves his job Pull that lever Start the engine Pump the water, build the pressure, push the piston, press the button Pump the water, build the pressure, push the piston, press the button Pump the water, build the pressure, push the piston, press the button It's the perfect job Happy workers Happy workers Happy workers Happy workers I love my job He loves his job Pull that lever Sister, start the engine Pump the water, yeah Honey, build the pressure Pump the water, build the pressure, push the piston, press the button It's the perfect job Happy workers Happy workers Happy workers Happy workers I love my job He loves his job Pull that lever Sister, start the engine Pump the water, yeah Honey, build the pressure Pump the water, build the pressure, push the piston, press the button It's the perfect job

I've never heard an acoustic version of this song, and I doubt one even exists, but that's what would fit here. If this were to actually be made into a cartoon, a music expert could point out a more period-appropriate tune.

Thanks again for all the reads and comments, definitely helping me build my craft as a writer.

It was a brave effort, Frank. I still think this would be better in black and white as an homage to the old Buster Keaton films. I'd like the chance to write something similar myself. Not your story, obviously. I am working on an anthology of shorts (one is The Invisible Collection) that will definitely be produced.. the only trouble with an idea like this is having a director on board with it. I'm not a director and nor could I ever pretend to be. I'm a simple story maker. Direction is a whole different talent... and it takes talent to be a good one. Just like with us.

Anyway, I'm rambling. This was a great effort and deserved more praise from a craft point of view, IMO. You should be pleased with this effort.

Yes,  I was initially harsh on it, then grew to appreciate it more. Sometimes you need a moment with a script, and its own environment.

Hi Frank.

"Custodian" vs "the custodian"

It wouldn't matter as much in most scripts. But your script was very much action and description based. And in that kind of story it's very important that the words flow. I am not against you doing it that way because there's a rule that applies. It was just an example of how the words didn't flow as well as they need to.

But I meant what I said. I think you're a talented writer. Writing is rewriting and polishing. There was not much time to do that, and this was a wordy story. Time worked against you.

You can tell I liked it, and it was considerably higher on my score card. You went for unconventional and got pummeled for it, but I applaud the effort. You should be proud for being able to write convincingly in this style, I don't think I could do it.

I think everyone agrees the writer has a ton of talent. I don't know Frank, and that was my opinion solely based on the work. It might help the writer to work in prose also, if he doesn't already.