Crappy Job by Frank MacCrory (FrankM)  writing as Dam Impressive - Short, Comedy - During the Great Depression, a desperate young man takes the worst job in a factory. The closer he gets to finishing his task, the worse things get. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Someone trying to go for that five in dialogue by having no dialogue at all! I like your style but you're Shooting for the Moon.


It was a laborious read. With so much information about small, dull processes, it was like reading a technical manual. If I was being completely honest, I'd say it was about as funny as Arse Aids, but let's just say the type of humour on display here doesn't jive with mine.

I think it was too convoluted a story to tell without dialogue, especially when you focus so much on the minutiae of the plant's processes.

Hi writer,

Quoted Text EXT. FACTORY - DAY - ESTABLISHING

I've never quite understood the point of an establishing shot. What difference would it make if you left out the work ESTABLISHING?

I just started the song, will listen as I read.

Okay, stopping the song. Not a fan.

Halfway through page two and I'm not even sensing an attempt at comedy, it's all very depressing.

Quoted Text Series of shots of Custodian digging at the blockage to show passage of time.

So are you just telling us to imagine a series of shots? That's not really how a script works. If you have a series of shots in mind, describe them to us, even if they are just shots of him digging.

Although this is all action no dialogue, you're still attempting to write it lean, but you're doing so by omitting words that affect the read, like this:

Quoted Text [Workers hold noses

I'm sorry, I really don't do this often but I'm tapping out early. I cant see any comedy, maybe it comes later. This is just a really hard slog to get through and it's only 5 pages.

I might check back in after I'm finished the rest and before I cast my vote, but for now its just too much.

All the best.

Another very ambitious take...

I'd say you're a natural prose writer.
The level of detail, cast, crew, and locations, for a five pager just seemed too much for me.

A screenplay, even with a lot going on, needs to jump off the page and enthrall me in a different way to reading a novel.

You have some great visuals in this but it was too dense for me writing wise and I found myself doing the ol' scan.
As with Underneath The Streets Of New York this one is admirable re how much work and attention to detail you've put in.

P.S. You have put so much into this I think it deserves a more inspired title.

Hello writer

Crappy Job = Crappy title. Sorry, couldn't resist.

1 page down - Is all the action to the beat of the music? Maybe it would be funnier if I was listening to the song... I'm at work so I can't.

OK OK - no dialogue in this - That is not a bad thing, it's a brave move and sometimes dialogue just gets in the way. BUT, dialogue is wonderful at breaking up a page, helping with the flow of a read - without the dialogue doing that, the action needs to be succinct - this isn't.
The result is large blocks of action and description without dialogue to break it up = a struggle of a read.

I commend your bravery in doing this, I just don't think it has paid off.

Quoted Text Series of shots of Custodian digging at the blockage to show passage of time.

That doesn't work - and a missed opportunity to break the page up here.

Some passages are quite overwritten - You can cut this down a lot

I feel like there is a funny story here - one that would be much, much funnier as a film rather than a script - But the story is buried in so many words it is hard to find it.

With a good old choppity-chop of the excess, this could be quite good. The comedy is definitely there so criteria met

you put a lot of effort and thought into this - Well done.

Thank God, oh writer of Crappy Job.  You have saved me from an evening of drudgery and regret over reading script after script of shit jokes.

As a child growing up on Bugs Bunny/Roadrunner and other Hanna/Barbera classics, I can appreciate a great little piece like this.  I'm sure some will ding you points for no dialogue, but I think this works perfectly fine without it.  THe only thing I will ding you for is utilizing Frank Mills "Music Box Dancer."  That is fate worse than death for me.

This is the most imaginative script I read during the first two weeks of the challenge.  Great job here.

Well, I wish the others would have given it a full read.

This is ambitious, and it works for me. I loved it.

Hawkeye had it right in his review. There are several cartoon classics that incorporate classical music as the backdrop. This fits right in. (He was also right about Music Box Dancer... and so was your character.)

Is it overwritten? I don't know. Maybe. I don't care. This was fantastic. A most excellent job, and a risk worth taking.

Quoted from PKCardinal This was fantastic. A most excellent job, and a risk worth taking.

After this review I thought I'd return early.

It's okay. I can’t see anything fantastic personally. I think a lot of the issue for me is the specific music choices. You may know them very well and in your head it all complements the script perfectly. I don’t know them, other than the one I started and disliked, but you can’t expect people to know all that music, or to look into it and see how it complements the piece.

It’s a good effort with no dialogue, I do think he writing needs a fair bit of work though.

Quoted Text at a cabinet labeled “Safety.” INT. FACTORY FLOOR - DAY Sewer Monster, now wearing a yellow hardhat, continues to chase Workers to and fro as “Happy Worker” plays.

This made me laugh, so there was definitely comedy on a second pass.

I didn’t love it, didn’t hate it. Middle of the road for me. Was still a slog to get through.

Hugely ambitious script but delivers zero comedy.

Where’s the bobble heads when you need them?  The funniest Rd 1 script was funnier than all of these in Rd 2 put together.  Why is comedy such a hard genre for most? It’s baffling...

I've read it three times now.

I can credit the attempt but its a brutal read, and there is so much time spent on menial stuff.

It's a one gag script. All you need is an image showing the machine's broken.
One image showing him failing to dig.
One image showing the boss unhappy at the money situation.
One image showing the jackhammer.

Then the dynamite, then the gag.

The rest just slows it to a painful crawl.

Maybe film it in black and white... change the music to something older and more public domain. This does suffer through no dialogue. I'm kinda seeing this as Buster Keaton thing and even he would resort to speech now and again with those 'speech cards' (apologies, I don't know the technical term) to feed necessary exposition.

Code Foreman beckons to a lanky, yellow-hatted CUSTODIAN (20) who rushes over. Foreman points to the vibrating Waste gauge. Custodian gulps, points to his chest. Foreman scowls, nods forcefully, points at a circular hatch in the floor.

The above is an example where a speech card or dialogue would have helped. You stretched things here and this should lose marks.

Code Here, the music is Peter Tchaikovsky’s “Marche Slave.”

Who can resist Tchaikovsky first thing in the morning? Listening as I read... with pleasure.

I've never heard 'Happy Worker'... not that I can gladly remmeber, anyway. I have no intention of Googling Tori Amos. I have heard of her (him?) but I'm an old skool raver and hip hop fan. Commercial music irritates me for lots of reasons.

Code Ludwig van Beethoven’s “Symphony No. 5 in C Minor

Better.

Never heard of Frank Mills. Sorry.

Code Gioachino Rossini's “William Tell Overture”

I like the trick with the music. It's a decent effort for 72 hours work. Using the music to convey mood and even tell the story to some degree. Once Rossini's (by the way, you don't need to use first names - everybody knows who Rossini is) William Tell Overture gets past the first couple of minutes it's a very beautiful piece of music. So, I'm assuming you only want me to take the first minute for this visual?

Code Holt's “Mars, Bringer of War” plays ominously.

How else could it play?

This is a very brave attempt and I have enjoyed revisiting some great music. Unfortunately, I enjoyed the music far more than I did what was going on on screen. In fact, I'd watch this for the music. I'd be about to switch it off and another track would play.

It does have funny moments and is a very brave try. The trick with this perhaps is in getting the music just right. Some of your choices may not quite play out how you expect. You need to be more specific on which part of the musical pieces you want to use as they can change quite considerably from one minute to the next.

This is an ambitious attempt at something different, but for me it just doesn;t work in the context of the challenge.

The comedy is almost non-existent (to me at least) and the whistle seems unimportant. It read like it could be from an animated take on Brazil or 1984... certainly had a Soviet Russian feel to it... not known as ahub of comedy.

The writing is very dense, not helped by the lack of dialogue- which I know is an intentional stylictic choice.

This feels like it may work better as straight prose.

The one quote that springs to mind is, "Are you not entertained?"  

No, no I wasn't.

It's an accomplishment to create a story with no dialogue.  But the comedy was sacrificed.

This to me doesn't meet the criteria.

It's not funny watching someone try to break up a fatberg.

Sorry.  This one was not for me.

No reason to include "ESTABLISHING" in your Slug.

"Cartoon rendering of a Depression-era factory running half a dozen smokestacks at full power. Sign reads “Worldwide Whoozits and Whatzits.”" - Hmmm, what am I supposed to see here?  Several confusing things for me...

"Cartoon rendering" - so, this is animated?  Both sentences omit (Shit, can't remember what it is exactly) a word in the very front, which makes then read very oddly.

We have music?

And, now we have this lovely aside, "Yeah, this story won’t be passing the Bechdel Test."

No dialogue?  Oh boy, this is going to be a slog, as the writing is so sterile, so dull, so "this/that".  I'm absolutely hatting this.

"Custodian glumly raps the large “Waste: Number Two” pipe with a wrench. The pipe responds with a hollow sound, so the Custodian moves on." - So, here's a perfect example of what I'm talking about - You start with "Custodian", then in the 2nd sentence, you have "the Custodian".

Ah, from acoustic Tori Amos to Tchaikovsky.  Really?

I feel like I'm reading a very long, detailed shopping list.  This is as dull as dull gets.

"Series of shots of Custodian digging at the blockage to show passage of time. He stops mid-step when a loud STEAM WHISTLE blows O.S., shoulders his shovel, heads back toward the steam tunnels and factory." - Huh?  Where's the Series of Shots?  Is this the whistle here?  Hope that's not all.

By the way, I thought this was supposed to be a comedy?  Not a single attempt at humor so far and the tone is just plain odd, not comedic at all.

"Many Workers mills around tables and a water cooler. The room is filled indistinct banter and laughter." - Wow, the writing is just terrible, sorry to say.  Incorrect words, missing words.  The slog is bigger than I expected - especially with no dialogue.

"The music here is still “Happy Worker.”" - It is?  I thought Tchaikovsky was playing?

I'm sorry, I can't take anymore.  The writing is just terrible, almost as if you're trying to skip words to save space.  It's just way too much, ZERO comedy.

Appears you took a chance here, and for me, it's an epic fail.

Hi Writer,

This one is both ambitious and brave. An admirable effort.

The writing is great, and the attention to detail you put, extraordinary.

It quite didn't work for me though; it was too dense. I started rushing a little after page three to get to the end faster (which, by the way, was my favorite part).

The visuals were pretty good. I think that it would work a lot better on screen than on the page. I don't know why, but I imagined it in black and white, like the old cartoons (Felix the Cat, Betty Boop, etc.).

Sorry, but I can't say more. I don't know, I have kind of mixed feelings about it. I know you wrote something unique, but I couldn’t bring myself to like the script in its entirety.

Good job anyway,
David

Felix the Cat cartoons were popular in the silent film era. For some reason, they’re not popular anymore.  At least this story is in full color (right?).  I liked this script, and was impressed with the writing,  but can’t see the point of not having any dialogue.

I think this is done by a writer with much talent and a good sense of imagery. I mean that sincerely.

But I gave up after page 1.

Please don't be discouraged by that. There's a really talented writer at work here. But you're making me work too hard to read this, and when I see the last 4 pages are going to be like the first...which is sooooo close to being damn good...I check out.

I believe there were two things that interfered with the writer's ability to make this more readable. First is the page limitation. That resulted in constrained writing. Second is the attempt to force the writing to conform to some sense of preached screenwriting rules.

F'ck the rules! For that matter, f'ck the page limit. If you went 6 pages but it was readable I would have gone the distance.

Here are some minor examples of letting format interfere with the read:
- using foreman and custodian instead of the foreman and the custodian. I don't know what the so-called rule is on that, and I don't care. Writing it that way interferes with the reading.
- "Yeah, this story won�t be passing the Bechdel Test." Lose that. I appreciate taking some chances, but you have to be really sure it's funny. You're working with limited space.
- "The machine bucks, gauges go haywire, steam pours from the
pipes, and the alarmed Worker rings a bell twice." This was close to good writing, and will be with a polish. But the problem is this: you are trying to portray that the machine is going haywire, but as I'm first reading the words I thought that was just how the machine normally operated.

I have no idea who this writer is, but I absolutely want to be encouraging. Not because I'm nice, I'm not, ask anyone. But because I think the writer is talented.

A script with all action is by nature usually dense with description. Which is fine! But it has to read as smooth as a short story. Don't worry about what someone says the rules are...that's a fantasy designed by people who invented screenwriting schools. Just make it easy to read.

To the writer's credit, once you do get past the dullness of what's on page, the images, and indeed the animation are quite charming.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films To the writer's credit, once you do get past the dullness of what's on page, the images, and indeed the animation are quite charming.

I think you're right. I read page one a few times, skimmed the rest. There's a writer here for sure. It feels like something that would come together nice with a polish. Some of the more veteran writers here polish as they go, comes with experience.

Greetings,

Nice little story. At first I was a little confused with all the music . I thought it was a no no to add specific music to spec ? If you needed music , you are supposed to write “ Rock song plays,” or whatever. I think most of what you picked isn’t copyrighted due to age of the piece? I’ll shut up about the music. I’m asking more than telling btw.

I went to YouTube , played the songs on low  and reread as it was playing.  While it was hard to concentrate on both listening and reading. It made the story come to life for me a little easier.

I thought the beaver was funny. I thought he was nervous for himself and the whole time he was worried about the monster.  

The foreman telling the monster to observe safety was to good too. Making him put on a hard hat.

With the music and no dialogue it reminded me of oldie  cartoons . Like the smoke stakes. Have them expanding and contracting as they puff the smoke. I hope that visual makes sense .

Good job.

I'm picturing a black and white cartoon here. Like old Mickey Mouse stuff.

I guess not, since they have yellow hard hats, lol.

Finished.

I have mixed feelings here. I'm sure if I watched this, I would like it. A lot even. Those old cartoons often had so much detail in them that you could watch them over and over and discover some new detail every time. I'm also sure that the music would be absolutely perfect for it.

The story would work well too with some irony at the end.

As a read however, this was a slog to get through. To help ease that, I would suggest a much leaner style of writing and breaking up some of the paragraphs.

I also got tired of having to Google nearly every single music piece. Not all, but most.  

You get an A+ for imagination, attention to detail and challenge criteria, but a C- for giving the reader a hard time.

Everything I've learned in life is based off Bugs Bunny and Winnie the Pooh so I was able to envision the entire story. What threw me was all the specific music, which I'm sure would all be fitting but I'm not familiar with it by name.

A very laborious read but very cool with a Fritz Freiling vibe.

Most, if not all the comedy is visual, so I get it. Good job.

Story and prose, top notch. The whistle...I read it as a steam whistle for break or shift change, but was that it?

Good work, writer.

It took a while to get going, there's just too many pointless things being described. The beginning is a real slog to get through, but once it hits its stride it works really well. The visuals harken to the classic cartoons you were going for, and they work.

I thought it could have used just a smidgen of dialogue, just from the foreman, like the old Mickey Mouse cartoons that had maybe five lines in the whole thing. But it works without dialogue, so that's nitpicking. It's actually harder to avoid dialogue in this, so good on you.

I would have liked even more cartoon antics, like the smokestacks actually puffing out smoke, people keeling over in the Custodian's wake when he enters the break room, a whirlwind around them as he fights the beaver, stuff like that. I'd prefer that to reading every detail of the production. But again, nitpicking.

The ending works great. I didn't expect a monster, I thought the beaver just knew what would happen when the Custodian suddenly unstoppers a high pressure backlog of sewage and expected the whole factory to explode in a geyser of waste like they struck oil. That could have been funny too, but the monster being scolded for not having a hardhat fits the tone perfectly.

Overall, not bad. The writing is decent but could be better. The lack of dialogue doesn't hurt this, it fits with the framework of an old timey cartoon. The characters felt right. The prose suffers with overload at the start but gets much better halfway through, and the ending is satisfying.

Crappy Job

Hard to judge here because this clearly wasn't a concept I saw coming. The characters having no names, unclear imagery, and the whole execution of the ongoing song 'concept'…  I just couldn't identify with the story and missed orientation.  There was a slight tone of that satiric cartoon world but it collapsed. It could be cool if the vibe is modern and more touchable. Just not there yet.

I have to take the credit and blame for this polarizing piece.

For those of you who saw the style of an early Golden Age cartoon, you were entirely correct that it was my intention. Someone with a better music collection might be able to find better scores for the background, in particular "Happy Worker" probably is not the right tune to use. It has the right sentiment, but it's from the wrong era.

For those of you who found the script a slog to read, you were also entirely correct. This kind of animated short would typically be planned as a storyboard rather than a screenplay formatted text. The comments about missing words mystify me, though. Far as I can tell, it's written in the same staccato typical of screenplay action, and no action block exceeds four lines.

Does switching between "Custodian" and "the Custodian" really throw people off that much? No one who read Who Wants to Be a Princess? ever complained about "Herald" and "the Herald" or "Cocky Red Knight" and "the Cocky Red Knight." If it causes readers a problem, I'll work to avoid those switches in the future.

Reviewers claiming a lack of comedy also confuse me. Even if you weren't imagining this with the kind of exaggerated movements of a Steamboat Willie cartoon, there were plenty of sight gags to at least register as an attempt at funniness.

Reading over this, the scene with the pick can be cut to get to story moving along faster. The poor Custodian can mope from the break room into the Foreman's view and get sent down without any rest. Even without the pick scene, there are enough instances to demonstrate the whistle stopping him before its true power is revealed during the fall.

The bit with rapping the pipe needs something, too. Easy enough to have the pipe engage in a pseudo-conversation with the Custodian (delayed echoes, multiple echoes, displaced echoes), but it would need the space from the jettisoned pick scene.

I'm also not happy with the title. I realized after submitting it that no kid-friendly cartoon from that era would have such a crude title. "Dirty Job" perhaps.

The "series of shots" sequences would look bizarre if formatted formally, though it would add a considerable amount of white space. Again, it's the kind of thing that lends itself to a storyboard but not written text.

For anyone curious, "Happy Worker" is from the soundtrack of Toys, and the lyrics are copied below. I bolded the part synced by beefy Worker.

Quoted Text Lapping up the smoke from a factory chimney Marching to the beat of a heart within me Hey ho, hey ho, we're off to work again Bells are ringing, we are singing, joyous in our industry I love my job He loves his job Pull that lever Start the engine Pump the water, build the pressure, push the piston, press the button Pump the water, build the pressure, push the piston, press the button It's the perfect job Happy workers Happy workers Happy workers Happy workers I love my job He loves his job Pull that lever Start the engine Pump the water, build the pressure, push the piston, press the button Pump the water, build the pressure, push the piston, press the button Pump the water, build the pressure, push the piston, press the button It's the perfect job Happy workers Happy workers Happy workers Happy workers I love my job He loves his job Pull that lever Sister, start the engine Pump the water, yeah Honey, build the pressure Pump the water, build the pressure, push the piston, press the button It's the perfect job Happy workers Happy workers Happy workers Happy workers I love my job He loves his job Pull that lever Sister, start the engine Pump the water, yeah Honey, build the pressure Pump the water, build the pressure, push the piston, press the button It's the perfect job

I've never heard an acoustic version of this song, and I doubt one even exists, but that's what would fit here. If this were to actually be made into a cartoon, a music expert could point out a more period-appropriate tune.

Thanks again for all the reads and comments, definitely helping me build my craft as a writer.

It was a brave effort, Frank. I still think this would be better in black and white as an homage to the old Buster Keaton films. I'd like the chance to write something similar myself. Not your story, obviously. I am working on an anthology of shorts (one is The Invisible Collection) that will definitely be produced.. the only trouble with an idea like this is having a director on board with it. I'm not a director and nor could I ever pretend to be. I'm a simple story maker. Direction is a whole different talent... and it takes talent to be a good one. Just like with us.

Anyway, I'm rambling. This was a great effort and deserved more praise from a craft point of view, IMO. You should be pleased with this effort.

Yes,  I was initially harsh on it, then grew to appreciate it more. Sometimes you need a moment with a script, and its own environment.

Hi Frank.

"Custodian" vs "the custodian"

It wouldn't matter as much in most scripts. But your script was very much action and description based. And in that kind of story it's very important that the words flow. I am not against you doing it that way because there's a rule that applies. It was just an example of how the words didn't flow as well as they need to.

But I meant what I said. I think you're a talented writer. Writing is rewriting and polishing. There was not much time to do that, and this was a wordy story. Time worked against you.

You can tell I liked it, and it was considerably higher on my score card. You went for unconventional and got pummeled for it, but I applaud the effort. You should be proud for being able to write convincingly in this style, I don't think I could do it.

I think everyone agrees the writer has a ton of talent. I don't know Frank, and that was my opinion solely based on the work. It might help the writer to work in prose also, if he doesn't already.

Quoted from leitskev I think everyone agrees the writer has a ton of talent. I don't know Frank, and that was my opinion solely based on the work. It might help the writer to work in prose also, if he doesn't already.

Thanks for the kind words everyone. Part of the technical writing I do for work involves "background" and "discussion" written in prose. That's non-fiction, but honing the craft of telling a story is still very helpful in that sphere.

"There was once a datum, but he was lonely. He invited over millions of his closest friends, and together they became data..." -- said no researcher ever.