Rats by Snake Plissken - Two policemen have to go after an escaped convict into a sewer, but what lies below presents one of them with a challenge. 4 pages - Short, Comedy

Some nice rat work, down there in the dark. The script was at its best when they were passing the giant rat back and forth. That felt like a real comedy film.

Groom and Fratellli had some nice potential for a Buddy Movie. It's written by someone with a decent understanding of movie genre.

It's not amazing, but it's not bad at all.

Hi writer,

Quoted Text Fratelli has had enough.

This could be more visual. Does he clench his jaw, does he roll his eyes?

Quoted Text is a murky brown water.

Drop the "a".

The way these two are talking to each other makes it hard to like either of them.

The writing could be more visual as a whole. The story isn't anything special and the ending feels tacked on. The dialogue is quite unnatural as well.

Congrats on getting an entry in, not quite my cup of tea.

All the best.

Hi Writer

Not the most imaginative of titles. Especially in a tournament where you want to try and stand out and above the rest.

Quoted Text GROOM GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

I really don't like it when this kinda stuff makes it into dialogue - makes the script look amateurish

This was alright, a bit meh - I don't think it will stick in the mind and will fade into obscurity.

The writing was pretty solid, not much Character to the cops or the convict, some of the comedy dialogue felt a bit forced. The ending felt a bit flat but you didn't resort to toilet humour and shoving whistles up asses so that's a bonus.

Good effort with this tough challenge

I thought Groom had plenty of character. Not much from Fratelli or Danks.

The physical humour works well in this. The fight sequence is a little too serious though, it should have been more slapstick but it reads like an intense fight, tonally off with the rest.

The ending is weak. There's nothing satisfying about it. Groom's line about a black cop shooting a white guy is out of place too, and Fratelli didn't seem all that bothered to be down in the sewer, he doesn't have a mark on him. Groom should be the one with the vendetta, he should be the one to come up with the just punishment for Danks.

The writing is pretty good, and you did meet the criteria. Not bad, not great.

Opening Slug not very creative.  You could have easily spent 3 minutes and came up with a real Manhattan street.

And then you repeat your Slug in the passage that follows.  Not good.

Another giant rat, huh?  Damn, these things are big in these scripts.

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" - If you're writing a pisser, this is fine, as is "Argh", but if it's  not a pisser, keep dialogue like this off the page.  Please.

The end.  Not for me.  Tone is all over the place, comedy is scarce.

Story - About as simple as they come.

Characters - hit and miss

Dialogue - Hit and miss

Prose - It's mostly pretty good, but suffers at times.

Criteria - Sewer - Check, comedy - Check, whistle - Check, but that whistle is pretty weak...because cops have one on them...or used to...well, these two do, so fuck it.

Rats

title not in courier 12

okay, the last act borders and almost turns completely to a thriller here. There was an undeniable serious tone even in the final pig farm image. Not sure about that yet.

The story, while having an overall working structure, felt constructed, well constructed, but constructed. Some dialogue was unnecessary and repetitive - some was good and laid-back. The presentation was very clean. Well, it just had heavy tone issues. All in all, it was a solid effort with positive and negative aspects for me.

Not gonna ding you for it, but, one of the problems with choosing 2 cops as your comedy leads, is that cops bang on each other in every genre. So, it doesn't stand out as comedy... just run of the mill cop banter. Which means, the comedy needs to come from somewhere else.

And, certainly, there were moments... like I said, not gonna ding ya.

This was pretty straight line. Cops chase bad guy in sewer. Cops find bad guy. Cops take down bad guy. No real ground broken.

Still, decently done. Good job overall. I just would have liked to see a different twist on the story.

I wondered who Mike was.
Then I realised: shoulder mic.

I liked this. Easy to read, banter was believable, a couple of sight gags that might translate to the screen well comedically. Would largely depend on the charm and versatility of the actors.

Not convinced the post-script/final scene adds anything, in fact it may detract.

Maybe you should call it: You Dirty Rat...
Or maybe not.

Overall, written very nicely and I enjoyed it.

The last scene was unnecessary.

Groom is an unusual name.

The comedy was quite light here for me.  The rats play a minor role and aren't central.  The ending could be changed to have a rat fall from above and land on Groom, who inadvertently knocks Fratelli into the shitter.

This flowed well and the setup was good, though why they needed whistles was a little hokey.

Dialogue established a rapport between the leads and there were some decent lines in here.

But Ithink it petered out a little towards the end and got a bit actiony (I know, not a real word)

Decent effort though.

I thought the writing here was the best quality of the scripts. This is a veteran writer.

I don't understand that ending was tacked on with the character who we never even heard from.  He didn't have any dialog, we know nothing about him, why is that added in?

The story doesn't do anything for me, but it's unlikely any of these will. It's two cops chasing a crook in shit. It's basically a very competent writer just getting through this round. I'll score it well based on the competence.

Hmm, so there are down there, looking for Dank. Then they are trying to catch Dank. Rats get in the way all the time.
Then there's someone at the end, I think you don't need him by the way.
I'll be honest I don't get the story here. And it's washed down in a lot of dialog that's not pertinent to the story. Lot's of rats, too, which is about nothing important.
I wish it was more to the point overall.
The characters are well-drawn though.

Clicks all the boxes as far as comedy, use of the whistle and the sewer.  Not a bad overall effort here, some of the one-liners work and there's a couple of good visuals, like picking up the rat out of the water instead of the gun.

It's a pretty generic story, doesn't break any new ground in terms of the story, but I don't expect a lot of the writers in these rounds to come up with something overly unique (although a couple have managed to pull that off).  The interaction at the beginning between Groom and Fratelli was decent and would have liked to have seen that continued throughout, but it might have worn thin if continued.   You kept it to less than five pages, which was welcome.

I think I get the final scene -- the cops are so pissed off at making them comb through the crap in the sewers that when they get him back to prison, they make him spend time cleaning up pig crap at a prison farm.  It's okay as a finish, but you could have done better (or just dropped the scene entirely).

Writing is decent, so overall a good effort for the time allotted.

Liked the story, the characters were good, and the action was fine. A solid effort that comes up a little short in the comedy department. Perhaps if they’d come up against something besides rats: snakes, alligators, paparazzi…

Some really impressive writing on display. Very visual.

Good character work too, though the dialog was hit or miss for me. Nothing outright terrible though.

Didn't find it very funny, except the part where Danks gets the rat shoved into his shirt. Reminded me of a time were my brother tried to give my cat a bath. She got inside his shirt and literally ran circles around him. Funny shit.

Unfortunately, the ending is a big letdown. It's like a joke with no real punchline.

Still, some great writing in here.

Hi Writer,

I enjoyed this one. The story flowed well and the writing was pretty good.

The comedy is a little light, but I liked Groom's character, he's funny and really well-drawn.

Storywise, the script is okay. No big flaws, no great strengths.

I think that the ending was a bit flat, thought.

Overall, another decent effort from a skilled writer.

Well done,
David

Script was easy on the brain. Flowed really well. The banter was good.
Action was smooth.  I like when the one cop shoved the rat down the bad guy’s shirt.
It’s a serious situation because you are apprehending an escaped convict , and do what you gotta do to survive. You gotta use anything you get your hands on.  Him doing that made the serious situation funny to me.

You obviously are a seasoned writer.  The only thing I can tell you is job well done.

I liked the story and the pacing and then... it kinda lost me. The ending seemed anticlimactic for me as I was hoping for something big to happen, not just a big-ish rat.

Great dialog, good characters, good style points and hit the criteria. Sorry to say that I didn't find it too funny.

Good work, writer.