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Not It - WT2 (currently 1165 views) |
Don |
Posted: June 10th, 2019, 10:16pm |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16426 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
Not It by The Good Poop - A trio of bank robbers lost in the sewer system run into a horror cliche against which their guns are useless. - Short, Comedy |
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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
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Scar Tissue Films |
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 3:03am |
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Posts3382 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
I'll fall back on "Well done for completing a script" on this one. |
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Warren |
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 5:20am |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Hi Writer,
Quoted Text has long dreamed of being a famous thief... |
Impossible to know, and impossible to convey on screen. Yep, I walk right into that, I wont delete it though Hmm... That was... I don't know what that was. Sure there are some funny lines, but they are solely for the entertainment of the writers on SS. The intent of a script should always be to make a film, this is more to grab some points for in-house jokes. There isn't anything resembling an actual story, some crooks wondering around who find a weird clown, they blow a whistle, the end. Sorry but I didn't care for it. All the best. |
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DustinBowcot |
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 5:40am |
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The opening passage is so passive I almost want to stop reading. The first joke annoys me because it doesn't have much to do with the story. I've seen nods to us writers in many films, so that's not an issue. So, why don't I like it? I literally am asking myself that question. I suppose, I'd have to put my finger on the execution. The whole NARRATOR thing... even giving them a line. It feels forced. Cheap.
Hm... this was better when the Narrator was gone. They're back and now feeding exposition. We're only just getting to the story and it's page 4.
I'd say top marks for genre. However, everything else has suffered as a consequence, so it seems. This witer may have been better off writing a horror and just losing marks on genre. |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 11:33am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.88 |
Hello writer
I'm in pisserville again... I thought I went past this stop already.
OK - Another 'characters know they are in a script' angle - Let's see if you do it better than the attempt in the other entry.
Another than that didn't get off the ground... I was wishing so so hard that this would just spread it's wings and fly, but alas, it tumbled across the floor.
I quite liked the narrator interacting with them - but it didn't go anywhere and didn't mean anything. nothing meant anything.
I forgot the whistle, was theere one?...*checks through script*... oh yea, he makes the clown jump with it... pretty weak.
I feel like this is one of those survival scripts |
| Feature
42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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PKCardinal |
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 1:55pm |
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January Project Group
LocationKansas Posts1448 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
So close. I laughed a few times, and that's good. Laughs are rare.
But, the clown thing just flat didn't work for me. I think if you'd have stayed with the main story and told it in the quirky style you established, maybe it would have felt more satisfying.
Pretty good overall. Wish you would have made a few different creative choices. |
| PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror |
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Dreamscale |
Posted: June 11th, 2019, 2:30pm |
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Well, once again, I smell some urine, but this isn't the sweet smelling kind I like, it's much more irritating and "self aware", not nearly as clever as it thinks it is.
Talking heads now and not funny...to me, at least.
Oh boy, what a waste. If anyone finds this amusing, I'm going to wonder from now on what drugs you're on and hunt you down to get some for myself.
Story - None
Characters - weak
Dialogue - Not good
Prose - Actually, no big problems here.
Criteria - I guess, but I hate giving out 5 points for anything in an effort like this. |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Dreamscale - June 13th, 2019, 10:35am | | |
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LC |
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 3:00am |
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Administrator
LocationThe Great Southern Land Posts7625 Posts Per Day 1.34 |
Not It. I didn't get what you promised in the logline, no real urgency of dire straits. None of the characters seemed concerned about their plight at all. Great btw that you made one of the thieves a female - that was different. The Narrator? Needs more to work. I liked the selfie in the final frame. I like the setup, it just didn't quite deliver this time around. |
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leitskev |
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 4:19pm |
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Posts3113 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
Toying with the writers/readers here, that will guarantee scores in the sewer!
The narrator who interacts. Outside the box take on crashing the fourth wall. Read an article just last night where that happens in the new Bill Murray movie where his character addresses the writer/director. Didn't fully come off here, but at times it did, worth exploring.
The characters feel recognizable from movies, can't quite place my finger. Could be a no no.
I recognize the clown's mental disorder! Jumping Frenchman from Maine! People that startled uncontrollably from a sudden noise. There's another one where people suddenly get a British accent. Should have used that!
At least there was no poop.
Another forgettable story, sorry to say. Cheer up, the world needs ditch diggers too! |
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stevie |
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 4:48pm |
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Of The Ancients
LocationDown Under Posts3441 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
Another IT parody! This one was ok just needed to reference the novel more. I like the narrator idea but it should’ve been used all the way through. Good effort |
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PrussianMosby |
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 7:59pm |
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Posts1399 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
Not It
Wrong page numbers
No way,,, this is another one that went my favorite route. Oh, and more than that it's the fancy narrator interacting approach … omg, the infamous interacting narrator approach…
I'm really curious now if there'll also be a script that takes the last step and constantly talks to the reader through the action blocks. I know those as well, pretty well.
I don't want to believe it, rather forget it, and just give my 'was here' stamp. |
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JEStaats |
Posted: June 12th, 2019, 10:49pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1735 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Oh, brave writer. The chances you took alone should win you points. At first, I hated the narrator but then it grew on me until I didn't mind it much. Good attempts at character development and giving them some substance.
Surprised how hammered this one is getting for reviews compared to other entries. |
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Gary in Houston |
Posted: June 13th, 2019, 10:28am |
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January Project Group
LocationTexas Posts1306 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
Sorry, but I’m just not down with this one. Failed to hold my interest and the storyline really wasn’t there. I get it, it’s a pisser, but it’s just misses the mark for me. |
| Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: June 13th, 2019, 5:37pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
I didn't think I was gonna like this one at the start, but once it settled into its own rythm then I went along with it.
There is a good attempt at comedy here, though possibly at the expense of the story.
Some good lines and asides and ultimately this worked for me.
Decent effort. |
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Spqr |
Posted: June 13th, 2019, 8:29pm |
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Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
The narrator makes the script work for me. The clown was a nice touch. The other characters are just there for the Narrator to comment on--and they accept the Narrator’s “presence” way too easily. They’re criminals, so they don’t want anyone knowing what they just did--even a voice from a person they can’t see. Maybe they start concocting plans to eliminate this unseen guy. |
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khamanna |
Posted: June 13th, 2019, 10:16pm |
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January Project Group
Posts4195 Posts Per Day 0.79 |
I wish there was no Narrator. But seems like it's all about the Narrator. I don't know if you called James' story titled Narrator if I'm not mistaken. That one is great. Anyway, marks for taking on something different and this hard. But the story didn't excite me. Nor did the characters for some reason. |
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Philostrate |
Posted: June 14th, 2019, 4:59pm |
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Posts341 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
Hi Writer,
I liked that you had fun writing this.
The beginning was pretty good, it pulled me right in, well done, but then things got messy - in part for the parameters of the challenge, I know - and you lost me.
Using a narrator was clever and there were some funny lines, but, storywise, it wasn't much story, just three thieves on the run that find a crazy clown in a sewer and blown a whistle, the end.
Another IT parody that breaks the fourth wall.
I think that it would have worked better if it had been a straight horror.
Good job anyway, David |
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jayrex |
Posted: June 16th, 2019, 10:40am |
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Old Timer Cut to three weeks earlier
LocationLondon, UK Posts1420 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
It's okay. It does have some creative promising touches. The ending wasn't the best. For me this meets the criteria. |
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Kevin_L |
Posted: June 16th, 2019, 2:29pm |
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New
Posts143 Posts Per Day 0.02 |
The story was okay. I didn’t care for the Narrator much. I think I understand what you was going for. . Some good lines of dialogue in places. The clown was good. I get a gun won’t have the same effect on someone that doesn’t care or wants to die.
You told me a story and I got it for the most part.
Keep writing and all the best!
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leitskev |
Posted: June 19th, 2019, 6:38pm |
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Posts3113 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
I knew this would not score well, and that it would piss off some readers. But I found the idea of breaking the fourth wall irresistible. I think as writers we need to be willing to experiment and think outside the box.
Strangely, a couple of days after submitting this I read an article about the new Bill Murray zombie movie. Apparently they do something very similar near the end of the film where Bill's character speaks to the unseen writer/director, and the lines between Bill Murray and his character become blurred. I have not seen the movie, can't say if it worked, but we should be willing take chances as creators.
And though I didn't score well, I don't regret this decision. Maybe in the hands of a better writer it would work out better. But I am still amused by the comedic potential of using a narrator this way.
I also poked fun of myself in this, with one of the characters attacking the writer as a know-it-all who usually knows nothing. And I like the idea that the characters are annoyed by the narrator, but they come to entertain the idea that he might be in a position to help them get out.
There is a strange mental disorder called Jumping Frenchman from Maine. Victims of this jump whenever they are startled. They can't stop it. This was the disorder I gave the clown, and I initially had that in the dialog, but then removed it.
It's a forgettable story, but I am still intrigued by using this method to break the fourth wall. |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: June 20th, 2019, 2:58am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.88 |
The period drama 'Gentlemen Jack' on the BBC breaks down the 4th wall very well - Glances to the audience, monologues to the camera - not often but I think it works very well |
| Feature
42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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leitskev |
Posted: June 20th, 2019, 6:39am |
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Posts3113 Posts Per Day 0.63 |
Yeah, House of Cards does it. It's been done. What intrigued me in mine was the idea that the narrator is heard by the characters, and then occasionally interacting with them. Like I said, needs a better writer, but I don't think even Aaron Sorkin would have scored well in a competition like this if he tried that because people are reading quick and they've just not prepared for something too outside the box. |
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