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Gym Coaches Blow by S.R.Z.K. - Four estranged adult males search the sewer for the dead body of their elementary gym teacher, who they killed. - Short, Comedy
I think you and I have a very different interpretation of comedy. Nice try, just not my thing - I'm just not your audience. Your final image with the whistle - so silly.
I liked your logline btw, read more drama than comedy, but then things took a wild turn.
I always thought Eunice was a woman's name?? On that note I think you should have included a female character into the mix. Actually, no... I take that back.
Well, that was...different. It's more tongue in cheek and winking at the reader than anything, so it's hard to take it seriously as an entry.
I didn't like the setup, it's too far out in left field (sports reference!). There is just enough story to hold it together, but that's not what this is about. It's an excuse for the over-the-top action, and you slam-dunked that (another sports reference!). I really enjoyed your superpowered sewer babies. They almost make up for the air ball you threw for the characters (sports!).
This isn't great or even good. It has one great sequence that made me glad I read it though, so it makes the highlight reel (sports are fun!).
I was actually liking this until the flashback (which, btw, never officially ended - very confusing). The coach's large block of dialogue was obviously ridiculous. Which, stylistically, was consistent with the remainder of the script. (That sounds like an insult... it wasn't.)
I just preferred the story I thought I was in, to the one I learned I was in.
I'll go back and give this another read, adjusting for the new thought, before I score it. I was so thrown by my expectations that I don't think I read this fairly.
I do wonder... wouldn't they expect the coach to just be bones when they find him? Yet they pull out his liver. Decades later. And nobody thinks anything of it.
PaulKWrites.com
60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature
Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
Descriptions are very poor and take way too long. We don't even get ages or anything physical. Dialogue is bad right out of the gate.
Wow, now we go to a Flashback? Is this a pisser? The dialogue sure sounds like it.
He pulls out his kidney? Ha...quite funny!
"Peter, Charles, Ian, and Eunice all hear the voice of their old teacher." - WTF? Is it his ghost or just his voice?
HA! The ghost children! Yes! OMG, this is getting wild. I'm hoping tis is taking a big old leak, but I'm actually not sure.
Oh man, you're killing me! Hilarious!
"After being shot at with pucks about fifteen times in slow-motion, Eunice drops dead, causing a big splash." - Classic! Fucking classic. It is a pisser! It has to be, as no one would seriously put this hilarity in SloMo. Thank you. I love you!!!
"Eunice. You can't die. Anybody but Eunice! Why, God?! Why him?!" - Excellent dialogue. If I didn't know better, I'd almost think I wrote these lines. Very funny shit, here. Kudos!!
"Ian dies, and his and Eunice's bodies fall and float there in the sewage." - HA!!! Excellent wording here...impeccable! I fucking love it!!
"From inside the tunnel, out of the darkness, one of CoachDobbs's sons rears his big, ugly rear-end right besidePeter's head. Between his cheeks, rests a red whistle.The sewer son farts. The whistle blows softly." - Beautifully worded and structured here.
If I'm being honest, though, this ends before it should end and looks like you ran out of space. It's still great and maybe even an instant classic.
Story - Very strong and unique.
Characters - pretty good, but not your strong suit.
Dialogue - Let me be very simple and clear here - 5.0 all the way, baby!!
Prose - Well, it's a pisser, so I have to give you the score of 1 this deserves, but as pissers go, it's a 4.
For some reason most peeps here don't understand that a big old hairy pisser can be a super funny script and if the genre is comedy, how cna this not work?
I guess I just don't have the finely honed sense of humor that most others have around here because I didn't find anything funny at all about this. I can usually find some good stuff in a pisser, but this one was just like a middle finger to the reader.
Okay, you want a review for a pisser, let's do this.
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The rag-tag team of adults consists of: PETER, the leader.
How do we know that? Because he speaks first? Because he's first in the line? Need to show us why he's the leader and not just tell us.
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CHARLES, the brainiac. CHARLES Well. According to the map. I think we're lost.
For a brainiac, he's incapable of speaking in complete sentences.
Sorry, I'm already bored. I can't keep doing this. Let's just hit the highlights. Wait. There aren't any.
They're there thirty-five years later and his dead body is still around? Mummified by the sewage system, huh? That makes perfect sense.
I read it all, and really want that wasted ten minutes of my life back.
Some of my scripts:
Bounty (TV Pilot) -- Top 1% of discoverable screenplays on Coverfly I'll Be Seeing You (short) - OWC winner The Gambler (short) - OWC winner Skip (short) - filmed Country Road 12 (short) - filmed The Family Man (short) - filmed The Journeyers (feature) - optioned
COACH DOBBS (CONT’D) It's a dead end. What's the meaning of this?! You scrawny weaklings told me the ghosts of three sports legends presented themselves to you while you were playing pretend plumbers! That the only reason their souls haven't lifted up to Heaven is because they first needed to sign their autographs for me. Did you kids lie to me?!
Was too much of a stretch for me in terms of a premise of how they got him down there.
COACH DOBBS (CONT’D) It's a dead end. What's the meaning of this?! You scrawny weaklings told me the ghosts of three sports legends presented themselves to you while you were playing pretend plumbers! That the only reason their souls haven't lifted up to Heaven is because they first needed to sign their autographs for me. Did you kids lie to me?!
Massive data dump.
It's quite ridiculous, I know it’s meant to be, but I can’t say it’s really for me.
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INT. SEWER SYSTEM - NIGHT
It would be good to have some sort of prompt that the flashback has ended.
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Ian approaches the dead body, opens its mouth, then sticks his hand into the opening and reaches around. When he can't feel anything he shoves almost his whole arm inside.
Horrific.
I'm completely floored at how many scripts involve a whistle in the ass. Where do your minds go?!
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COACH DOBBS Finally, I shall have my revenge!
If he isn’t actually talking it should be a voice over.
Page 4 and this is all over the place.
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After being shot at with pucks about fifteen times in slowmotion
The viewer is going to lose interest pretty quickly.
It made me laugh because of how bad (intentionally) it is. I've been watching some crazy comedies recently, including the Australian-made Lunatics and the second series of Happy. I bet Lunatics as written would be slaughtered by the writers here as not being funny. Yet the show is very funny. Sorry, I can't remember the main guy's name. I even had to ask my gf to remind me of the name of the show.
It doesn't make a lick of sense, but it sure is funny. Solid writing all around. No issues visualizing this one. And I love how you used the whistle. God, I'm immature.
Not my favorite, but still very good. Funny stuff!