Dating in the Future World by Anonymous5 - In a racially and gender divided future London, where contact between men and women is strictly regulated, one man risks it all for a chance at love. - Short, Comedy

I like the way you set up the world in just one visual right at the start.

There was a slight clarity issue in what he was trying to achieve, at least for me...was it just the date that was the thing, or was he trying to get into the other side of the city?

Leaving that aside, there was quite a relevant kind of humour about modern dating  and political correctness. It was like a very soft, alt-right comedy.

One line, which I won't spoil, did give me my one and only laugh of this round.  

I enjoyed this one. Could do with some work, but there's enough to see the potential.

Strong set up. You created a compelling, but utterly absurd, world. The absurdity builds higher and higher, and it works.

You didn't need to inform us about the reality of sewers. We're on board, nobody's going to say it's impossible, sewers aren't really like that. Keep us in it, don't distract us with unnecessary caveats.

It gets uncomfortable towards the end, like I shouldn't like this because it's such a blatant overreaction to the #metoo movement, but like I said, it works.

High marks all around. Well done.

Dating In the Future

Nice title and logline

On the very first sight, the margins look a little off to me.

"Our heroes" – ah, that concept hurts the script. When I'm actually there with the characters, in your story, it completely pulls me back to the reality of me just reading a script. So, stay away from it.

top of p2 the self irony doesn't fit to the rather atmospheric first page

p3 I truly bought into the concept of that meeting spot, but it felt not developed well here yet, which of course is due to the short timeframe we had. No problem.

Second half of p4 till the end – there you get the grasp back in case of storyline and find the payoffs very well.

The middle part didn't work yet, felt too slow and complicated for such a ironic story.

Some funny lines were dropped. The police squat felt also pretty fresh and original. Not sure how the script would be received though. In a sense, you take a huge swing at the sjw gender zeitgeist but then it just felt that you mirror it from the anti-perspective, which makes it look defensive and wanted to some degree.

However, I'm still on board.

Right away i can tell your left and right margins are off.  Check your writing software and make the fix.

"Although he has only one eye, the sheer size of the remaining one more than makes up for the loss." - Extremely awkwardly phrased.

I have no idea who or what Wee Rabbie Burns is.

"Our heroes" - Huh?  Why are they "our" heroes?  This is a big mistake as you're going to lose readers here and possibly never get them back.

"In real life sewers are three inches wide. In Movies they are underground cities. This is a Movie. " - And here you go again.  You just can't help yourself, right?  ARGH!!!

"They lead Cameron through the door." - Who is they?  See where you fucked up?  By using "Our heroes" earlier.  I know Squint is here, because he spoke, and now I know Big Red is here too, because he just spoke, but I had absolutely no clue until they spoke.

No use ever for ";" in a script.  Just stay away from these guys.

"...with no more than a hint of the Femi-Nazi about her hairstyle." - HUH?  No clue what this is supposed to mean.

"Sikh" - Huh?  I'm pretty clueless as to what's going on here and I'm thinking this must be either way over my head or stuff from Europe I'm unfamiliar with.

Oh boy, not at all for me, sorry.

Jeff, Robbie Burns is a well renowned Scottish poet. Ever heard of Auld Lang Syne?

...
Anyway, I liked this as it had humour, parody, nice descriptions to instantly evoke where we are, what this new world is etc. I love the idea of an extreme backlash and world gone a bit mad in an attempt to prevent sexism, racism, xenophobia, the #metoo movement - political correctness gone mad.

Bit of a disconnect between his first mission and where we ended up. I suppose it's a test to see if you are eligible to pass through the gates.

I didn't like the final twist, it wasn't necessary and detracted from the previous good work but I shan't penalise because I liked all the rest.
As for the setting of sewer, we could be anywhere really and the whistle was just a by the by for me.

Entertaining work here.

Quoted from LC Jeff, Robbie Burns is a well renowned Scottish poet. Ever heard of Auld Lang Syne?

Yes, I've sang that very poorly more than a few times in my life.  

I'll set aside the victimhood of the message of the script. Poor, poor men. It's like, you can't even assault people anymore without getting called savages.

No, seriously, I'll set it aside.

Okay... back to the task at hand.

This was well done. You took a modern issue and ran it to its extreme. So, as far as social commentary goes, good job on the style. The message is ridiculous, and you even mix in just a tad bit of racism to boot... but, wait... I was going to set that aside...

Back to the task at hand...

Ah... forget it. Can't do it.

Mostly high scores from me for the writing and the well done social commentary. I don't have to agree with it to think it's well done.

A great piece of victimhood fiction.

Hi writer,

Quoted Text the very definition of 'White Bread'

"white bread
noun
1.
bread that is light in colour, made with flour that has been through a refining process."

I don’t quite get it...

Quoted Text Although he has only one eye, the sheer size of the remaining one more than makes up for the loss.

How big can someone’s eye really be? It's an eye.

Quoted Text In real life sewers are three inches wide. In Movies they are underground cities. This is a Movie.

I don’t like this, and it's just not true either, sewers come in all sorts of sizes. Also it is a movie, they are any size you want them to be. I guess the same could be said for the eye, I guess.

Quoted Text no more than a hint of the Femi-Nazi about her hairstyle

Sorry, I don’t get this at all.

Quoted Text CAMERON Hello, my name is Cameron it is a pleasure to meet you. VALERIE Likewise. I am Valerie. SQUINT You reckon he'll make it? BIG RED Nae Chance.

I think this could have done with a mini slug - AT THE BAR - or something when Squat and Big Red talk.

Quoted Text INT. SEWER LOVE SHACK - LATER

LATER would do if nothing else has changed.

Quoted Text The Sikh Officer

Sixth?

Quoted Text LESBIAN POLICE OFFICER

How do we know one is Jewish, Muslim, and lesbian?

Quoted Text Her huge BULGING panties. BIG RED ...She's a bloody Tranny anyway.

Hmm... Okay.

So this isnt something I would ever read if it wasnt part of a challange. It has all the parts it needs to meet the criteria. Can’t say I enjoyed any of it.

All the best.

Pretty big concept that was handled well but minimal, if any, comedy, and the one token use of the whistle added nothing to the story ( like a lot in this round- at least the anal whistles were integral to the story lol!

Quoted from Warren If you read through some old threads it has been pointed out quite a few times that I'm not very smart Also not very religious, maybe that has something to do with it?

Fair enough. They're the fellas with the turbans. Usually of Indian descent. They're not allowed to cut their hair as that's the way God made them. Which makes a kind of sense.

I can explain the other things you missed as well, if you like? You asked me to on another thread (I know you were being facetious... But still, I can, if you like! ).

Brilliant stuff!

Good intriguing start with the "toxic males". First story to at least start out grabbing my interest. That should be worth points.

Not sure why the size of the eye matters, but good writing so far.

You should go to youtube and search for old sewer exploration. Not all 3 inch lines.

Hmm. Without a doubt the story lost my interest. But I plowed on. There's at least an attempt at some kind of satire here about the metoo stuff going too far in the future. Satire seems worth some...what was it? Oh yeah, points!

I understand what you were trying to do with various ethnic ladies...but Jewish lade, Chinese lade, Muslim lady. That seemed awkward.

And the dialog didn't quite do it for me, though I respect the attempt.

Hi writer

[REDACTED] - Apologies

Quoted Text In real life sewers are three inches wide. In Movies they are underground cities. This is a Movie.

What was that about? lol - it's also not true. The sewers under London are vast Victorian tunnels... they would look quite nice if they weren't covered in shit. They found a fatberg there not long ago the size of a whale... can't get whales in 3-inch sewers.

I'm not a fan of the writing, to be honest... personal preference maybe but it seems full of unnecessary and none visual things that make it seem like a forced attempt at injecting voice.

ooook - That didn't go in a way I was expecting lol

You build the world up really well in a short amount of space - But this world has some rules that i don't fully understand... that is most likely on me not getting it. The message is lost on me.

I don't really have anything useful to add.

Well done on meeting the parameters and in a way, this one stands out for its sheer crazy world.