Quoted from Zack You're welcome, Bro!

This stuff makes me laugh.

Quoted from Pale Yellow This stuff makes me laugh.

You might just like my round 2 script.

Probably not, though.

This an absurd, over-the-top satire. It immediately makes me wonder what it says on the other side of that wall.

But even an absurd world needs some sort of order to it. If this is some kind of illicit matchmaking service, why are there police on call? The high price might be for bribes to get off-duty police to act as security, I suppose.

The alternative, that this is some kind of DMZ with defined rules of... shall we say... engagement... then why would such an expensive service take place in a sewer?

I'm assuming the labels for the police officers are intended to poke fun at identity politics, the writer seems talented enough to come up with non-offensive descriptions... but the last twist comes off as transphobic. It's not making fun of people who insist upon the acceptance or rejection of trans folks, just dehumanizing the trans.

Anything walking a tightrope for that long is bound to wobble somewhere. This wobble is fixable, especially since it has no impact upon the story.

Quoted from FrankM This an absurd, over-the-top satire. It immediately makes me wonder what it says on the other side of that wall. But even an absurd world needs some sort of order to it. If this is some kind of illicit matchmaking service, why are there police on call? The high price might be for bribes to get off-duty police to act as security, I suppose. The alternative, that this is some kind of DMZ with defined rules of... shall we say... engagement... then why would such an expensive service take place in a sewer? I'm assuming the labels for the police officers are intended to poke fun at identity politics, the writer seems talented enough to come up with non-offensive descriptions... but the last twist comes off as transphobic. It's not making fun of people who insist upon the acceptance or rejection of trans folks, just dehumanizing the trans. Anything walking a tightrope for that long is bound to wobble somewhere. This wobble is fixable, especially since it has no impact upon the story.

I think the point was to even it out politically.

You saw all the over the top SJW types from the other side, but the end reveals that these are, in fact, Toxic Males. Essentially everyone is insane, in this world, (and the real one).

That's what I took from it, anyway. I read it again after Pia's gushing praise, and there's a lot I missed the first time round...from the Trump style border wall, to the racism against the black guy that still exists  even in this world (he immediately gets accused of rape, whereas the others are accused of lesser charges).

I don't need to read it again, as I struggled the 1st time.

Different strokes, different folks.  Over this old man's head, so disregard my feedback, as I don't get it and don't want to.

This isn't anything to do with your age... it's down to your education.

What I liked best is that it was totally unexpected. I had no idea where this was going and I enjoyed the ride. Good story, writer.

The dialog was clunky in a couple places but I believe that was due to the cue cards?

My only issue is the overwhelming law enforcement for protection if this is an illegal activity to begin with. Or am I wrong here? Why would they call police if this is all secret? I shouldn't even question...it's a comedy farce.

Overall, nicely done.

This was excellent.  Could be my new favourite.

The ending was also great.  Would love to see this one made.

"I read it again after Pia's gushing praise, and there's a lot I missed the first time round...from the Trump style border wall, to the racism against the black guy that still exists  even in this world (he immediately gets accused of rape, whereas the others are accused of lesser charges)."

True to yourself

Quoted from DustinBowcot This isn't anything to do with your age... it's down to your education.

Oh, Dustin, I don't think so.  I'm a college graduate and a VP, and a 25% owner in my company.  I thought you were a High School Drop Out?

My guess is that this is so far from what we live in America, it's completely lost.

Glad you loved it.  Maybe you and Rick can film this and see what it looks like on film.

Word of warning...don't spend any money, as you're not going to be happy with what you see.  But, that's just me, and I'm nowhere near the caliber of any of these writers here in this tournament.

Quoted from PrussianMosby "I read it again after Pia's gushing praise, and there's a lot I missed the first time round...from the Trump style border wall, to the racism against the black guy that still exists  even in this world (he immediately gets accused of rape, whereas the others are accused of lesser charges)." True to yourself

It's more than that. It's Me Too. Toxic Masculinity. All men are bad and the cause of all evil. All the demographic groups. Race. Religion. Sexuality and so on and so on. Signing a consent form before sex, so no Female (mostly) will be taken advantage of or forced to have sex. This is real people! I read news from all over the world and this is real! Americans need to look outside their own border sometimes to see what's going on in the rest of the world. IMO, this script covered all the bases and made equally fun of everyone. It was clever and current and funny!

My take.

Quoted from Grandma Bear It's more than that. It's Me Too. Toxic Masculinity. All men are bad and the cause of all evil. All the demographic groups. Race. Religion. Sexuality and so on and so on. Signing a consent form before sex, so no Female (mostly) will be taken advantage of or forced to have sex. This is real people! I read news from all over the world and this is real! Americans need to look outside their own border sometimes to see what's going on in the rest of the world. IMO, this script covered all the bases and made equally fun of everyone. It was clever and current and funny! My take.

Never been outside the states, and I rarely watch the news. That said, none of this was lost on me. All you gotta do is watch some SJW YouTube clips to realize just how insane the world is becoming. Jeff, I'm gonna pm you some links to some pretty cringy SJW videos. Maybe then you'll understand this a bit better. Even if it doesn't help, you'll at least be entertained for a few minutes.

Exactly, Pia. And similar to what I said in my review.  
There's more to knowledge than just bookish learning and degrees too, imho. There's also common sense, emotional intelligence, and knowing what's going on in the world, not just your own backyard.

From my original comment: "There's at least an attempt at some kind of satire here about the metoo stuff going too far in the future."  

Easy enough to spot that's the aim of the story, a satire about a future in which metoo has gone too far. Intriguiing.

But I've read the story twice right now and I'm afraid I need someone smarter than me to explain what is actually going on in the scene. I just can't figure it.

I get that men and women are kept separate and it takes some underground criminal network to arrange a date.

But then I'm lost. The two thugs who arrange the date for money are both men. They sit there with running commentary, aparently part of the date. And they seem to be taking bets as to whether Cameron...THEIR client...will cross some line...and THEY are the referees. I simply can't make any sense of that.

Which part of the world are Squint and Big Red coming from? I would presume the men's. Yet they are guarding Valerie? No female guards? And the female cops are waiting outside the door for Cameron to screw up?

I realize we HAVE to suspend disbelief for any of these stories, and certainly for satire. For that sake, I can accept the 6 cops bursting in.

But what confuses me, and makes it a very hard read, is what is motivating Squint and Big Red. Why do they sit next to them commenting on the date? Each time I've read it I find myself at a loss for what is going on.

I'm sure Rick can explain it and set me straight. No doubt I have missed something crucial.

In the unlikely possibility that I have not, I can offer a suggestion how this might have played better. Since Squint and Red seem to be almost betting if Cam will last the night, why not just do that so that it's more clear? And why not make Squint or Red a woman? So you have Val paying from her side(Red), Cam from his(Squint), and Red and Squint sit at the bar...but outside of earshot of Val and Cam. That would require either separate slugs for the bar, I know, but it makes more sense. Or mix in some VO. As it is it's like one conversation with 4 characters, 2 on a date and 2 watching them.

F it, I'm going tp read it a fourth time right now. I miss things. I must be missing something and I don't want to be unfair.

Ok, a clue: "He might actually do it. Have yee got
the physical consent forms ready?"

So apparently if he lasts the length of the candles without causing the whistle to be blown he gets consent to have sex. But that's not really apparent before that unless you infer from the title.

It still needs to be puzzled out. When we see Cam paying Squint and Red, it's reasonable to infer they are doing something illegal, and doing it for Cam. So why would THEY be the ones with the whistle? For this to make sense there should be women counterparts that meet them, and THEY have the whistles to alert the police, who are waiting in the sewer for some reason for Cam to screw up.

Quoted from LC Exactly, Pia. And similar to what I said in my review.   There's more to knowledge than just bookish learning and degrees too, imho. There's also common sense, emotional intelligence, and knowing what's going on in the world, not just your own backyard.

Yes, and this script should be filmed and and I'm sure it would be so funny and popular.

Pure fucking genius. Rick, this is your best by far.  We all need to emulate this.  Fantastic!  Incredible!  Amazing!  But...you know what...too many characters with great, memorable dialogue, for me, just makes it seem like...well...like absolutely nothing.

Characters were fucking amazing!  I can literally picture each of those different Religion cops, as I know the visual would be just stunning.  Hell of an effort.

This one will stay with me until I get the opportunity to see it on film.

Stunning job, Brother!   You should be very proud.