Thank you for the reply, Rick, much appreciated.

I agree with Dustin there is potentially something here someone might want to shoot.

I also do think the humor comes through quite well. As did the apt satire.

The only thing that got in the way for me was confusion about what was going on in the story. Most of that was caused by my not really understanding what was driving Squint and Red. It may be that most others had no problem in understanding that. I can be dense, and particularly dense with scripts.

I certainly can relate to the frustration of putting together a story and having a reader not understand all of the relevant parts that hold the story together. My last round's entry was just a bit of goofing around, but this round was fairly tight I think. It does challenge the reader to think a bit  about what's happening, but horror should do that. But at least half the readers didn't reallly try to understand and it got hung up on little thinngs....things it turns out they had wrong.

Anyway, if I'm one of a few that didn't fully understand your scenario here, chalk it up to me being a little slow. If there are others, maybe consider making things more clear in the set up. Zack was talking about beta males, but that doesn't seem to be the case at all, so I think there might still be some confusion.

As far as the bar location, I understood that, but what I didn't understand was whether the table was right next to the bar. By no means am I the slug police. But without the separate location, it felt to me like Squint and Red were sitting so close that they were in the same conversation as Cam and Val. That was the point where I got most confused and my mind wandered. I have no idea how that should be structured. It seems to me maybe a mini slug, but I don't know.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films If I was going to make it I'd make it more bureaucratic. A long, comedic process where he has to apply for a date and undergo psychiatric evaluation, lie detector tests etc in a very official, and officious test centre...and then you'd find out it was just to meet a girl and we'd go into an expanded version of the date...which he'd inevitably fail.

That sounds like it'd be hilarious, Rick. You should totally write it.

It's not a problem, Kev. It's full of mistakes and I couldn't make it as clear as I wanted, so if you didn't understand it, it's really not your fault in this instance.


In the original cut Squint and Red were also the waiters and had silly clothes on. When I cut that part, I didn't correct the slugs.

The simplest way to clarify what’s there is to introduce the the main location, a mini-slug or full slug for the bar, then INTERCUT. It’s up to the director to decide when to show whom, and when to use “V.O.” to hear one pair talking as we see the other pair.

It's funny how perception is. On first read, I liked the dialog through the early pages. But then when I got confused about what was going on in the story, my ability to appreciate the good dialog that came was lost. I can appreciate it much more now.

Even after the re-reads, I still missed the big picture. I thought there was a part of the city where women lived and a part where men lived. That could be plausible in the future. So when a man and a woman become interested in sex, which is illegal, they have to go through these underground operations, which are tolerated by bought-off authorities as long as the rules are obeyed. Obviously I had it wrong. From the comments, I wasn't the only one who thought men and women were living in a separate world.

Your actual story is a better vision of that separation, more about immigration into the politically correct society. Not sure what Val gets out of it, presumably there is a male shortage on the other side.

I actually liked the description of Val. I see from the comments that bothered some, I liked it.

I don't think you've got it wrong, I just figured there would have to be some men over the other side to reproduce, so as long as they're very, very politically correct they're tolerated.

If I ever come back to it, I'll try to make everything clear.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films I don't think you've got it wrong, I just figured there would have to be some men over the other side to reproduce, so as long as they're very, very politically correct they're tolerated.

Isn't that kind of what a beta male is? A super politically correct guy? They're practically feminists.

Maybe I'm getting my terminology mixed up. Maybe the guys I'm talking about are called White Knights? I don't know. It's all bizarre to me.

Quoted from Zack Isn't that kind of what a beta male is? A super politically correct guy? They're practically feminists. Maybe I'm getting my terminology mixed up. Maybe the guys I'm talking about are called White Knights? I don't know. It's all bizarre to me.

That's one option to do: Val is coming over seeking a more raw male because she's sick of MSNBC types. But in the end she can't get past the revulsion she's been raised to experience with un-approved male contact.

The easiest way to have someone yearn for the “normal” before the “new normal” is to have someone old enough to remember the Bad Old Days, like Winston Smith in 1984.

Good advice, Frank.

Finally got around to this one.

Overall, it met the parameters for sure - but IMO suffers from it.  The sewer just seems like such an illogical, forced place for this story. No blame here as that is the location you were given - but if you are re-writing - I'd nuke it as a location. It just made no sense to me that this particular story would take place in a sewer.

The humor was too over the top for me. But that is just my personal taste. Some will find it dead on. I found it so exaggerated that it quickly lost it's oomph. But again, that is a taste thing.

Quoted Text In Movies they are underground cities. This is a Movie. "

This specific line didn't land with me - HOWEVER - kudos for the effort. I love the effective use of asides and a writer's attempt to try something new and interesting style wise. Too many writer's voices sound the same and I applaud you for the effort.

Thematically it strayed a bit - went from a METOO thing to Lesbian's trannies, Jewish and Indians. It shifts right here:

Quoted Text A door on the other side of the room BURSTS open. Six Racially, Sexually and Gender Diverse TACTICAL ASSAULT POLICE OFFICERS in Rainbow Coloured Uniforms swarm inside, their weapons pointing at Cameron.

So you kind of move to METOO to all things PC - that - IMO - it too chaotic thematically for a five-pager. I would have just stuck with the dating aspect.  Again - others liked that you did that, so it may just be me.

Hated the ending. Not sure I can articulate why - it was just a dud - cringe worthy - for me.

The wall - that was a real logic issue for me.

Quoted Text TOXIC MALES, KEEP OUT!

So - I get it if there is a wall between men and women (i.e., all contact is chaperoned and monitored). But once it is narrowed down to "toxic males" - while does the woman even need to go into the sewer?? Presumably - non-toxic males are on her side of the wall and she can simply date them.

Okay - that's it. It did not meet my personal tastes but certainly met many others and was a solid effort for three days work.  

Somehow I think it would work better as a feature where you have a lot more time to be subtle and nuanced and develop the bureaucracy of romance in the future world.

Haha. Good review, Dave.

This is the silliest thing I've ever written. It's funny to see it dealt with so seriously.


The only thing I'd disagree with is the last part about the "Toxic Males". That's their opinion, of course, not necessarily the truth. And of course, women are often attracted to genuinely Toxic Males. Isis terrorists have little trouble getting women to cross the world to marry them, drug dealers are always surrounded by beautiful women, as are rebellious musicians, philandering sports stars, groping film producers, misogynistic business men etc.  

When I go into Hvar Town later to Carpe Diem, it won't be the Russian Mafia lads struggling to get a woman, believe me, it'll be the guys too respectful of women to dare go to talk to them!

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films Haha. Good review, Dave. This is the silliest thing I've ever written. It's funny to see it dealt with so seriously. The only thing I'd disagree with is the last part about the "Toxic Males". That's their opinion, of course, not necessarily the truth. And of course, women are often attracted to genuinely Toxic Males. Isis terrorists have little trouble getting women to cross the world to marry them, drug dealers are always surrounded by beautiful women, as are rebellious musicians, philandering sports stars, groping film producers, misogynistic business men etc.   When I go into Hvar Town later to Carpe Diem, it won't be the Russian Mafia lads struggling to get a woman, believe me, it'll be the guys too respectful of women to dare go to talk to them!

Don't disagree with the above - But...in your story...

The male isn't particularly toxic -  i.e., seemed like a guy who would be on the non-toxic side of the wall. And the female (tran) seemed shocked/displeased by even the mildest male behavior (i.e., didn't seem like a person who'd be seeking a toxic male when the non-toxic ones are readily available on her side of the wall).

Anyway - nuff of that.  

True, but she doesn't know who or what she's going to meet.  

I was imagining that there were very few men over there, and those that were, were essentially slaves so this relatively normal woman was trying things out...maybe for money, maybe for the experience, maybe simply for love...but she's still from this world where the slightest contact without written consent is beyond terrifying.

In my head the main guy was raised in the men's world, perhaps by a single father...but he's desperate to get to the other side for a better life.

The sewer thing was throwing me all along, as you realised. I wanted to make it key, so had to find a reason he'd be going under something...so I came up with the idea of an impassable wall, with men on one side and women on the other. But then the only ending I could think of was the what I had here...which required men (although maybe not, actually...) so it got a bit confused.

In the unlikely event I develop it, it will be as you say, more subtle. Something like Idiocracy in tone, I suppose. Comedy is even harder to film than it is to write, so it's not on my immediate to do list.

Quoted from Scar Tissue Films True, but she doesn't know who or what she's going to meet.   I was imagining that there were very few men over there, and those that were, were essentially slaves so this relatively normal woman was trying things out...maybe for money, maybe for the experience, maybe simply for love...but she's still from this world where the slightest contact without written consent is beyond terrifying. In my head the main guy was raised in the men's world, perhaps by a single father...but he's desperate to get to the other side for a better life. The sewer thing was throwing me all along, as you realised. I wanted to make it key, so had to find a reason he'd be going under something...so I came up with the idea of an impassable wall, with men on one side and women on the other. But then the only ending I could think of was the what I had here...which required men (although maybe not, actually...) so it got a bit confused. In the unlikely event I develop it, it will be as you say, more subtle. Something like Idiocracy in tone, I suppose. Comedy is even harder to film than it is to write, so it's not on my immediate to do list.

Got it

Best of luck with it should you ever return to it.